July 2025
June 2025
After writing about the last of the aspects to deal with before I start the beginning of my new life; I looked at them; felt them; prayed a bit; continued to allow; feel. It is at the end of the exist interview... before I leave the organization called; " My last Life". I made my peace with it and aspects of what killed me and who.
.
I moved on....
.
The next goal... Im now in reality in the present; Now what.
.
I will define what it feels like. Im at the starting line; Now what. Ill assess my situation.
.
1. Anxiety disorder;
THe goal is to practice walking through it. Ill use imaginative steps in my imagination... Ill use visualization... Ill write stories about walking through the wall and making a list of what Im suppose to be heading toward outside the wall.
So; thats what I did all last night at a big fellowship birthday party... I write n wrote..
.
2. it has began. Start reaching out into the new world... And I did...
.
How did it go.
I was manipulated by 4 EVIL women. A few EVIL guys. and a said hi to and talking with a few regular guys...
.
I played the piano at the beginning of the big birthday meeting before it started. How did I do; well; I played lousily as before. I didn't know any songs; ( Put I did it) it sounded like I was trying impress people. So; some of the girls left because it sounded like I was trying to get praise and noticed by the people in the group; I did this because I didnt know any songs.. I finally settled down and played a few chords over n over n over and I got at least one favorable mention from somebody. I didnt please the others; they left... They didnt want it be in my show of attention. I guess my motives stuck out. I wanted to girls in the room to notice me; I was trying to impress them... It didnt work; they saw through it and walked out.. More importantly tho; something greater happened.
.
A girl Ive been ignoring for a long time; she is new; but; she is evil... manipulator. She called over to me to help her with something. I new it was a trap. She set me up the other day caught me off guard. And I helped her with something; but when I spoke out freely around her; she used a very quick put-down on me as if I didnt have the right to speak to her because she was 2 good; and I had to play the servant role. THat means she sees me less then what I am and she makes it clear she is superior and I dont have any chance with her.. so Im suppose to stay in my place as slave servant. What was really important is; I was willing to walk over to and face her and deal with her.. even tho I didnt have allot of personal power right now to deal with her up close... Thats where my anxiety rides.
.
So; concerning Piano;
How did I do? I was great; Why? Because I stepped out into the people of the meeting and I asked them before hand if I could play the piano while they were in the room. THat is me telling someone who I am and what I want right now... And; I took action; went to the piano and played it... I followed through. It wasnt very impressive; My piano playing told me nothing had changed. I still did not know how to play any songs and I wasnt very good. I havent really sat and just played for a long time... I was rusty...
.
Whats most important?. It has secretly began...
.
The girl in the meetings that wanted to manipulate me; that means shes superior and she is setting me up and throwing me bread crumbs to be by her because is the one with the power because she is cute and can attract the men she wants; Im not one of them; Im at servant class... She called me over.
And at that moment before she manipulated me and tried to dominate the conversation and shut me down; Right before this; I realized when she called me over to help her put the sugar into the jar at the coffee table; I realized; if I get up and help her; and walk over to her; ( It is the beginning movements of my new life).
.
She called my name; I went to her; I walked over to her... Thus; its the beginning of my new life. Playing the piano at that moment before the meeting.. Asking those people if I could play; that was the beginning of negotiating; opening into the beginning of this new life.
.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What was it like; what did I learn.
.
1. Many of these were evil people. Leave them alone; I cant save them; they are not in trouble. They are evil. They never said they wanted to change; so dont change them; Dont go near them if possible unless first going into another room and praying on my face and knees to my higher power. And I learn to ask the universe GOd to protect me before I enter a room full of evil...
.
The way I deal with those who think they are superior to me and I have to still deal with them; I leave the room go pray in another room for protection and instruction and to have God come forth through me as I speak during my turn. I work with God...
.
THe goal of evil is to control and hate the good; to destroy it; put it down. THey want to smash good because good sees through them. THus they want to put me into slave category of no more worth. They think they are superior and Ive of no real worth or value. Many of them... Many of these people if not all of them are all much younger then me. Many of the women are way way way younger then me. Im twice as old or allot more.. So..... Im not attractive personality. BUt its much more then age.. ITs more of a competitive nature... At times Im being sized up in the wolf pack or they consider themselves at a superior level in the wolf pack. By getting close up them; they are putting me in my place so they can take a higher position... I go along with all of this stupidness. Ive got other things on my mind; But one still needs to be careful around these people. THey are evil.. and they are immoral and do not play by any ethical rules; they think they are Gods on earth; so.....
.
These are not the kind of people for me to practice on for general development; they are dangerous and will put me down if they can get the chance; and they cheat... They are generally safe; but not safe... one has to be present...
.
HEres the point. GOd uses me where Im at to learn. Sometimes Im humiliated on the outside but Im learning on the inside. its always covert for me... Non of the evil knows what Im doing or cares; even if I tell them; they dont care because Im not popular... Im an outsider in many ways... for all reasons... THey are of the in crowd and Im inferior and should act like it around royalty such as themselves.
