July 2025
June 2025
Past all the blame; all the outside issues...
Past the Mother/father
Past the School system problems
Past the learning problems
Past The relationship problems
Past blaming anyone...
.
Sits;
.
THE MENTAL ILLNESS
.
ANXIETY DISORDER:
.
So; when really young; I had the anxiety disorder; but i could still make friends when 5 years old and I was still able to try in school when in 1st Grade...
.
However; by the time im in High School... The anxiety walls are so severe; I cant move; Cannot function in the school system and cannot be in relationships with anyone. My maturity level is that of a 6 year old. Im Non functional. ITs from abuses and predators getting in my space.
.
RELATIONSHIPS:
Im not the bravest person or the boldest person at all; Im sheepish and shy and want to avoid everything.
.
Im on state housing. If I did not get state help for my special needs; I would not function; Nothing.. I would not function anyway; The Severe anxiety walls are just one reason. Altho many symptoms are down from the mental problems; I still have the core problems. THe anxiety walls are bad enough; its like being inside a jail cell... I cant move in any direction... Its bad enough not to be able to work or have relationships; and thats just the anxiety problems; that doesnt include the rest...
.
Ive never had the guts to have a girlfriend in this condition; I couldnt for most of it; I was schizophrenic in nature from my symptoms; they left me in the same condition as a schizophrenic. I was not present at all. ANd many other problems.
.
Ive never had the guts to have to job to speak of or activities to show for myself that worked. I felt like I had no personal power coming to the table for a relationship...
I used many reasons I wouldnt get into a relationship with anyone; mainly money; I didnt have enough.
THe anxiety walls and mental illness is the main reason; I think; I just couldnt tell someone or present myself to someone with nothing; having nothing; I just was to bashful for that... I didnt have the guts for that...
.
If I couldn't tell someone I was the vice president of the bank and I was doing something with my life; I just wouldn't talk to anyone.
.
How would it be; I show up on my Bicycle as an adult man to pick her up for a date.?
.
Here's the deal; That's exactly what Im going to have to do; Im going to have to stop using anxiety walls and mental health issues as an excuse to get to know people and ask them out. I may have to ride up to her on a bicycle and ask her for a date..
.
Technically I can talk to people; Im very ashamed and bashful because of my life situation; However; I can still talk to them; I can still flirt and ask out! I can try...
.
ALtho its excruciating; I can still tell them I have no money; would they like to go out with me anyway! I can still ask!?
I just didn't have the guts for this.
.
So; THere is it; IVe used this as an excuse. The fact my family system threw me away and I felt worthless like a second class citizen. Ill have to stop using this as an excuse.
.
ALl of this is bit to much for me... its like right out on the edge of limb of that branch of that tree that sits over the gully; I mean; it feels really chance taking like! Im way out there on the limb over that edge way out on that old branch; I can here it breaking...
.
So there it is... Its going beyond that Anxiety wall and low self worth wall and low self esteem wall...
.
I told myself; I would never ask someone out if I had nothing; I wouldnt be caught dead... No money; no car; no housing.. State housing because I cant function; one main reason; anxiety walls; whos going to buy that; whos going to understand any of this.
.
And I used that as an excuse not to date anyone; Ill be shunned; called a lair and laughed at and spit on and dismissed. Ive never faced any of this...
.
So; thats the direction im going; Im over coming the stigma and the pride involved that keeps me from my happiness.
.
Its kind of interesting. At this point; the anxiety walls are not the only thing stopping me from asking women out. The pain and anger that is brought up being in this humiliating situation is a big problem. But I think; if I can overcome the humiliation I might have a chance... Ive been able to interact with women now; hug them; talk to them; let them hug me. Ive actually done allot of really good work in this area; lots of improvement. The problem has been; ITs not the right women Ive been associating with; they have proven not to be the right women for me to have relationships with...
Ill be fishing at another pond...
.
However, when it comes time to talk to people and actually interact with them; the walls and mental health problems are going to spring up 1000%... IVe been through this before.
.
So; I have my work cut out for me...
However; as I write this; Its the Facing of this stuff that seems the real terror and fear; Its almost like I go back to the age of 12 where I have to face my first date or something; asking someone to the dance kind of thing. Im not sure I ever did this ever. I was being destroyed at that age; so; I never felt normal... I was being abused... harassed. Anyway; Sexually abused and many other things... So;coming back to life in society is a very shaming horrifying experience for me... Im afraid Ill be hated in every direction and mis led and abused.
.
.
Again; The problem is presenting myself to others feeling good about myself even tho I feel like a loser on state help... like a low life! Ill have to face this.
.
Solutions;
.
1. Talk to God; prayer on my knees numerous times a day; with my face on the ground.
2. Meditation for all the quided meditation subjects Im interested in; Art, money , soulmate, manifestation...
3. creating pathways to want in my imagination
4. writing stories of what I want as if its already happened.
5. Doing things that make me feel good. A hi vibration is what I need and want; because I want to manifest when Im in that hi vibrational frequency... the higher the frequency; the higher the better signal I send to the universe; the better product I receive.
.
.
.
I have to learn to face Humiliation and work through it. And their it is; the unknown mountain I must climb.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], CliftonY, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Phase 10 #5; Anxiety disorder
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.212s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.77
Time : 3.212s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.77