July 2025
June 2025
Number of changes occurring:
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RELATIONSHIPS; LETS TALK;
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New information; The closest information; and an added side bonus….
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After being at another meeting bringing up relationships and praying; suddenly the universe expands to me the problem and a solution.
1. Im no good at relationships… Thats the problem…
2. I was practicing all my life with all relationships in my younger life…
3. All my attempts a relationships were dysfunctional; not just one… .
4. I failed miserably at all attempts at relationships.
5. I was no further then a 6th grader if that; probably not; 5th grader; Right before Adolescence age;
Before that; I was so shy; I never did anything… I stayed to myself..
6. Adolescence stage undeveloped; destroyed; injured.
7. No good at it…
8. 5-7 year old maturity level; to young in maturity to do well with anyone; to shy and undeveloped to do well with anyone. And dysfunctional and dissociated; fragmented…
God has made it clear; Ive been so dysfunctional all my life with relationships; that I would not call them relationships; Id call them attempts… and I failed all the time; that's all I did; I came up far short of having any functional ability with anyone or anything.. I literally was alone or would be alone. What end up dropping out or end up alone.
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NOTE: I would never give myself credit for trying.
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9. I was around the wrong people; I never looked for the right people who could value me.
God has made it clear; Non of this ever stopped me before But thats because I knew I was no good at relationship; So I never cared about the outcome; I would just go try and see what happened. And thats what Ill do again.
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I will not take my abilities to create relationships seriously ; they are dysfunctional; boat ramps; its so bad; it wont even stop me. Why should it stop me… I have no guarantees
The whole complete past of my life was bad when it comes to relationships; why should I let it bother me; I just sit here laughing and Im going to do it again… .
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After praying; Sunny Jesus said to me. I messed up the lives of every person I ever got involved with simply because I was dysfunctional; “So; why should that stop you”; said Jesus. And then Jesus said; “ GO back out there and find some more of them to hook up; Maybe youll get lucky! GO find out; give it try. Dont worry about yester-year it was all bad from the start; so who cares… “ Go out and find some more women to practice with… You never know? Give it a try; don’t give up; Your great..
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Im dysfunctional when It comes to relationships; my boat doesn’t even sink because its upside down in the water; thats how dysfunctional it is. when I start out… its so bad; I don’t even take it seriously. Ill just start over and go out and find another women who wants to have a relationship and practice on her! LOL! As Jesus said; Maybe Ill get Lucky; SMILE!
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Am I making my point; I was 2 messed up in the first place; been messed up all my life; So; Who cares… just go out and find another women and keep practicing; Take God with me… Be nice! And and try again with a smile… And as Jesus said; Maybe Ill get Lucky!
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The Bonus; First; Recovery meetings/the 12 steps with a sponsor… This virtually means I can find a meeting anywhere in my country in any town and Im never alone… ever! If I don’t want to be…
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The extra added Bonus; Because of my relationship with a higher power. My Higher comes to earth in the form of noticeable spirit. God is with me at ground level. God is taking me on a journal through the Adolescent Self Esteem Pathway… God is the instructor who is looking after me guiding me and helping me NOW; in real time; And I have many techniques the universe has shown me on how to apply practice and development to this pathway of learning. This process is for relationship building and develop; However from this angle; it suggests the problems are mine; Because of trauma I never grew up or had a chance for developmental development; instead; developmental trauma disorder. And Thus; God is doing something about it. God has sent me to? “ GOD” for help; to instruct me Down a God Pathway of learning. Ill be going down a pathway focusing on many simple slow small scale learning adventures; many made for the kid in me actually thim period after that. Ill slowly grow and take chances down this Self Esteem building Pathway… This focuses on Pre relationship development; What that means; its Adolescence period development. God will be developing the Adolescence period in me that never got developed. This will take time and it will be uncomfortable. I dissociate most of the time in this development level; So I have allot of work to do here. Ill be climbing from one ramp walked to a little bit more challenging ramp in each stage of this developmental pathway; program set up by God… This is all super great. Its to develop my self esteem and that develops my confidence.
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NOTE: Ive given almost all women from the past I attempted to have relationships; I give them a free get out of jail card; a free pass… Im not blaming anyone for my ability to interact correctly to procure a relationship with someone. I never got past my dysfunctional dissociated behavior and neither was any women able to ever really get started with me in any form of a relationship because of that behavior. I was like a 6 year old trying to have a relationship with an adult at their level; Impossible; it all fell apart rather quickly before anything ever got started… Women were mainly clueless on what to do with me; They finally gave up. I had would drop out sooner or later…
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NOTE: I would go to these women hoping they would help me; want to develop me; we would develop each other; the problem with this; they were never from God or under Gods direction or Kingdom. Thus; they had no guiding light or conscious telling them to help me. They had no spirit within them as a helper!
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NOTE: Now; under the care of God; I go through God for girlfriends. I tell God first; and God will sift through who is safe for me and under Gods light… And God will bring them to me. I will be more ready for them as I work down this Self Esteem journey God has set upon me… That developmental journey will come first… And all under Gods care and will.
