July 2025
June 2025
Im realizing; from the abuse and neglect and being discarded; thrown away especially from my mother from the first second I remember; From sexual abuse; from being rejected a million times by my parents and dejected and thrown away; After awhile I went silent; I could not express myself. And I could not express my feelings anymore...
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With my mother being a psychopath and being up close at times listening to that monsters; the way they murder with words; it shut me completely down over running me with trauma... especially the last time as a teenager.. I could not long communicate anymore... Father similar problems; but of a different nature. I was still thrown away when very young or given away.
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FIRST LOVE;
Suddenly I realize; The First Girl I loved; Did try to communicate with me. She tried to get me to open up and communicate; tell her how I felt; make a pass at her.. tell her I liked her or wanted her or wanted her as a girlfriend... She tried and tried..
So; regardless of the later outcome; she tried and I could not express myself to her; I shut down; but whats most important; I think she tried about 15 times... And she allowed me to keep coming back and coming back.
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Why is this important.
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This inability to express myself to women; This has more to do with my mother and father and sexual abuse; being shut down.
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Now; All I have to do is practice... Im not sure how Im going to practice this aspect of personal development...
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I will pray about it. Im ready for this...
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And suddenly I dont feel like blaming half the people I Was blaming before; Because they could not know or do anything about the problem.
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Today; Im well enough to start practicing this aspect of things; to learn how to open my feelings again; but they are completely shut down dealing with women. Showing my feelings. I mean; Ive had them shut down 10000000 times... So; to open them up will take a lot of relearning.
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