July 2025
June 2025
THe very new beginning of the concept of Relationships...
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Maybe I can keep these blogs more to the point with less writing. I like to express where Im at; However, I write about specific changes to my recovery and how Im growing; occurring from the universe. I feel like I want to report in when an exciting change happens. These days; several changes happen within a day... It seems like Im writing a 400 page historical book about my adventures everytime I create a blog; and thats not always what I intend.
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So;
RELATIONSHIPS;
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First relationship
First relationship will be with Art creation. Ive been watching guided meditations for Artists.
Next; I watched a talk by an Artist; Youtube.
ITs got me thinking about having a full relationship with Art. THat means wearing closing that says; " Im an Artist". Stuff like that; I dress like an artist. I approach Art with commitment. That means watching Art guided meditations every morning and then sitting down and creating. IT means studying Art. Watching Art channels by other artists.. Getting into Art... Getting into the relationship with Art; getting emersed in it... In the different forms of Art Im interested in... I did this with drumming when I was young; I loved it. Thats whats missing; a relationship... Im now studying or curiously watching others; vids on youtube about the commitment to being an Artist...
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NOTE: I might want to have connective relationships with alot of things; However; most things are still in the fantasy world; they have not been pulled into reality yet.. Art and Music creation have been pulled into reality so with the Universe and my inner being guiding me; Ill start with Art creation.
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FIRST LOVE;
Im starting to realize; I never had a relationship with her...
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First; I was 2 irresponsible to have ever had any form of relationship with that person. Thus; nothing existed there...
The facts are; nothing did exist there; I never did anything; I never went further then showing up and talking; the talk was basic and shallow.
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I did try to develop something with her; I developed a safe place for me to go; to her house; I was actually developing security. I never developed anything with her; SHe and her home and family were that pillar of security... I dont think I needed to know her name; I just needed a place to go; I didnt care about anything else. When it came time to date her; I wouldn't; I didnt care; I reverted back in time as if i was a child visiting my friends in my hold neighborhood... I was 2 emotionally young for women. I just wanted to be a me again; a child.
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THe one thing I did not do. I did not start a relationship with her! If I had somehow been able to tell her what was going on inside of me and that I wanted to start a relationship with her; told her the truth about who I am and what was going on in my life; Who Knows; maybe she would have gone for it if I was interested in creating a relationship with her.
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NOTE; Whats really strange; its strange that I would get mad at her or hurt. Im mad she had no compassion. This told me I have to watch who I go out and try to have relationships with; I mean; this was a dangerous person who cost me a great deal... However, Im not sure legally she had to take any other stance on this one. I was basically a quite stranger around her... She got mean at the end and stuck up. Well; I never had a relationship with her; I never followed through. It was a strange situation. I liked her at first before I realized she was stuck up spoiled entitled and mean... I just walked away. Its a strange situation or was... something I could never let go of... Im doing better now...
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I guess everyone has to take a chance in a relationship; No one really knows what can happen... I have to work with God on this one.
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Im figuring out that I want to be proactive about a relationship with someone; creating one; starting one; working with them; getting into the relationship... Being a relationship guy...
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I can see how I will start with Art; Ill have a real developing commitment and sacrifice to the relationship to Art. THis includes many thing. Falling in love with Creativity.
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This guy I watched on youtube; 10 years to go from 0 followers to 5000 followers on Instagram... And I believe a quantum leap occured for him and suddenly things started taking up after this... He discusses how he now has a free commited relationship with Creativity...
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And Im interested in doing the same...
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Mental illness and relationships.
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Dissociative disorder; this does render me weak to have relationships; However, Im getting stronger out in the real world... Im healed up a bit and more present. So; its looking like I get another chance to do life again.. Ill take it...
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FEAR OF DEATH; For a long time I had a fear of death... I wasnt living...
Now; I have a real fear of death because my time is running out on planet earth... And Its weird to come back to life and heal enough to maybe be in relationships and get a life when its not going to last all that long... Im grateful... Its just weird; but I can take it all to God tho... and I will pray.
Our partner
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