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NOTE; The Horse comes first; then the Cart; Not the other way around.
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NOTE; In my youth I wanted women( girlfriends) to help develop me. No one could or knew how or wanted to… No one cared; Thats because they are not God. God cares about me the parents care about me; God is their for me 100% on all areas; the ultimate Helper… God did not send someone to help me this time; GOD CAME TO ME HIMSELF. So; I get the Father of the universe with me RIGHT NOW! So; its all good; Ive already started on this trail of discovery for the adolesence period with me that was marred mangled split apart murdered and undeveloped.
The goal of the Adolescent Self Esteem God Pathway? To help me grow up literally; So Im ready to be Husband material; So Im much more prepared for adult life; that I can move forward.
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God continues to reveal new information on a daily basis for my well being and continued expanding development. Hurrah for me; Couldn't be any better. This is the extra added Bonus I earned that many do not have in this life. I have support… I have a God Pathway prepared by God Universe Holy spirit Jesus and Angels all for my development benefit… God has my back….
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Problems in 12 step groups;
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Ive had to be passive on purpose; many wierdo’s allowed to think they are walking over me. Did this on purpose; allowed me to get out personal stuff over n over n over through the years; the problem is; sociopaths and others scumbags thinking Im a weakling that can be walked over. They don’t know any difference; I would go along with it; smile; act like they were in. I did this on purpose to be able to stick around; And it worked; I spent years this way…
I made friends with all the wrong people on purpose. I did this to go along; and it worked; the idiots that bought into this; sap antisocial personality disorders actually believed it… thought they were making friends with me. Of-course they weren’t.
THE PROBLEM;
Im getting better and no longer interested in playing this acting role. Its a position where others think they have some kind of position of importance with me or over me; When in reality; these degenerates have no position with anyone. This is how I worked around these people( in some meetings) to say and express what ever I wanted to as if I was in therapy. It worked but theirs a huge cost.
Now; I don’t want anything to do with these scumbags… But that wont work. At meetings; sometimes they are present and thinking we are friends. Certainly its not 2 many people; only a few well known Fools of the trade… Im not the only one who complains about them.. most people I know complain about them at some point.
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Now; I don’t want them around at all or talking to me ever again; I want them away from me.
What happens if I stand up for myself; CANT. I mean; I can; it starts a fight. Im not interested in them or jails. They are actually dangerous because they are so arrogant and stupid and spoiled; unpredictable.
Its the stupid people that get me into jail; not the dangerous ones.
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So; here I am stuck. Ill pray about it…
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Im not done yet with my meetings. Im heading upward; I still need to go and want to go to meetings; I get allot of insights from others when they speak. …
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NEXT:
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First Love;
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SO much to stay.
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SOLUTIONS: One solution at this point is; Unravel everything I can think of for the first 2 months knowing her ; unravel it and point out the flaws on paper; meaning; she was playing me the whole time; it was all fake; I was not being taken seriously.
Why am I pulling out every strand of her behavior I remember? Its to expose the “ CON” She was a liar. This whole thing was faked; all of it. And ill pull out ever single detail of it if I can under God; all of it; Until its all exposed. All of it and I can walk away from it…
As long as I go along with the lie; Im still hooked. The problem is; theirs a lonely part of me that is hooked; And thats what I have to look at; that were the hooks sunk in. I never saw it…
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I spent my time around a con artist and was easily conned; now I have to work with God to go back in and look at where I was conned and un con it.. one strand at a time. I did this to myself by allowing my precious self to be around a con artist and this is what happened. So; I have to undo myself from this; get them out of me… un hook; stand back; watch them leave; their con; their lie; stay to myself. Learning to stay alone from that; learn to work with God as alone; and work with God and go from there…
I thought I was somebody by meeting this person; Like I was moving up the social ladder and by getting her attention; I was making my way into a new family. But isnt this Biblical? The evil seduce the poor with food… and then murder them; is that not what happened to me here. They saw the innocent weakness… and set me up. Its that simple.
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I also made the mistake of thinking they were sad and bro ken to; but that was not sadness I was looking at; it was a player with no conscious. They were just setting up innocent people.
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First Love; ( as I get better); so many different views of this situation.
One of the main views; This person is a scumbag degenerate. For some reason I never called it what it was. A real scumbag. As I get better; I have little to know interest in this monster or idiot. And As I get better
I was desperate at that time for a place to escape.. And this is making more sense… I was desperate and spending my time around degenerates to take care of me because their was no one else that cared about me and no other place to go.
In my delusion; I tried to make these weirdo's into lost broken people; They were not! They were simply low lifes… Thats why I was having such problems with them.
In some cases; I thought I could fix them; maybe they were lacking love or something; Love was not the problem; they had no problems. The problem was; I was associating with them… And I mean; That was the problem. Will I learn my lesson?
I asked myself question; Why didn’t these people “get me” “ understand me” “ value me”? They did not value me because they valued nothing and they would never venture outward to value anything. I was so far above these people; it would take a rope ladder dropped 2 miles into a canyon to find any decency in these people; … They were degenerates.
