July 2025
June 2025
Phase serious; The point of the Phase serious is 2 areas of interest;
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1. TO create live music and perform it live
2. A Girl friend
3. Car; Transportation...
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I am adding third area; ( car); dont know why; Its added; Universe is speaking to me...
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Problems dealing with creating music for live work is solved; The ability to perform beginning pieces is solved... Thank you Universe and everyone else for helping me including this site for letting me write my stuff out... Does not mean its any easier or that I want to follow through. Just means the mental illness part of my life is not stopping me anymore. Everything else might; but I dont have to write about that all the time. My primary writing is about mental illness and how it blocks me from dealing with reality; thus; blocking me from dealing with my problems.
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2. Girlfriend. For this to happen I must release all past associations; information concerning First Love. She must go...
She is a lie; Everything surrounding her was a lie... SHe was a sociopath and a pathological liar. I made the mistake of collecting evidence when I first met her that led me to the conclusion she was mistreated by her parents but a wonderful sensitive person. I was wrong; I was mistaken; It was 2 late; she was just like her parents by the time I met her... It was in her personality; nothing I could do; she showed signs of psychopathy. Later things will get alot worse; AT That time Im already suckered in; I have no idea what is happening and Im already being dumped and discarded before I know what hit. I was totally confused and destroyed and devastated.
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I am now getting over that devastation;
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Signs are showing up that
1. She means nothing to me; She is and was a sociopathic criminal; nothing more. Nothing there. I have sick feelings toward this person; and nothing more; fear and disgust.. Im losing any other feeling base... These type of people make me sick to my stomach...
2. Because God has helped me slowly open up who this really is; was; Im finding my whole mind; when thinking about her; able to want to switch her out; switch out the whole of that thinking memory system; it all goes for a few second; She( the whole thing disgusts me) This suggests nothing but a disgust for this person and very little or no empathy about her... She is or was a demonic element.. ANd my mind is now switching her off completely with focussed agreement. This means part of me is not fighting it anymore. THe child in me and my soul and me now agree with the evidence the universe has presented; THis was a psychopath nothing more... I ran into a psychopath; that's all that happened here. I payed for it; Now its time to get rid of her presences within me; all so I can live a relational life again.
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3. God did not send me to this person. THis person was not of God; I thought God was behind me on bringing her into my fold where she could be loved was a complete mishap; a mistake; a mistaken identity.
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The point of all this; its starting to crack or break or shatter open a bit... The whole of the system (HER)that has been controlling me for years... THe idea of; if i let go of the memories and identity of this person; I lose her for ever; I will die!. God has shown me just what this person was. This was no one to have ever met.. This Jackal was not for any normal citizen to get involved with.
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4. The ability to live without her memory is getting better; Im getting relief and Im getting stronger( within reason; I was shattered her; I am seeing differences and changes). I have a life I can create outside now. I can learn. Im better then being around scum that offered me crumbs... I mean seriously; I was weaseled out of even remembering my worth and value; I had everything flipped upside down... By the time she was done; I was the one groveling on the ground like a broken lunatic who had lost my life. THats because I was dealing with a pathological liar that sets innocent people on fire; You might say; Setting them up to take a fall; TO be destroyed/ THats all they do...
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So; This is the beginning signs of getting better; getting over this person; I want the reader to understand; This is a miracle; but its just the beginning; in this case; Its one thought at a time. When that whole system of that person hits me and takes over my nervous system; Im able to block or switch that whole system out; all of it; Im now just strong enough to pull it off for a second. I mean. I dont know how long it will take to stop dissociating when her visual comes up in my mind. When I dissociate Im not present and cant deal with her memories; I cant get rid of them. However, as I get stronger and stop dissociating; I can deal with her memories; I can switch them out or block them and take over the control of my own mind; my own thinking; and I am. ( Getting rid of her; out of my mind; wanting this completely is the goal; no reservations). Reservations are a normal long term problem in a case like this; it takes time to come back to reality without this persons presence; even if that co dependent presence are memories or ghosts... But its more then that; its like being trauma bonded trained to obey or lose the person. I mean; thats what they use against a person... Finally they discard the person.. I suppose they would use anything they have to weaponize; love; sex; security; anything; friendship; anything they can destroy about the other person.
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Getting insecure;
I do get hit with a set of thoughts that create great pain when I attempt to get rid of her out of my mind; out of my thinking; suddenly I see and feel horrible thoughts about myself; Like Im doing something horribly wrong by getting rid of her.
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Ive decided to get better;
At this point; Im willing to go through this brain-washing nonsense until I get better.
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It feels like I was literally brainwashed out of my identity by all of this. And I believe thats exactly what this psychopath wanted to do. They like to shed innocent blood and kill people in any form they can get away with; it was no different when dealing with me; I was murdered in the ways I opened up. I let my guard down and I was murdered in every-way possible where those guards were down. I was innocent and had no idea...
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This will take along time to get my thinking back under my control so I can choose what I think is valuable and whom... Its been under everyone else's control but mine.
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My personality was brutally raped and assaulted easy by a psychopath... I was left crippled and permanently destroyed. THe fact I get even a chance to come back to life or relationships again; the opportunity is a true miracle. However, Ive been doing the work in the recovery process. So Ive been showing up for my own recovery for a long while...
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Car;
This is a new one. Ill pray about it. Its a sign I guess; a sign of maturity; it seems to be growing and growing of interest. The universe will have to come up with the funds; I certainly appear to have a use for it; for vacation purposes... I want transportation for my vacation interests... Ive looked into other choices; a car would be a better choice then public transportation for these longer excursions... I think; Ill take it to the universe on my knees; Ill meditate first and then throw it into the mix and see what happens.
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So... We will see. Im still to emotionally young in soul and emotions; A gap resides where Im at and having a car... it scares me... So; I have to grow some more when Im ready to handle the outside world. Its all a God thing... Ill work with God on it. I have allot of deep gaps between where Im at; new pathways to experience and to make it across the divide to a mature place of a car. We will see what God wants to do here.
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