August 2025
July 2025
Figuring out the next steps to get better…
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Ill keep up what Im doing; And more I think…
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I can trace it back to the beginning of my life; I can trace it back to 1st through 4th grade; No one is there. Im an intelligent introverted sensitive; really sensitive artistic kid; The kind to become a teacher artist mathematician composer and so on…
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Im have all kinds of dreams from watching TV…
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Im literally dumped and walked over in the 5th grade as if Im not there; as if Im not even alive. Im aggressively dumped as if I was never born… Im discarded As if Im not born; not their.. totally walked over; like Im not there… like I don’t exist… Nothing… PTSD; massive PTSD; House taken over Gone… Im Gone… No one cares…
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So; I have to get over what happened in the 5th grade; somehow face it over n over in my imagination and walk through it; working with God… Until I can safely and securely see myself in my house able to face what happened; walk right through it and right out the door; keeping my original identity in-tact-ed.
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That is the goal; the main goal; running it over n over in my imagination; taking back one foot at a time… learning not to dissociate if I can…
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The problem is; From that point on I have to imagine I still live in that house; my house; and I go back their and work with God on day to day basis bringing my life back online. That is the work… Its possible; still way overwhelming but possible… I need my identity strengthened.
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FIRST LOVE: I was fooled; I thought she was someone like myself; I was completely fooled by her actions; I thought she was someone like myself who was being ran-over ran-down ran-off by her family who didn’t love her. I was completely wrong. She was actually picking up on my cues and faking it… She was a whole-other animal I never recognized…
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I thought she might be someone on my side; someone sent by God.. And I believed this for numerous months; And at first I completely believed I had this humble friend who lived up the street that understood me; a friend; And God must have sent her to me; Just for me. And I had allot of the innocent concepts within my heart and mind; To bad non of them will be the truth; Unfortunately I actually found myself around a Liar and a Jr psychopath in training. By the time I was stunned- shocked -wake-up; It was 2 late. I had already fell for all of it. And I was destroyed.. Thus 10 times worse; better not to have ever ventured out into a community I didn’t know…
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And this will happened again when I move back home into my best friends house; Suddenly Im the scape-goat; they never allowed me to move into their house because they were trying to help me or cared about me… Suddenly I was the identity they chose to put me under or see me as; I was totally treated like a second class citizen… And gas lighted the whole time. In complete confusion pain rejection and horribly broken hearted; I did not understand.
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Later in the recovery process I will understand that I never associated with the right people to begin with; never from the earliest of ages; In fact; I found people like the psychopaths I lived with; was born with; and migrated to their house unsuspecting I was with more psychopaths; but thats exactly who I found out; attracted; to befriend; To become friends with; and I never saw it at first. However; their were signs from the beginning; Everywhere a sign!~ All over the place; I unsuspecting… didn’t know any of it would be applied to me. And I thought those I befriended were victims of their homes like I had been.
In reality; Ill be the only victim of all groups involved; Im the only victim; These fake friends I made were just as much perpetrators as their parents are families; I had simply walked into poison spider nests; I never reorganized any of it…
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In the case of my first love; it took about 5 months. In the case of my best friend growing up; it took 5 years and then another 8 years before I finally got it. I kept going back to these people even tho the evidence presented to me suggested they were not my friends and did not care about what happened to me. I acted as if we were all family and I could go back to them; In reality; they never wanted me in the first place; no one did.
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First First Love was faking the whole thing; the whole time; She never wanted me; never wanted me up at her house; never wanted to meet me; Nothing; I Was a completely stranger she could have done without… I never knew; I never got it. I never got the signs; the red flags; the obvious red flags; She was not interested…
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NOTE: First Love was a Robber; I got rolled; I got taken by a stranger; Thats all it was; I fell into the hands of the wrong people; perpetrators; In a neighborhood I did not know. I gOt rolled. Its no different then someone being robbed at gun point; the robbers catch someone off guard; they put them at gun point; rob them; then shoot them; And their it is… Thats all that happened to me; Nothing more; I ran into Robbers; I was disarmed; flipped upside down; used; and discarded before I knew what had happened or whom I was dealing with. I was a stranger to the person; and they were a complete stranger play acting and acting role to set me up for the fall. Once they got what they wanted; They were never seen again! Nothing new here; Lots of bad evil people in the world.. I got raked by one of them; thats all! Its not easy to move on; but really! No time or place for ego in something like this; Its something bad that happened; its a crime actually.. Immoral crossing! Things happen… Things happen to good and innocent people who mean well… who mean no harm. Sometimes a robber is disguised as a little old lady who is out to Jack U; and take your purse savings.. You realize after being hit over the head; hours later; it was a 250 pound guy with a beard dressed in a little old ladies outfit! I never knew… It was a seasoned criminal masquerading as a nice person; It happens… it happened to me. I have to learn to get over it and move on because Ive done the work to be able to! And thus; its owed to me… So; Im learning how…
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NOTE: Finding safe places. In the case of being robbed in different forms through out my life; I was at the robbers houses because I thought those were Safe Spaces; In reality; they were anything but safe spaces; They were never safe and in the end I be Snuffed out/destroyed and discarded at some point.
