July 2025
June 2025
I was downloading something.. and it interfered with my last blog writing and I lost that blog; now Im doing it over again...
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Im feeling more empowered and more directed because Im studying more about survivors of a serious romantic encounter with the narcissist... And Im starting to become and identify with someone; those who have survived romantic incursions with the narcissists... Ive made it out; or to the other side; so Im one of those... Its authentic... I made it through the jungle.
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NOTE: THis has nothing to do with all the other abuse incurred through my life; dealing with other narcissists and child molesters and psychopaths and sociopaths.. and pathological liars and pathological performers.
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Im on the other side of the narcissist; long ways away; clear on the other side of the earth... Im out of that jungle.. Ive made it to the otherside in one piece; im done with that now... For good; it is past tense..
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THe remainder of my life will be sessions of frustration as I am able attract people (women); but for a weekend or a small amount of time; No long term relationships; I was dissociated out of being a part of the right people for a long term relationship or anyone emotionally speaking; I was dead inside... Sure; I attracted people; but; soon; it was just frustration not to have any long term relationships; At some point about 6-7 years ago; I stopped... Until now! Now I have some answers....!
Relationship ideas; Emotional based Right relationships under GOd; after the narcissist.
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Its been decades since dealing with the narcissist I talk about in these blogs; but it was destroying my life; as many things were destroying my life for decades... With enough work; and study and a higher power and 12 step group support; covert support at times; I was able to enter the jungle of the past and process through to the other side of the jungle and thus leaving the jungle into the plains of a new life; never to return to that narcissists jungle ever again; and so; it has happened; Now what.
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NOW WHAT? (Post Narcissist experience...); Im grateful Im this fare; but Im only 50% of the way done.
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Examples of being only 50% done with something.
When drinking and having a problem with drink; WHen I sought help; To stop drinking and maintain it with support; this was only 50% of the problem; Now; through 12 step groups; I have to learn how to regain a manageable life. I realized while drinking; I had imagined everything. I never did live any kind of life. I just imagined I was living; and at that moment drank more and more... and more...
If I had a thought about the future; I drank more.... 50% of the problem was quitting drinking; THe other 50% is creating a new life in the recovery process.
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After I quite drinking I realized I had never grown from the time I started any substance abuse; so; that would be 12 years old. Im not suggesting I was the worlds worst alcoholic/addict in the world; Much more of an experimenter jr class developing drunk.. .it wouldn't last long before I was in the hospital for PTSD problems and then brought to my first 12 step groups... 50% of the problem stop drinking; The other 50% regaining a new life; a manageable life. Its a 50/50 deal... Drugs had stopped many moons before this... I had overdosed several times on bad drugs and hurt my brain; drug psychosis style problem. This really scared me. I was unable to associate anymore and derealization depersonalization. My brain weakened.. I ended up in the hospital... So; I got the message and drug used slowed down... and finally stopped. But then later ill pick up alcohol... another form for drug! Ill get to the point; I cant stop...
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Relationships in the new world;
After recovering from the unfortunate interactions with a narcissist... Im now free. But free to do what. I dont know how to have a relationship. I dont know how to attract someone emotionally healthy for a long term relationship. Ive been married to the past most of my life; that is coming to an end. Or; its already ended... So; Im just kind of floating around getting use to this!
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Im scared to death of being destroyed emotionally again... I shut down after high school and never came out of my shell ever again After being destroyed through my First Love the narcissist. . Yes; I dated numerous times in the future; but with no emotional content. And the people I dated were no better then strangers who should have stayed strangers.. I seem to have nothing in common with everyone! It was like I was from some other planet... or they were.
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THE POINT;
Here I am; Starting over again... And its like being 14 again... I have no idea what to do or think emotionally in the outside world... So; that's where the gap is... I do not have any Adult emptional experiences with relationships. Maybe I dated people as an adult; that did not give me anything other then confusion because I was never present... I had 2 many emotional and trauma based problems...Dissociated out of reality... I seem to attract more people with no personalities... very shallow... Unbelievable at that time period... I had no interest in life and certainly no interest in other women to marry; I was not interested in anything anymore or anyone. My First Love was my purpose in life; when I lost her; lost that aspect of my life; I had no more interests; I was done... .
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TO THE PRESENT: IM BACK; NOW WHAT! So; I can tell that dating someone; I might like, will trigger my memories of my first love; Im not looking forward to this. Part of me has a kind of fierce loyalty; it has my First Love pictured in front of that loyalty; in crude empty remembrance; but not tagged to it anymore. She is gone but the memory is still triggered and I think will be triggered when I date again in meaningful ways with meaningful people. Any kind of movement forward will trigger it.
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So; for future relationships; My mind is still locked in the past; but not locked. Its just used to being forced to live in the past. In a cool way; Im free; I actually dont have to go back to the past; Hurrey! The strange thing is; I dont know how to do anything else; but Im not locked up completely like before.
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So; this is going to hurt; moving forward... Its strange and uncomfortable. So; Im just starting to talk about it...
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Car;
And Ill be moving forward concerning some kind of aspect with Car; but not yet; Im not at the core of the problems yet that are keeping the concept of "CAR"; deluded. I am deluded; back into my childhood regressed brain I am deluded. The idea of a car is whisked away back to when I was 7-8 years old; And at that age a car is a match box or a plastic model kit; or Tonka truck... or Tyco car racing set... or HotWheels... I never got beyond that emotionally; that is as far as I grew.
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I can start building bridges on paper and my imagination from that time period of playing with Hotwheels under the pool table in the Dinning room; and I can go from their to build a new life on paper and in my imagination into the present; Ill use visualizing. So this will be a start.
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Ill do the same for relationships... Its going to hurt moving forward regardless; I wont die... it will be sad at first; all of this is truly sad; to have experienced any of this...
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Ive been working on things... Ill continue to work on things.
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