July 2025
June 2025
The hard( heart) part;
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As sanity and sobriety start to slowly show up in my life; a reality hits; I want to hang out with people who are aligned with life; Those with experience working; in relationships; finances.. some levels of success... Houses; cars... People in the real world who are doing something. Ive met to many jockers or talk well and are or have done nothing but con people; and Im not interested in being influenced by those type of people.
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I want to hang out with people that are sincerely working on themselves.. And or working on themselves in the recovery process. Those who have morals... decency; common sense...
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Im a broken person; I mean; thats all I am and was for most of this... Im barely coming through the net myself... However, it looks like this fish is not getting thrown back in the sea; it looks like I made onto the boat.. And thats a good thing... Now; I have to make sure i dont get eaten... that I can make it to the big fishbowl aquarium at Grandmas house and live a life of ease and comfort.
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Heres the problem; Im being forced to let go. To accept what happened in the past and move on. And Ive done just enough to work to do so; Just enough. I mean; right their on the edge; But its enough. 51% vs 50%; Ive done just enough work with the universe to move on into a world of replacements for those people and places and things from the past that are no more; I ended up alone... So; God is now helping to replace a broken life; if I follow GOd.
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When I was younger; I wanted to be loved and I wanted good friends; I did not find them; Not in the right respects; I ended up with all the wrong people. THey were hidden covert narcissists; thats what I found; and they stayed hidden; at least with me.. or from me. I had not idea who or what they were or how they actually saw me; not until it was 2 late... Then I saw them...
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Many of the " SO called friends" I associated with; had no respect or value for me at all; Nothing; they thought of me as inferior; less than; loser or trash... I had no idea... And I had made the wrong choices in friends.. THats what happened.. I had made the wrong choices of who I got near.
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FIRST LOVE:
What happened; I did not check whom I was dealing with. This was a person who had many choices of boyfriends and friends. SHe had high level successful boyfriends and husband inmind. SHe had requirements.. or standards.. I was a broken person with nothing; I was just looking for friend; someone I could love or love me... I made a big big mistake; This person did not feel anything for me. I was way out of my league. This person had plenty of other people to date or associated with; They had plenty of opportunities for the kind of people they really liked; wanted to associate with. She never wanted to associate with me in the first place. As a friend; I was her second choice. When I associated with her; She had no real interest in me and no feeling for me. I was not her first pick; or any kind of a pick. I thought she was picking me (I was wrong)( I was living in a fantasy); I made a mistake... I had gone to this strangers house ( Her); and assumed everything... Assumed I would be accepted and liked; assumed someone did like me or would like me; Assumed we would be together; assumed we were on the same wavelink. I assumed everything; And finally; I assumed I was building a friendship with her without first asking or finding out who she was or if she was even interested in me or interested in associating with me or seeing me again or seeing me the first time. it all came crashing down on my head; I was wrong on all counts... 100%. It was embarrassing. I felt horrible; I felt my actions had set me up to look like a laughing stalk of the city.. I had presumed something that never existed. I felt so ashamed; humiliated... I just kind of coward out; coward away down the street never to really return ever again...
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She made it clear; we were no friends and she had never suggested we were ever going to friends; that she didnt know me; and didnt want me around her! What was I talking about?. What was I doing at her home? I felt like so useless. I felt like I had been an intruder who was caught red handed with the goods and all the spotlights were on me! ANd I had nowhere to run.
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I got the message; and I left...
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NOTE: When she saw I was weak mentally ill and delusional; She started playing me for the fun of it when I showed up... Played me as if we were going to be friends...( like a false promise).
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I was so torn to pieces; I was so desperate for help; I never thought of someone lying to me or trying to kill me or destroy me out hatred and contempt to prove her way of life was superior to people like me... IT was almost like she was going to give me a lesson who would dare step foot in her backyard or life who wasnt worthy of her high position in society... I was going to made an example of what happens when inferior types like me try to even think about laying eyes on her for any reason;
I had no idea this person or any person was like this; I was just looking for help! I was just looking for a friend.
