July 2025
June 2025
A base level view of a bigger picture is emerging. And its a very good picture that is good for me. This picture may not be good for anyone else but its great for me. I can feel it and see it; but I cant do it yet; I dont have the maturity established.
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NOTE: To stay awake and represent myself to people; to see if they are interested; That is a real tuff thing for me. I can be rejected hardcore over n over; and I dont have the maturity or the strength for it. I never have. Ive never met anyone interested in me. I gave up when very young... I had literally had my insides ripped apart because I opened up to people simply because I wanted a friend. I was literally murdered by them; By different people who thought they were much better than me; superior in everyway. I guess Im not the first to go through this; Jesus Christ went through this everyday of his short life on planet earth; If they would kill someone Like Jesus; what would they do to me...
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Looking back; seeing myself as a child;
I saw myself on the sidewalks. I remember when very young being with my family walking down the city sidewalks after a family event. It was cold december I think.. We had gone skiing.. It had this realistic feel to it. Just me the cold the dark and sidewalks and my dreams; dreams of the future I wanted to work for.
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And Im starting to get that back. I got this picture and this feeling to go with it; it was of that night as a boy om side walks of that town...
If I could get back to that place of no one owing me anything. I would thus; work for what ever I wanted at ground level. Inside myself today; that would have a special feel for it; its called a feeling of motivation and interest. I could become a mathematician with that attitude and Im all ready feeling it. I can see it and feel it. And I know when I get their Ill be willing to do many things and try and work hard at many things; knowing no one owes me anything. Its all icing on the cake... Being brought back down to ground level because I know everything else was a lie. My life turned into a lie. Now; I have a chance to bring it back to a level of honesty. If was humbled and honest to ground level and didnt think anyone owed me. I would feel great knowing my life was in my and Gods hands and no one elses.
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How do I get back their? What would the goal look like? Well?; strip the past completely and come back to ground zero starting life with nothing but an ambitious heart; Right at sidewalk level on a cold night.
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FIRST LOVE:
ITs all ready pulling apart. My experiences with that person; Ive tried to get more honest about it; and Im finding myself pulling apart from those memories and experiences as I go down energy river. Memories of her are stuck on the shore up the river. My goal is to stop being attracted to them; they are like a drug for me... purposely put my focus down the river and start manifesting and becoming active again in my vibrational vocation; my interests that are located down the river.. Stop looking up stream; start dreaming down stream and let the universe bring it to me down stream; focus on that.
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So; Im preparing for a new life down stream...
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