August 2025
July 2025
Other changes are occurring…
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Ive been at meetings and various things are happening; Im able to be my real self without anyone really knowing who I am. Ive been able to be several identities when know one has ever known who I really am; and its been completely worth it. Ive been able to come full circle and become myself again as I am.. and in front of many others.. true self in front of others… no matter who they are… perilous men and beautiful women… And Ive completed myself. Ive been able to start out as one person and come back to my original self while others saw and watched. I was able to believe others were actually on my side. I was able to believe I was accepted by others. In reality; I may have actually been completely alone and never knew it. But its to late; I made it through. Im myself again. And in front of several others; no secrets…
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Ive been around parilious ruthless people who have not given a rip who I am. And for the most part; they think Im one of them; Ive fit in completely; or they have thought me a other personalities of several kinds and non of them are true… And Ive made it completely to the other side. Ive been able to speak about who I really am.
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Im back being me again. Ive some how been able to be myself around others even tho they think me as nothing or a bum or scumbag or crazy or many other things… But non of them are actually completely true. Meaning; Ive been able to work out my problems in front of people that didn’t really matter to society. So; it never really mattered what these people ever thought of me… No one cares what most of them think; and never will. Its like I become what ever I wanted to or needed to be around others in an underground world and was able to act out everything I needed to in order to come all the way back to myself in front of others… and in this process; they never knew who I was in the first place.
And I so in silence and secret quietly I walked away.
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Tonight I was scorned and treated like a fool; but those doing so have no idea who I am. It was almost like the person they thought I am or was; was a kind of created persona on my part; They have no history of my original self. The person I was becoming in front of them; they have no idea who or what that person is. That person is actually parts of the real me; but the real me is hidden until I come back home; a lot of created identities… and it worked… I was able to come back to myself.
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Im not done yet; but Im so close now. The goal is to come back to reality in the outside world; and Ive done enough internal work for this to happen. That was the hidden goal; to connect to society again. And it looks like its going to happen. Its already happening.
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In those places I was receiving my recovery; some think Im a scumbag or loser; and they always will and no one cares because they don’t know me.. not a clue; The person they were dealing with doesn’t exist. The person they were dealing with is an adjusted idea within their imaginations created by me. I never told them my real history to know anything about me. By judging me brutally as a loser; This means they have no idea who I am; Perfect.. thats exactly what I needed to get better. Perfect. Pure anonymity.
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Ive worked through enough to come back out into society and start again.
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However; I still need more work; Im warped. Where I get this next level of help I do not know. They have all served their purpose; all things are under God.
I was trying to get myself back from when I was a child and I may have succeeded.
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although Im feeling myself somewhat; Im still not completely connected to society; Im not strong enough yet.
Im still not completely connected to society. Im still somewhere between my apartment and the 12 step groups. Im still not completely out into society completely free and able to enter society smoothly. However; Im basically myself again… Ive been able to literally become myself in front of others confessing who I am and who Im not almost completely; I think Ive told everything about myself; who I am and who I am not in front of others completely. Im able to tell my secrets; my lies; what Im bashful about; everything. Who I am; who I lied about; who I wished I could be; and who I actually am; all in front of other people. I have nothing to hide; everything knows everything Im around. I don’t have any intimate secrets and Ive been able to withstand the judgments of others who think Im a loser or a freak.
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Im still not home free. Im still several feet off connection with all of society. Im still lost a bit.. But not much..
I need more confidence and Ill work for that and toward that…
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