July 2025
June 2025
The point of the PHASE Serious included 2 goals.
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1. TO create music compositions and play them live; that would be one requirement of the phase serious.
2. Girlfriend...
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Im now working on number 2; girlfriend. For this to occur; many changes must occur; one absolute; I must get over my First Love completely. By getting over her Im actually cleansing my whole nervous system of the past... This will take much work. Im knee deep in the middle of the work to get over my original first love; Im working on it everyday.
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At the end of the Fiery brick road (when young) and now; I met and turned my First Love Into God; into Jesus Christ; Into the universe; Into source energy; Into the Holy sPiritus that would save me; Into the vortex where the manifestational dreams are created and waiting for me to tap into and make real.
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THe small child in me connected to her as if she was (God) and she was my broken Mother; and that she loved me; and loved me as a mother. That is what I imagined; I imagined and at the deepest part of my soul; I turned her into my mother and into God and into my friend.. THe problem was; I did not check if this was a safe person; a decent nice person or a murderer; I mean; I was completely clicked out of the realm of reality; I was and must have been completely dissociated from reality. Looking back; I was completely blind of reality; THus a main characteristic of dissociative disorder. And this situation will turn into my nervous system and soul being raped with much damage; long term and permanent damage; to my soul; my mind my self belief... I will never trust anyone again to be in a relationship... occupation ability will be ruined and any future romantic situations ruined. I was rapped to much; I did not function ever again..
However; after joining the recovery process for several reasons; it came to light that maybe I can do something about this dogmatic view of my future and possibly come back to my feet and join the human race again. That is what I have hope in and Im working toward.
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For that reason; I now seek God first; to replace any impulses to bring anyone else into my spiritual realm; God first; not humans. . Only God will be brought into my spiritual realm; no one else… and from their; Ill establish a link between my heart and Gods heart; and Ill ask God for the same thing; Ill pray for it; and thus will be starting over.. I will be starting over with a working relationship with God for practical applications in the real world...
Ive built a strong philosophical intellectual spirit filled understanding with God on how to stay alive vs throwing my life away completely and dying... So LIFE/DEATH causes; Ive build a strong relationship with God. Now; I would like to build one for romance; marriage; best friend soulmate; future family; That kind of thing in the real world; That is what Im working on. And THe first task is getting rid of my First Love from my memories and nervous system. Having closer; finding those ways and places to create closer.
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When I feel established with God and a safe relationship at this heart to heart level… And all other demonic ghosts in my nervous system that get triggered are gone; Im free and clear of the fear… the intimidation of the past; it is my goal to stand up for myself; accept the past as it was; and start over; but this time; not alone; This time its a whole other venture. Sure; no one can guarantee the future or present. However; it can be handles so Im much safer waters then in the past; if things go wrong.
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When this relationship has been taken back over by God; God is in the for front; no humans; its just me and God; Im looking for friendship love and companionship; I go to God; I have God relationship first that I always go to. And from their; I start telling God what I want to manifest...
I pray out to God first; I write stories about how God and I are co creating the relationships Im looking for; but God is driving the bus; not me… God is in charge; Im allowed to go along… God checks first and brings what Im looking for; its filtered through God and then God brings safe people under God into safe places; and then I meet them….
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I am not in charge; I don’t get to be narcissistic either and make it one sided so I get to use other people.
I work with God and who ever God brings; no one else… Nothing else; only under God. And that is the lesson Im working toward… Gods pathways...
I have a whole lot of work to do to have the character to be involved in something like this… Trusting God…
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Im now learning to switch out past human personalities; move them over within my mind; where I was using them as God; move them out of the way; and put GOd in the place of GOd... and get used to praying to that real God for what I want...
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