July 2025
June 2025
First Love; was not a sensitive library introvert like me. I was hoping opposites attract( I was hoping she was just like me down deep); I was hoping she was just like me but had been neglected by her parents and from her hardened outer shell; deep down inside she was just like me but didn't know it; and I was going to be her helper and help bring the " real her" out to life; It never happened; Instead I was wrong on both counts; she turned out to be a sociopath with traits of psychopathy and a narcissist... With Sadistic tendencies; something I was not prepared for nor ready to bargain with; I was smashed and overran by this... Hit like a tsunami...
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What have a learned; She was not like me. I was fine. Im a naturally intellectual scholarly sensitive library introverted potential ; forced to change identities in several numerous ways to survive... she was seemed to be like this but without the human qualities.. More animal like.. no remorse or compassion...
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My first love was "not-right" for me. I wish she had been but she wasnt; I was trying to claim I had found evidence she was one kind of person when she was actually another.. She was not a sensitive library person; she was a cheerleader on the football field person; and unfortunately; I will feel the wrath of such a type of person when things dont work out correctly; She was not a nice person or a sensitive person as I wished in my make believe; I was wrong..
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No big deal; I was never supposed to be up their ( around her or anyone like her) in the first place... Not my kind of people.
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Im starting to realize I was never suppose to be around any of these creeps in the first place; I was an introvert and spent most of my time with one friend and the rest of the time getting into private interests at home.. Unfortunately; I didnt have the best friends I thought I did; so I was more alone. I would have talked to God and asked GOd to bring me the right people for the job. but I Was a home person; a " I love being in my room creating person at home person". " I do not like planes; I like caves person".
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I experienced a strange thing today at the meetings; a young women; I stay way away from her. I stay way away from most of the women in the meetings; they are not safe; not for me... Most seem so in love with their unrealistic dream view of themselves; I just walk away and stay away from them. They want men to either bow down to them or walk on eggshells when around them; TO much socialist TV I think; theyve been watching. No problem; U wont here a thing from me; I wont ever get near any of them to worry about it. and Im silently learning and watching and observing my own thoughts and what they mean. Im gathering information and learning from all of these type interactions...
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She said somethings that attracted me today. She said she needed something for her life; so she called out to God; told God what she needed and a day later it arrived complete. She was totally happy with herself and her belief that GOd supplies what ever she needs.
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IT was the use of the laws of attraction to a complete form. I wish I had that kind of trust and belief; Thats what Im working toward. And for this reason; I was attracted to her personality. But I knew better then to ever got close to someone like this. The problem is; I knew better then to be attracted to a person like this or allow myself to day dream about it.. I did; just a little; but cautiously; but then I stopped; I know better. When I got up from my seat; I moved around her cautiously; I went to the coffee station to get something; I noticed she gave a kind of jerking motion as she got up; Ive dealt with this before; it was a kind of premadonna motion; freeze mode when ever a predator might be close... I had to walk by her on pins n needles or egg shells incase I triggered her. So; thats the kind of high pretention'd individual I am dealing with. Thank God; Im not close to her; not really dealing with her because I never allowed myself to ever get close to her. So; I can continue to listen to people and get meaning and insight from their words but never ever be dumb enough to get close to them or associate with them... Because Im way more advanced then she is; and never knew it... Now Im remembering just whom Im dealing with. Im starting to remember myself; who I am...
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NOTE: Here is a point of wisdom; I would not like to ever be around this girl ever again; I never felt safe around her... Safety first; And I dont like being in a meeting with her... I just dont like the pretentiousness... And something always happens; some kind of shaming behavior or guilt gender behavior from people like this toward me; its like a " I am women; hear me roar statement"; everytime Im in the room with people like this. I just want to sit down and go to a meeting; I dont want to be taken hostage by these creeps; I hate it. However; I must say; today was a redeeming quality; she said something practical I needed to hear... So; Im assuming sunny Jesus wanted me at these meetings today...
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NOTE: iTS not different for the men at the meeting; Im not singling out women; almost ALL the guys are waistoids like me. But sometimes the women weaponize their womanhood against unsuspecting men when they are simply walking by to get coffee. " Im sorry; Im not looking at you; Im not focussed on you or trying to give you attention; Now; Please! Leave me Alone!!! Im just trying to get coffee! However; like today; it may have been that I was suppose to be at this meeting today and listen to what a few people had to say! I definitely needed to hear what I heard.
