July 2025
June 2025
Im slowly progressing.
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Seeing signs of independence... Im working at it really hard; and thus; in my imagination; Im seeing signs of what my spiritual work can get me; a new independence. SLowly moving toward it; with development in my imagination and the present and the past slowly losing any grip...
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FIRST LOVE; This is losing grip...shes not that important anymore. Remembering the basement of my original house I lived in as a kid; Im getting much more inline with that these days then remembering this person from the past. So; a shift is occurring. More more; I question and counter every memory I see of her; and have the universe help me back away from it; With time; Ill never see that person again with anything but fear and loathing an a healthy concern to protect myself. And Ill never see that person again as she slowly fades away from my conscious mind; from my conscious interest. Ill never see her again. And that feels good!
When one finds out it was a snake in human clothing. When the truth finally indicates the facts that a cage existed and she came from the cage; footage of proof can disclose it. Facts the person was not a friend of mine. Facts that I meant nothing to the person; THus; I meant nothing when I met them; facts that indicate that person had that type of personality before I met them.. Facts they were not out to help me; to help develop me. Facts they had no interest in me and so forth.. When facts are put on the table; it means only one thing; Snake in human clothing. The other proof is; they will stay that way the remaining of their lives; THey are immoral unethical people by choice.. meaning; They were not broken people in trouble. THey choose to live evil. Im sorry if they were brought up that way; but it doesn't bother them; proof of psychopathy adds to the case.
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So; it happens; a case of fraud. The faster I work to create a foundation and life in the present; the more at this point; Ill live in the present.
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I have a ruptured mind and nervous system; so; Im paranoid and a bit psychotic and dissociated from reality still. So; this will take time.
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IVe noticed several gaps between where Im at and what I want in life; Ill be working on those gaps; creating walk aways over those gaps..
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Its like black poison coming from my body while Im out off the shore wading in a blue ocean. I can see the dark poison from my body; I can see it in the water; it just floats away with the current. I become cleansed simply by being in the water... Thats the recovery work Im doing.
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Im like a big kid or a teenager that is getting his life back. I have very little resentments left that control me. I am that older kid and adolescent and teenager ready. Im getting ready; ready to step out and take some responsibility for my new steps I take outside... Im readying myself to learn how to overcome the fear from the abuse of others and learn to step past it and take independent steps for the first time; outside for the first time. Im like a teenager ready to go outside and experiment with living again. Im getting close. Ive been practicing and strengthening my independent walk
My First Love; She still has control of my mind. Her control is much weaker; but she still has control. And I continue to work on it. For what used to baffle me on how to handle this situation; GOd Universe is helping me with new information that will and can help me. The trust sets me free.
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Give it several months; Ill see where Im at. I have to see my First love as No Love; As Nobody; as nothing! Because thats all that was really their. I was being picked on; tricked or fooled; bullied;
didnt even know it; Nothing; thats what was there. Nothing.
So; I slowly get strong enough through recovery process to come back to life; get a life; have a life; get my abilities for independence and independent thought back. Start working on those areas I was hoping she would fill. Start filling them myself; learning how to do things on my own... Working with a higher power... I still have support.
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Keep taking steps; keep learning how to take steps on my own. keep working at it...
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Keep up the plan to walk steps in my imagination to my destinations; visualizing them; writing stories about them; drawing them on paper...
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I mentioned I think in another blog; Im just starting to create an adult version of my life; creating it on drawing paper. A wife; a house; a car; Family; Money; vocation hobbies; talents; Im creating it on paper; its my vision for my future.
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Problems;
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1. Family; This is by far the scariest hurting thing to put on paper; to draw... it hurts; at the deepest level it scares me; I dont trust it... Its hard; Ill pray about it. safety please GOd.
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2. Wife; My God; with the vicious people Ive met so far; I honestly dont know what to think about this. Ill pray about it. For me to believe someone else is out there; someone worth even looking at... Someone that is safe? Ill pray about it...
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3. Car; Man; when I didnt have money; having a car was torture... couldnt take care of it; drove me crazy. Ill pray about it... I car would have its uses for me. I guess; Ill keep praying about. The idea for car is much like winning the lottery; I need to win the car lotary; all the money that is needed for transportation and a car... So; ill work with God on it... its a worthy goal to manifest... I have to believe ...
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So; those are some areas of concern...
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Money is an area of concern but I kind of didn't expect anything less then it being a challenge for me. SO; I have changes to make so i believe again. Ill continue to work on it.
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