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NOTE: And later this would be one more example of why it is better to find state agencies for help; dont go up the street in the neighborhood to the middle class houses. THey might know something about water skiing but not nothing about being a human being or a human being dying who needs help... THey are not the people to go to when Im in trouble.
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THere was no one there.. No friend; no girlfriend.. No one who liked me or wanted me or wanted to get close to me or wanted to be friends with me; ( This person did not want to be my girlfriend) and was not interested in me; Nothing. I had literally picked the wrong household to visit... It was not safe. I was not her First choice or any choice...
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NOTE; Later I would realize; non of these people in these middle class neighborhoods; non of them would ever see someone like me as their first choice; They had a prejudice and contempt against broken destroyed people; people who had been raped murdered tortured and abandon...
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NOTE: I always ended up everyone's second choice; I was never anyone's first choice. Somehow it would show through and I would get that disappointed moment that I was told or shunned to a point that I Was not good enough to associate with them; no one liked me or wanted me; I meant nothing to everyone; Here we go again!
Later; I finally gave up on the human race; the human experience; I no longer cared about anything anymore; I didnt have any interest anymore... I had nothing but disgust for these people. I wanted nothing to do with them. Anyone anymore...
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Mental illness plays a big role in this; I was mentally ill untreated and at a point of non functioning in the school system or in any form of relationships; I was showing heavy signs of a kind of psychotic schizophrenic processing concerning the outside world; I was completely ruptured in personality and dissociated from reality. THe people Id meet just wrote me off as a harmless fool. They would laugh at me and discard me... Just has this girl had...
I think maybe I tried to come across as someone different then what I am when I first met her; I tried to act more like someone who had it together.. but when she found out non of that was true; I was laughed at and asked to leave.. I was like an intruder who got his mask pulled of; When they found out who I really am; I was kicked out and told never to visit there ever again.
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IF I had done some research; I would have known; she would never be interested in a person like me.... And I was correct; she wasnt. I was the last person in the world she would ever have any reason to associate with; ( I was just looking for a friend; I was looking for help). She was someone who was looking for someone else; If looking at all... Certainly it was Not me she would be looking for. . She had no appreciation for me or value for me; No interest in me; Nothing;
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In a way I was like a salesman; I was trying to sell myself;
And at some point; she lost interest and what I was trying to sell her... She got bored and moved on... I tried to sell myself to her; to promote; and finally she got tired of it and moved on. She was not really interested in me.. I finally got the message and left. I was never to be seen again; She was like a stranger I tried to sell goods to; I out weighed my welcome. They never asked for the goods; THey didnt want the goods and I kept trying to sell them; finally I was asked to leave.
I never understood; In their eyes; I was just a salesmen; nothing more... Not someone to associate with. I was of the lower ranks in society. I didnt seem to get it; Thus; they asked me to leave and not to return.. dont come back; I was not wanted there. I so delutional and heart broken; it took me a while to get it...
Next time; its better to put the vegetable stand on the side of the road; and see who shows up; Its attraction not promotion. Promoting to the wrong person was a waist of time. I had somehow gotten so mentally ill or delusional I had forgotten reality.
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NOTE: Within reality; I Was just looking for help. I was extremely mentally ill and had no outlets... nothing.
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IF I had gone in the direction of God; and headed toward the safety of what GOd had for me; I would have never met strangers who had no interest in me.. I would have gone in the opposite direction and headed toward God. Down Gods pathway; God can work with me to make good things possible.
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The wires are crossed;
I thought I was heading in the direction of GOd; I was wrong. My wiring/connection with God; it was all tangled and backward.. I was getting crossed signals. I ended up around the wrong people but I had the right intentions; but the wrong people. I was in the wrong direction; like taking the wrong turn down the wrong street but finding the right house number; only to find out Im in the wrong part of town at the wrong house; but only finding out months later after investing thousand hours of my time. Only to find out I had to leave or was asked to leave. ANd in a state of bewilderment; totally defeated and confused; finally running out of options to rest my head...