.
I do not rock the boat; I do not start playing Father figure with evil; with evil people; I allow them to a certain extent; to walk on me; to allow them to believe they are superior and i just walk away and go sit down and work on my own private stuff. That is the price I pay for my covert spiritual position.
ITs attraction not promotion...
.
I have to watch it; these types gain power by manipulating others who they think are inferior to them; it gives them power... Makes them feel giddy with power and control proving they are Gods and superior.
.
Im not ready or interested in taking anything away from them or getting pulled into their click social group to play any role to help them. Im not out to help them. Im out to help myself and do what my God commands me to do; to take advantage of my situation based on his will. And I am. It can be a lonely venture.
Im slowly making my way back into organized life.
.
Regardless of how many times it looked like others put me down or tried to manipulate me to get me close enough to them to put me down; at a deeper level; I was able to use the rooms to authentically began. To began; I take chances; I reached out; I participated up close with others; with women. And with a piano... and I reached out at the beginning to tell people what I wanted; I got vulnerable and I ask them permission to play in front of them. This is very bold and in correct thinking. Im asking for what I want right up front.
.
Piano; However; the piano playing was less the abnorable. It took a minute for me to get right sized and realize; again; I know nothing; I dont know how to play; I dont know how to play anything because I have not taken any responsibility for my piano playing in front of others in this present life; nothing has changed yet. My con job wasnt working. I ended up playing a few basic chords over n over. And I was not comfortable. And thats the way it looks. A number of girls just got up and walked out; and other people. They knew I was just trying to serenade them. Thats what it appeared like; I was trying get acceptance from them. Actually I was trying to do something much more serious and important. I knew I was starting the beginning of my new life... No one else need to know or know what that means; God and I know what that means.
.
What does it mean to start a new life; It means the old is gone; That means anyone I loved from the past; its a sure sign it is over and Ill never see them again; it hurts and Ive been hurting all week long; Ive been in morning and pain all month long. And that is the true nature of where Im at. The grief of starting over.
.
.
In the recovery process; Im usually at a deeper covert level; dealing with many deep issue while in front of others. I dont understand that... and that is exactly why Im with them; God put me with them because they would not understand that; thus they never reach down far enough into that deep well and bug me. Im left alone in my deeper solitude.. Playing stupid has its advantages.
.
SO IT HAS BEGAN!
.
My energy and focus are now moving outward... slowly.... Im still not very good at it. Im being snared and manipulated. And thus Ill talk to God about it and see what God will do about that. What Im supposed to do about that.
.
THe evil popular clicky people; Im learning from them. THey have their place within my realm. They represent the people that hurt me from before; the evil that betrayed me when young; so; Im getting a good look at the same kind of people. And they are pulling the same kinds of things on me but at micro levels... I get to learn close up; what happened to me when young...
.
How I deal with evil people is to pray first before I enter a room of them... I pray for Gods protection.
God has me at these meetings because they occur everyday and are free; its free therapy at this point; and lots of benefits; but the price to belong has its steep learning curve. A nice guy like me is put in my place many times... if I cant back myself up; Im put down at a lower rank in the wolf pack. So; I deal with that... And I get tested; The thing is; I dont care. So I allow many of them to think Im a weakling at the low end of the wolf pack... I dont fight back... Instead I just go sit down and make it through the 1hour meetings... and then leave.
Many times I ride a bike or get a ride to the meeting...
.
NOTE: Evil is Evil and doesnt care about me; Im of no attraction to Evil; They see no value in me.. THey see a weak person of no social value...
.
The meetings are important; they are social life blood.. being in the middle of groups is socially safer... I have to be a bit covert tho because Im dealing at a much deeper level with more serious issues... Their is safety in numbers and this is where GOd put me to develop myself in my present state. It works; its hard. Im not alone... Im working on basic developmental issues; trauma disorders. Developmental trauma disorders.. Dissociation AVPD.. and many other things. Its a bit ruff and dangerous... But IVe been at this for a long time.
.
.
So; What is the goal now;
.
ANXIETY WALL;
Creating new stories for my life beyond the present anxiety walls.. This is not easy; Im not used to trusting GOd beyond these anxiety walls... Ill have to work at it; its new to me... Its like starting over in my life...
.
.
.
I realized; in my past life I was picking people for a place to feel safe and rest when they were not safe.
I learned a horrible lesson. I found a safe place but it was owned by sharks and soon I was eaten alive. I let my boundaries down and got destroyed... This was a hard lesson.
.
Ive got to put GOd first; and work strictly with God down GOds pathways and no other distractions; Down only Gods pathways to practice a new life... God directing me; no other. And thats not easy right now. I have a whole life to learn how to develop.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: AdsBot [Google], Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Majestic-12 [Bot], verdigri, Wally58, Yahoo [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.206s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.48
Time : 3.206s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.48