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One goal; Work with God on safe spaces with safe people… I ended up around allot of bad people because I was trying to escape other bad people… So; now! I work with God on all this… for answers.
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The same was true for my Fake first best friend; Same thing; I was never wanted; they never wanted to meet me… They wished I had never walked over to them in the first place and introduced myself; they never needed me nor wanted me around and wished they had never met me…
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I get it; I get the message; Fair enough!
I was thrown away and sexually abused and other things; and sent to different peoples homes who didn’t want me. I tried to escape and rescue myself; but at different homes of people who Never Wanted me; they didn’t want me Either. And of course; I was completely devastated..
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In the 5th grade; I had no more home…
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TODAY:
The goal is to get in touch with whom I was; 4-9 years old; Hold onto that identity and all the dreams and plans I had; hold on to it; give it to God; let myself and God role around with it; and slowly write new stories from that position; write new stories about my life; Write new stories of a continuing life as if I had the choice to continue in a favorable fashion.
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12 step groups and recovery process;
My recovery is mainly 12 step groups these days; as I slowly learn how to get on my feet again; they act as family support in many ways; what ever way I need them to be; I go to many per day. They were not perfect; lots of dysfunctional and abusive people at these places… So; Im always taking my chances to open up… if I show to much recovery heading forward; someone always shames me in front of the group; trying to put me down or keep me down; a kind of narcissistic take over of power. So; its not always easy or safe in those places… I take my chances when I open up to much stuff to strangers…
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However; with Gods help; its all slowly working to help me get strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet…
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The point is; No one else will ever help me from the past get on my feet again the way I need to be; its up to me and God working together… And thats what Im heading toward… Its not easy.
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Within the 12 step groups Im covert; Ive got dual diagnoses problems with mental health issues those people know nothing about… or the symptoms or how they would affect me. Or what Im really dealing with or my original background.
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Its important; imperative that I move beyond the 5th grade; that I bust through the trauma I experiences; that I break through to the other side where Im standing on my own 2 feet again in my original neighborhood; within my imagination… As if Im back; Im back being me; being me again.
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If I stay covert and just keep to myself and get the love and attention from the recovery process I need; Ill slowly get fit again emotionally and back on my feet I think.
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Ive been working with meditation more n more; hopefully I can keep it up… its important for alignment…
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GOALS;
Im learning that I am responsible to practice the processes that strengthen the goal chain to my desires… If I want a car; Ive got to learn to believe I have a car; believe ive been driving it and its already here.. positive attitude about all of this… Cant say it any better; a positive attitude about it; And I sincerely cant say it any better then this; a positive attitude about this.
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The only way to get a positive attitude about this subject or any other manifestation subject is to completely believe Im getting what I want; that its on its way or its already here…
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The idea of believing is the goal… The work within my imagination; strengthening over n over n over; believing… That is my struggle today; I will get better at it… slowly… facing one new foot at a time of such things…
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MUSIC AND ART:
Going well; Its what ever I want to put the hard work into…
My original goal was to free up the ability to create music and Art; to show it or perform what Ive created any time I want; no walls; no blocks. Little did I realize; Id still be a psycho-mess trying to create something; even tho I and God and co created breaking through those walls and blocks. And thus; the hard work entails.. Nothings free or always fun or excitingly attention relieving.
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Car; Money; I call this an Adult thing.. Im trying to manifest an Adult thing! I cant say it any better; Im going from a childs perspective to manifesting something in the adult world; And why this is so important? GOALS! This keeps me really busy interested and steady on something for the future; Not just a car; but how to face the fear and worthiness to create a car and all necessities out of thin air; Also; Not to feel sorry for myself; my life; in the process; Maybe my cards weren’t dealt to me the best way. O well!~ Im learning to get over and learn how to manifest something for myself anyway…
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The idea; I may not get what I want when I want it yet because I don’t believe yet. In the mean time I have a recovery process Ill keep working.
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The goal is Believing..
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GIRLFRIENDS: Not yet; I have to stop being a victim and heal from it. Ill work with God on becoming present; Im making progress. I see I have to go back into my Grade School years and work through them… Keep working through any time of my life where I was a victim; work through it; come out of it and just sit with it.. And learn to be safe.
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NOTE: Safe Spaces; Again; this topic comes up; Ill have to work with God on this… subject so I can believe.
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