July 2025
June 2025
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Im at this point;
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I came from nothing; I came from a family system that was trying to get rid of me from the day I was born and doing absolutely nothing for me or to help me...
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THey made sure I would never get any help or attention for my schooling.. and for the rest of my life.
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By the time Im in 5th grade; they will erase all information about me; including the house and street and neighborhood I came from..
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I am completely thrown away and discarded and erased; No trace of my existence in my home town; Nothing.
I will go through numerous horrors and bad things much worse; from that day on...
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HERE I AM NOW;
So; IVe always felt like a throw away from general society and that I didnt fit in anywhere or come from anything or have an identity associated with society of any kind. I felt worthless and a nothing in this society...
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The hurt and trauma of being thrown away over n over into nothingness; I ended up trauma bonded to everything and thought myself worthless and warped and didnt care anymore about anything; I had lost everything; was not connected to anything anymore; nothing...
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So; Here I am now;
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The question is; if I go out into society; who am I? how do I feel good about myself? What story do i use when speaking or associating with others; What people do I associate with; where do I find them; who are; who are they not?
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Im so worried about being accepted that Im never myself...
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My goal is to feel good about myself where Im at in society and have purpose on society... and go toward that purpose... regardless of my background. Lot more work on my background; processing; will be needed; I have lots of past trauma being thrown away over n over n over... Where Im insecure and I have no one.
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This wont be easy... In fact; Ill have to work with God on all of this..
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So;
Here are my general goals and one new goal.
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1. Girlfriend
2. Car
3. Feeling good about myself with a purpose in society; feeling great and fine in society... Successful; feeling confident and successful; on the right track in life... Not worrying about what others think... Feeling good about myself internally.
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From a long time ago; No one was looking out for me; I just thought they were;
NOTE: Older brother was a Sociopath; numerous times he would invite me to others houses or places or to do things; Nothing was sincere.. I would end up in places that were dead ends; I would end up at peoples houses that did not want me at their homes and never invited me; my brother lied... and he hung around others that lied. I didnt realize what I was getting pulled into.. Many times I was get destroyed being in these places he falsely led me on believing I was invited to... it was always a trap basically... Accept I never really saw it until much later. I didnt understand; this was a sociopath who felt nothing for me or anyone else. If he invited me somewhere that wasnt safe; he took no responsibility for it. He just said what ever he wanted to feel or say at that moment regardless of the consequences to me or anyone else. And many times I found myself in very bad situations or with people who didnt understand how or why they were meeting me; I was a stranger...
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Im mad I never saw this... I wish I had never gone with him on most of these lied excursions.
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Ill take it to God.. And it always sounded like he was on my side and an opportunity had shown up and he was trying to innocently help me out... He wasnt trying to help anyone with anything; He was a sociopath...
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So Im learning that half the trouble I got into came from listening to this lying sociopath... He was deceptive with no concious; so no indication anything was wrong when he would invite me somewhere..
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I thought he was on my side; He was not... How could he be... He was on no ones side.
The key would have been for me to get my own life together. I dont know how that could have ever happened; it would have been to much for me to define and work toward at the time...
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SO; Here I am now; The goal is to keep working with God and define my goals; and work with God and others to achieve them; to have a success based life at any level that Im at...
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THe goal I have is to change my value of myself from worthless to wonderful? On my own; on my own merit; inside Job working with God... How do I do this; Ill start with God and start using success based techniques that have worked in other areas for success. I want to bring the idea of feeling worthy and successful; I want to feel this in the here n now in reality... I want to bring it into reality... And learn boundaries to keep it in reality safely.
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