August 2025
July 2025
Social;
So; I told the group tonight about this being my first night opening up as the new me; I told them Ive been working on past stuff and Ive separated from that past stuff. And now I want to learn how to be social again...
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Challenges;
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My mother putting me down in the car when I was trying to upon up to her at age 16. I was in a new town and had no support and sent forth hate messages to me so strongly that I wasnt wanted or ever wanted or looked at with any respect; nothing... this completely shut me down; I did not have a voice anymore; not only did my mother never want me but nobody did and no one cared what happened to me. I was being discarded.
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At age 16; Mother and step father started showing signs they were tired of feeding me. The food quality dropped and the amounts; I could pick up very quickly what was going on; they did not care if I was dead or alive... This was one more example of not wanting me or having contempt that I was even in their home. I had no value to anyone.
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These 2 incidents are things I want to get over and grieve and come back to myself and life again and feel like Im wanted and part of something; Ill pray about it...
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My First Love will pick up on this kind of stuff later when Im around her and she will also discard me. She wont care what happens to me...
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Also; When a child in my home town at my home; wondering around with several different people from the neighborhood. I didnt realized I wasnt one of them; wasnt wanted by them; that is another strike that shut me down. Im trying to come back from these social slams... or smashes. Ill work on them with God and pray about them...
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Wanting to open up the things that alienated me from society and family systems; the dejection rejection isolation and hatred toward me caused by these people; and how to fight back; how to deal with it but not take it on personally and still retain myself and my self worth... Please God help me.
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TONIGHT;
So Tonight was the first Night of its kind. ITs the first authentic night coming out socially. Ive been working on this concept for 6 years. And everything is moving forward...
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The reason Im moving forward socially; Im over my First Love... That is why. It hurts; its not perfect; but Im over her... and moving into the present...
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Ill continue to do more work on her cleaning up the ground of the battles.. it may take for ever; but that doesnt matter to me; What matters is; God has separated me enough from that person; within my mind and nervous system that I can recovery and grow back into myself again.
Our partner
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