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And this cross wiring and mixed up signals will plague my early life so badly; Ill end up destroyed and in poverty.
I will be defeated at every turn because in the outside world Im never accepted... But Im never accepted because I randomly walk out into a world of strangers and assume they will automatically like me see me and accept me. IT never happened.. Not one liked me or valued me or accepted me. I was trampled under everyone's feet; turned on; torn to pieces. I was an offence to people who thought I was a nuisance. I was trampled under foot... tossed and thrown away...
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Finally with enough time of being ripped to pieces and rejected; I finally started to wise up later in the recovery process when some of my senses started to return to me.
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Ive learned to stop selling myself... Stop going door to door to strangers demanding they take me in as family... All I ever wanted was to be loved; All I got was discarded and spat on. Most couldn't understand why I was on their door step in the first place.
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Life did not turn out to be this quality movie; instead it turned out to be a torture chamber... But; thats what happens when I dont take God with me; dont check in with God on a daily regular basis and dont allow the universe/God wisdom to direct me... THis is what happens when I dont have support.
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Down Gods pathways; I have a chance; I have no chance in any other direction...
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So; Im a newbie when it comes to working with GOd.. .Im a newbie when it comes to trusting God; Im a newbie when it comes working with God and working with God in the real world. Im a newbie when it comes to working down GOds pathways; learning to work with GOd down Gods pathways and only God and only Gods pathways.. No others... And there it is!
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Im a Newbie when it comes to working with God and relationships
Im a Newbie when it comes to working with God and relationships
Im a Newbie when it comes to working with God and relationships
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So; this is what I know.
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Mental health and abuse problems kept me in a defeated serious state of Developmental trauma disorder. Im not sure I ever got any real experience in the real world with anything or anybody... Ever!
I dont count the people who were leading me on or playing me as any kind of development; because I was a broken person looking for help and they helped to destroy me.
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Im talking about real friends and real activities where I was safe or felt safe and could learn to function. Never happened in my past life. Everything at some point was pulled from underneath me; all things died...
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I did not have the maturity to function at all at any level in society in being able to compete or have any success in activities or relationships. I needed to be some place that was safe where I was not dealing with society.
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I had no chance in my past life for any kind of successful interactions with building starting or being part of any form of relationships or activities. No foundation had ever been built... No one seemed to want to help; And the rest is abuse and defending and being takin over by trauma; to a point of non functioning...
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HOW AM I RIGHT NOW TODAY:
I have the opportunity to relive my life and build it into a foundation that works with activities and relationships. I have the ability to get straightened out...
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Can I function down the God directed pathways in a functional successful way to my desired outcomes? I dont know... However, Under the care of a higher power universe God; Ill give it a try and learn how other adults attempt goals at life; how they deal with set backs; how they get back on their feet and try again.
Im not expecting to much today. Im hoping with enough learning situations I will be able to maybe get on the right track for possibly something correct to come my way... a functional situation. Im willing to try.. I have support; Im not alone. This does not mean I know what Im doing; I dont. but Im willing to take a chance on GOd and try some things down Gods pathways...
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I suffer from dissociative disorder; and allot of me is not present or able to connect to anything in front of me. THings are better; I still have anxiety disorder walls around me... that keep me locked in. I still have AVPD. CPTSD... and so on......
Im still hurt from the past; ruptured. But Ive got enough recovery and a good enough relationship with God to head forth and work with God down Gods pathways and try some new things and see what happens. I have a GOd pathway to experiment in; try things; attempt some development under Gods care.
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NOTE: present problems; Still dethatched from reality; I have specific gaps Im working on; I want bridged; Ill keep working with God on these things.
I have allot of dissociation that has caused great gaps in my behavior... So; Ill be working at many things...
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