July 2025
June 2025
My goals; 2 main goals; Girlfriend and Car...
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It all baffles me considering my background. Ive been trapped in myself for along time.
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To new events have occured...
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1. I just had an authentic conversation; maybe the first of its kind since young; of a nature of real conversation; kind of mixed with flirting with a single women...
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Ive changed enough where someone is comfortable saying Hi to me; using my name. I did fairly well. Deep inside Im flipped out from all the horror of the past; However, Ive worked through much of it; My goal was to start showing signs Im coming out of it into the real world; Not that I dont still have the problems; But that Ive worked a long hard recovery process and thus created benefits for myself; the ability to move forward with my life back into society is the goal; that would be the benefits.
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Communication;
Im starting at rock bottom..... I mean that; any conversation I have with a woman that I deem valuable; Ill come home; Ill pray on my knees about it; ill keep a history of how well Im doing socially on a daily basis...
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The goal with women is communication; However; this includes; I think; something that some men dont want to admit or here. When I finally talk to that women or the other; Maybe they still dont like me or find me interesting or have any interest in associating with me. Their opinion of me is negative or of no value; So; I pray first and open up and see what happens; And if she turns out to be one of those people who dont like me; Fair enough; I move on...
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The next goal socially; I hold my own; Im making progress; Shes not interested in me romantically; she doesnt have a THING for me; I do nothing for her. And yet; we still have a good conversation.
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YES! All of please; Ill take it all! Ill take the social learning; just to get back in the game.
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The realities; I was so sure from a distance she must have always liked me. Im finally present and can have a conversation; all of this work and...... She has no interest; My narcissistic side was wrong; Gulp! No problem; Ill take the conversation... Ill just practice under GOds care.
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Im not doing badly for a beginner; Just must remember; I may mean nothing in the eyes of those from a distance I thought all loved me! Now that Im opening up; or actually my demeanor is allowing them to open up around me; I appear more able to receive; more confident and friendly...
ITs a start. I was looking for a conversation that would last; and I make it happen.
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I was able to face off another women; meaning to her face talk to her; I didnt really get any responses.. But I was able to. Another women the other day came up to me and talk... and I went up to another women the day before that; talked and she drove me home a few times in her car and we really talked...
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So; Im starting to show up again for my own life; THe key is to keep working with the universe that I can be appropriate enough to make conversations work with women... just keep at it; let the universe supply the people for the conversations and most of all; learn not to have any expectations about anything or anyone... just be appreciative I get to talk again in a cohesive manner with women..
Its all great; its all practice.
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NOTE: I have to learn; Im in conversation practice for how long? I dont know; Non of the people I conversate owe me anything and I would have no clue how they actually feel about me... I certainly wouldn't know until I start talking to them and asking at some point if a long time transpires..
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So; The Universe is making things happen; real things in the real world if I want to step up to the plate and bat!
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CAR:
For the first time; I was daydreaming about my independence; I saw myself at a beach on a lake; I saw myself as this younger dude; Im not; but thats where Im starting; I have on beach close and Im at the beach bonfire... I have confidence; However; I have one other set of feelings; those feelings are of independence and in my day dream; half success based vision; IM DRIVING; And I can see it and feel it.
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The car goes with my independence..... So; when Im naturally at a state of feeling that earned independence; suddenly Im seeing myself with a car. And that's exactly what happened.
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So; This is the first sign of ever having a car at equal level to my interest; within my imagination.
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What is important about all this? The narrative suggests a new life; and with it a car... Ill pray about it. Keep working on seeing my new expanding. An expanded life wants a car... So; Im naturally flowing out over the restricted areas of this emotional dam... Im starting to mature in my natural thoughts for my future and with it is a car...
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THese new narratives are much closer to what I was thinking like when I was a kid; and that is good good goood!
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So;
New advancements have occurred.
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1. Better stronger more consistent confident conversations with single women... Women are coming up to me to open up; so I must appear more relaxed and confident...
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2. For the first time; I have included a car in natural settings within a newer narrative in my imagination... My narratives seem more mature... Somewhere around 16-25 years old... Not 13. In these new narratives; Im definitely 16 or above; Im driving and its an intrical part of my experience and identity within my visualizations...
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NOTE: Keep getting on my knees and praying for it; for God to keep delivering it... Ill keep writing new stories of what I want... Ill keep working with God on conversations with women; No expectations on outcomes. And lots of meditations.
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