July 2025
June 2025
2 main issues left concerning First Love;
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1. She ended up with someone else; or she later chose someone else... Not me; for ever!
2. The feelings I felt for her have to be transferred to someone else.
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If I can work through these last to issues; I might be ready to confront GOd on getting to the next level.
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These 2 issues are heartbreaking...
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The first Issue is heartbreaking; it does hurt. I mean; My feelings cant stay in Freeze mode; they have to move on. Ive done enough work for them to have a choice. And feelings do have a choice; its still horrible; all of this... Its hard thinking of my first love with someone else. It gives that creepy feeling of; What happened here? Life was not suppose to turn out like this... So.. Ill start creating pathways diverging her and moving that pathway away from her and toward someone new...
Grieving still has to be done; it hurts; Am I just suppose to forget about her as if I never met her? its just so sickening.. And its sickening dealing with scum opportunities like this with no depth, no conscious and no morals...
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NOTE; Was she a real First Love; or did I need her to be a first love. I say this because she isnt or didnt measure up to being any kind of anything... Nothing... Ill pray about this. Something is wrong with giving this person any kind of positive assessment in my life... Something is wrong! something is off... Something is way off.. It seems almost delusional. Its like picking a stranger and then talking to them as if they are a close brother; when they are just a stranger; Something is schizophrenia.
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My anger feelings from the family system were never supposed to go in this direction in the first place. I was never suppose to meet this person in the first place; this all has to do with the anger from abuse from my younger life; some how this ended up transferring me directional heywire; ending up at the wrong peoples homes...
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My emotions got cut off dealing with this person because they got involved as if I was going to be with someone who wanted to help me and be with me and help me grow... Instead; all my feelings got pulled in; and then NOTHING; IT was a fraud... I got suckered... My feelings never went any further... I dont like the idea I got suckered. I guess no one does... Got to be more careful next time.
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ENTITLEMENT: It seems I thought this person was suppose to take care of me; Like my mother or like a mother.. I just thought so. It was like I was a 4 year old and she would play that role of taking care of me. What I didnt know; she was not obliged to take care of anyone. She was a stranger who possibly saw the opportunity to take advantage of me since I thought she would naturally follow the laws I was under. Meaning She would naturally get inline with me... Did that happen; This person was a complete stranger; I thought she was going to take care of me. Like I go from one mom to the next; but thats not what happened.. She did not; And thats what causes so much pain; its like being dissed by my mother all over again; thrown away all over again.
Im coming to grips with the reality; that asking a stranger who doesnt know me to take care of me like a mother when I didnt even tell her what was going on; to expect a stranger to do something and a stranger to take care of me like a mother; a complete stranger with out telling them anything... I just wanted to feel safe. I wasnt safe; how could I be safe... And that is the kind of information that is helping dislodge from this person... The actual person felt nothing for me; knew nothing about me; never suggested they were going to take care of me... NO; they did not! So.... It didnt work to camp on their door step and expect something from them. This didnt work; I simply got asked to leave or kicked off for good. I have to grow up and wake up.
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Today; I have new goals...
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2. Transferring those feelings I had for her; moving them on; working with God to direct them to new areas; new people; new life. New life blood...
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A PLAN FOR THE FUTURE:
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I plan is to focus on and create visions of adulthood; House; car; wife; family; vacations; vocations; money... Hobbies; Callings; Talents.
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The idea is vision. Start writing maps; drawing maps of all the new things I want; Ill be in the middle; the map will reach outward. Hopefully I can make a complete map of an adult life; Like a little city... Im in the middle with pathways extending out...
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WOrking with GOd;
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Ill create Pathways from where Im at right now to the new areas of my interests. Ill strengthen these pathways until they are so strong the frequency will be high enough and Ill believe enough that things will start showing up; the universe will unbaffle how all of this is possible.
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NOTE: Im looking back at childhood; I had no friends; the people I was associating with; non of those people liked me; they were put off by me showing up at their homes; their kids did not like me nor did they appreciate me being at their homes. They thought they were better me; much much better; they felt they were untouchable superior... and believed it; I never knew... I knew nothing about it. I mean.
The kids on the south side were OKe...
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IVe been like a 6 year old in trauma.. My focus has been the trauma Ive experienced. The pain.
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The problem has been; Ive been helpless. Not being able to take care of myself or think beyond a grade school level.
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Im just now starting to go beyond it; forcibly. Im forcing the issue.
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I have allot of developmental trauma in the adolescence stage and before and after; no one looking after me; nothing; Im completely alone.
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THats been the problem; from childhood; thrown away and completely alone. I have to look back at that; ask God to start me at that place or places or ages I was thrown away; go back into it and start branching off into new created developed areas with God; lots of new pathways from that point.
I can feel the anger and pain; its not good; I want to lash out... I have to go all the way back.
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When I was in second grade; I had no idea I was slowly being thrown away every year... Had no idea this was going on.
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Now; the plan is to start very young in my imagination; Take the universe in there; start creating new pathways through my young years; creating a better life and situation for me. A protected life. And to work with God to get rid of the memories of those before when I was young; they were not my friends... They did not help me develop nor care... I was only at their homes because I thought they were my friends; they were not; GOd didnt want me there; I dont want to remember being there... it was a mistake...
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Ive been alone all my life; and hopefully God can send me in the right directions again from the beginning...
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Non of the people I wanted to associate with liked me it seems or wanted me around. And Ive got to start over as if Im starting over never meeting those people right from the start.
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Weight loss;
Im not losing any weight; just gaining weight when I eat. My stomach looks Iike ive been drinking for 40 years... I mean; its big enough to put a case a beer on it; rest on it; What happened. Ive got allot of work to do in this arena.
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