July 2025
June 2025
The goal of the PHASE serious is to work on 2 areas;
Activities
Relationships
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The goal with activities; to be able to bring my music abilities from a fantasy state back into reality...
The goal with relationships; to start dating again and have women in my life again and girlfriend and later a wife and family...
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Where am I with this;
Activities; Music has been brought back into reality and the physical music studio concept. I have been fooling around with it a bit; its not been very long that its been back.
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Relationships;
The First Goal God has for me is to get over my First Love completely. Ive been working on that for sometime.. And Im definitely getting somewhere. Im not there yet; Ill continue to work on this...
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First Love; WHere am I?
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Im getting over her. In a sense; its a legal separation created by GOd.. When I see her now in my nervous system; In my mind; she is 40 feet away; 60 feet away doing her own thing in her own world; its as if shes in a kitchen area doing her own thing; she is not interested that Im 60 feet away; she is not connected to it... I am not connect to her; a gap resides between us... a 60-100 foot gap.. She is not aware of me... God and allot of willingness to do what GOd asked; We are separated. THis means a few things.
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First; I can heal without her. And I am. I am healing without her; This means Im getting my strength back without her. Im growing forward and growing upward with out her. Im now growing back to myself. And truly; that is a miracle. I know of many people that will never get this kind of chance; a chance to rid themselves of a horrible past like this... Im very lucky; God is on myside.
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So; My First Love and I are separated. That means Im strong enough to go to new levels; and Ive been going to new levels of healing and strength on my own over this... And I will continue to grow back without her. Ive come back to reality in some ways. And its without that person; that person appears to me to still be up the street; but Im not; Ive grown. Im becoming a grown man while the memories of that person are still up the street; they are not with me. And she and them can stay there...
God is loving me and protecting me...
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FIRST LOVE;
She did not love me; and she did not like me or feel anything for me. That is why I left; It happens. Im not the only one. Its a horrible terrible ordeal to go through. I imagine most just bury it and stay tortured the remainder of their lives.
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NOTE; For her; it was like " Well; its better then nothing"; meaning; being with me... THat was the secret attitude coming off her. I sensed it within a few weeks... Its not that she didnt respond or tried; but I never the person she wanted or wanted to be with... Meaning; in her innocence; I was not the one. she did not feel anything for me; nothing... She did not care if she ever saw me again... I had made a big big mistake...
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The real problem is; It was no ones fault. I did not do anything for her to feel nothing for me. And she felt nothing for me regardless; Its not her fault. I remember her trying to accept me once when a friend of hers was over at her house. And the way she talked; I know she felt nothing for me.. it happens I guess.ITs not her fault... She couldn't have felt anything for me... She wasnt suppose to; she just didn't. It wasn't her fault or my fault... its just the way the cards were dealt on the table.
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BEFORE I MET HER:
I have( had) massive feelings from the universe to meet someone before I met this person who lived up the street. Its my opinion and Gods; as far as I know; that I was looking in the opposite direction that God was pointing me toward. I believe God wanted me to end up at a church and get involved with church kids; never meeting that girl up the street. FOr some reason I ended up at that girls house; but it was wrong; it was the wrong person... It was the wrong direction; My ability to go in the right direction was all messed up... This could have been from abuse; always countering the direction in front of me.. Because the abuse was in front of me. And at other times behind me and to the sides of me; nothing was safe..
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Ill have to work with God right now; pray and work with God on new stories for my life; I dont want to go through this anymore with any other people. I dont want to go in the wrong direction anymore. I want to go in the right direction and meet the people God originally intended for me to meet.
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I was defeated at that time because this was one more person that didnt like me...
I could see she felt nothing for me; She didnt have the depth.. nothing triggered in her; nothing. Nothing about me moved her; nothing; she felt nothing. I meant nothing to her.... She couldn't feel anything; she couldn't feel something for me if she tried or wanted to; because for a small while she tried... she just wanted something different or better or what ever. I think she wanted a boyfriend; but wasnt expecting me to show up; something went wrong; miss match of cosmic signals; I triggered no feelings in her... and thats just the most innocent way of putting it on both sides; it wasnt her fault... She innocently felt nothing for me...
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The mistake was made by me; I showed up at the wrong girls house; one might say; this was not the person God intended for me to meet. My targeting was off. My target practice was off. I found myself at the wrong address...
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Earlier today... This morning..
How is this going; Is she dissolving from my nervous system?
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Well; Ill explain;
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It hurts deeply; its truly anger and rage and hatred; torture; hurt... its bad enough; its sickening situation. morally its sickening... it was just someone that set me up; to see if they could get a way with it... Its totally immoral; its legal. And because its legal; I have to work with God to get over it and move on.
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As for right now; early this morning; Im separated within my mind from her. If I see her; I see her in a kind of cartoon rogue 2D 3D platformer game. Something between the games Hades and stardew Valley. I mean thats how I see her in my mind right now; as a cartoon game character...
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I see a large gap between where Im at and she is at; a divide has been created..
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Back to the present; 5:30 in the afternoon.
Im getting better; Im growing up.
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Its like; when in adolescence and right before that; I sunk into a vacuum that pulled into a subconscious state deep down inside me; It was like I had been knocked out at the hospital for the operation; and I stayed knocked for a long period in this life... More events would finally sink me permanently.
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Now Ive been awake for awhile and God is now allowing me to deal with what happened to me before I went to sleep or what made me go to sleep. Im now dealing with the trauma; God is allowing me work through it; separate from it; start to grow up again and leave it behind... and thats what happening with this girl situation. Im getting over what happened to in high school; Im starting to come back to myself again... This girl has been disappearing slowly. Now she is separated from me in my conscious mind...
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Its like a legal separation from God; Ive grown apart from her; The reason; she never felt anything for me. So; Im going in a different direction... Im saying Goodbye... It was an innocent mistake meeting her... And now Im correcting the situation and moving on. Hopefully move on to a place and direction God is sending me this time... Ill work with GOd on this and pray about it.
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Ive been slowly growing up since working on all this and Im becoming independent of all this. Im starting to grow up and past this; signs Im growing right by it; passing it up... ANd so Im getting myself back and Im getting stronger.
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NOTE: No one from my past! No one has helped me from my past to grow up again and start growing again... No one from the past; Its all GOd and Gods direction... I have had to learn how to follow some directions and dig in... So... Im seeing great results. It all hurts really bad; its like being ripped open and having to come through the wound from inside out.. And when Im birthed in the outside world completely; the wound and its circumstances closes up; Or starts to heal...
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Im starting to heal independently of all this now. Im starting to accept and grow upward... At some point; God will do more work on this and I will be even more separated from any information of this person.. And she will be gone...
And I will have grown upward and become myself again. Thats what happening and without anyone from the past; no one; Not needed... ANd that is one of the greatest things Ive ever said about this recovery.... I would never have thought this possible; any of it; its all a miracle. I have been desperate; so Ive followed some instructions by God.
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I cant wait to get my mind back... to come back to reality... At Least on this one subject. Say goodbye and move on...
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Im not done yet; not healed yet; so it will be awhile.
Our partner
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