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"NEVER GET DUMB ENOUGH TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM> MY GRANDMA ALWYS SAID.....
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I realized when listening to this girl in the meetings today; She is not in my league.. Did I forget where Im at.. Did I forget who I am... Im an intellectual library guy displaced... Im starting to wake up of who I am. Im realizing with a little bit of personal responsibility I can regain much of my lost life... Im learning how to climb that hill that seemed impossible before. If and when I can take a little more responsibility for my life; I wont have to be around girls like this at the meeting where I have to walk on eggs shells when going by because I might be suggesting Im a predator just because of my gender... That rhymes
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Im realizing Ive always been better or at a high level; just under developed; still a library guy.. just battered and torn and beat down introvert; but still in my library seat; my identity has not changed; and I didnt realize that... Now; Im working on getting my self worth and frequency back up to speed. I used to enlist these average or sub average meanies to associate with me to help me develop. It never happened; they just used me instead; not nice people; They looked nice on the outside; not nice on the inside... ANd without them I was completely alone and that is something I just could not bare; it just seemed like I was in the wrong life. So; Ill ask GOd to put me in the right life.
When suicidal half my life; it was because I was in the wrong life; I would have rather be in Heaven where I could be myself and safe.
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I was thinking about my best friend when young; grade school; early grade school... and unfortunately later...
I liked him as a friend; unfortunately; he never accepted me as an equal or an intelligent friend or person. He thought I was beneath him( He was no friend) I have a friend in God. I put up with that for a long long time; Him and his family thought I was less then; they didnt take the time to find out what kind of person I am. Ill admit; they never came to me. I went to them from the start. THe power was in their court. However, looking back now; Now that I know who I am. I realize; They were never in my league... Not from a human aspect.. In fact; I would not get caught dead associating with someone like that anymore... it would be identity suicide to associate with some creep like that... No Thanks; It reminds me of the First Girl Ill love at a much later date; I tried to form ( Her)someone into something they were not; a human being! a sensitive nice human being; That way I would never be alone. It did not work; it never worked. I took a sociopath and tried to act like it was a doll and turn her into my own personal luv; At the end Im turned on and discarded... and that is horrible deal... and Im worth more then to play with these snakes. Today; I will talk to God for God to bring me helpers... and the right people; People From GOd; So; I must do the work.
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IM STARTING TO UNDERSTAND>..
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Im starting to understand that Im a decent sensitive introvert library type intellectual who has people pleased all my life to survive; When the people around me were much less quality... I gave them everything of myself. I got crumbs in return.
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so; I realize who I am; Im beat up from the street up and with not much development and self esteem but Im back sitting in the library where my intellectual sensitivity identity belongs.
I remember the Universe telling; " I can have whatever I want as long as its in the library and not on the football field. Im a library person.
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ANXIETY DISORDER; AN UNDERSTANDING>
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Arrested development; Im starting to make improvement; through neglect I stopped developing numerous times at many different ages; everything was cut up within fragmented time periods until I become lost confused psychoid and fragmented... Soon I was a fragmented person that could not function... and I stayed disordered in this condition.
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Bad people used my condition against me to make themselves look smarter and myself lacking and of less ability and value. Now Im starting to wake up to it; I got used. They were never my friends; they were never of any quality. THey were just users... I had no value to them; nothing!
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Developmental trauma disorder;
Ive been working on steps to get beyond the anxiety wall. And it think its working a bit; its giving me a different view of things. Others liked the fact i was trapped behind this anxiety wall; They could treat me badly and never have to take me seriously. But now Im seeing my own worth; and really; I dont need any of those people; those bad people that treated me less then Im worth; I do need the recovery process and God. The goal is to head forth toward my goals; These goals require Im at a higher frequency then this anxiety will allow; so; Ill learn ways to jump over this anxiety wall; God will help me. Im starting to see it; and I dont need these fake people to help me get over this wall and grow up or grow forward; God will bring me all I need. I do not need to be brainwashed into believing I have to miss these bad people from my past in order to grow upward into the independent life I want.
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