In my delusion; I never saw it at first. Unfortunately I would find out soon enough after several months or even years of being around them.
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FIRST LOVE:
where am I at now with this past history;
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NOTE: God told me I had to completely move on from this person completely; all history gone; no feelings; Nothing; no interest; if I wanted to start over again as My real self; my authentic self… And so; for several years Ive been working on this problem; And Ive almost got a grip on it…
Im at the point that; this person had no value for me. I meant nothing to them. Their’s a good chance this person never liked me ever; regardless of the few times I visited her in my very young youth. I don’t think she needed me; she certainly wasnt in trouble. She did not have the sensitivity I thought she did; she had nothing. I think she was like several people Ive met; they are complete losers who use people; they have no depths; no heart no soul; extremely shallow and very little conscious about using people. I believe they end up around other scumbags like themselves. They live out their private personal lives; Im certainly not invited.
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The point is; their was nothing for me; nothing their to start with. My only reason for associating was desperation and being completely lost; nothing more. Im a deep person; spiritual; intellectual; I have a deep conscious about humanity and life. Im very sensitive.
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I did not understand that when I meet certain people that appear broken and mentally ill from trauma; they are not sick; they create trauma in others; they are just filth criminal minded; nothing more. They have no conscious. They have no problems; and they have no interest in me…..
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In states of desperation; I spent my time around the wrong people; who I had no possibility of having relationships with; They considered them selves the cream of the crop and me not worthy of standing on the dirt a crop is planted in.
They were way to crummy a people. But I never seemed to get it. Im of no value and Im being used.
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Ive almost worked through FIRST LOVE… Almost…
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Starting over and how it feels to be present with absolutely no past; instead; just the ability to look out my eyes at the present freely; How does this feel; This brings on such horrible anxiety; I have no place to escape. Im realizing; Living in the past was like a using a drug or being on pain killers constantly; it bring about relief… Living in the past for me brought about relief; living in it. Immersed in it.
Now; No such thing; at moments I have no past; and I feel this horrible feeling of being nobody and Im at no level of value in society; Im not even in the apple tree; Im not at the lowest level of the apple tree or the highest; I just standing on both feet underneath it. Im not even in the same reality as the other apples in the apple tree.
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As I wake up and Im present now; without past thought of First Love; and many others; I do find Ill have to practice being present. I see the benefit of a clear mind; but my God I feel so “ less then” SO “ average; nobody of importance; because Im not thinking of thoughts where I need to be somebody or justified. Im not trying to justify what happened to me in the past as a victim; Im just in the present.
The anxiety; I think it will go down as I practice just being; looking forward strait in front of me; letting myself feel. Getting used to it…
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So; The goal is to just feel being me present; deal with the strange feeling of being no one; and of the anxiety of no past to run to for constant relief.
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THE BENEFITS;
What are the benefits of being present;
1. The ability to have relationships is 10 time enhanced. I can see myself taking interest in people again.
In the past I was only interested in what I lost from the past. Thats where my energy flowed to; back inside myself and to those places in the way deep past in my mind. I had a kind of contempt arrogance because nothing in reality was as good as my past; living in my past.
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GOD SHUTS IT ALL DOWN ( The Past) AND TELLS ME TO COME FORWARD… assuming Ive worked thoroughly through the past. And when this has happened under Gods care; Then……..
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So; With God in charge; God is teaching me how to come forward… Why? Because; when Im not living in the past; the present is all I got; And those natural desires in the present; Im willing to go after them and appreciate them.
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When Im living in the past; all I care about is getting back to the past; getting those people and places and things back from the past; and Ill wait around for them to show up or for it to happen. So; thats all I care about; its a kind of morbid horrible place to be… no future in it.
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Now; when Im in the present; I might want to date someone; suddenly Ive got all this interest and energy to fight to have them; or have them in my life. And this is what Im working on improving; this is what God wants me to improve; to be in the present so I will take value of whats in the present and go after it and make the most of it; and stop living in the past.
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THE PAST IS GOING:
The past includes mainly; this girl from my young; “ FIRST LOVE” Who; with research and more uncovering of the truth; This person may have never liked me or had any desire to know me or even want me around; In addition; may have been such a scumbag; no way for any kind of future with this degenerate.
I was so delusional I never saw the obvious at the desperate times I was around her; The obvious is; She was not a broken person who needed to be loved; she was just a low life scumbag degenerate that decent people would want nothing to do with her. She would be fine; she can find other degenerate sycophants to associate with. This is turning out to be closer to the truth…
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GODS SELF ESTEEM PATHWAY>
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What did I want from First Love and any others I hung around; I wanted them to rescue me fix me take care of me and grow me up the way I wanted my parents to grow me up. I had no one; I wanted someone to love me and help me and take care of me.
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In the end; It is now God doing this in real time; For God has come down to the earth and is helping me; God is my teacher and my guide and my helper. God is in front of me now. And when Im working on God Self Esteem Pathway. And this is a section of God Pathway and the Vortex of God… They are all part of the same; the same answers God Universe is bringing me to allow me to grow on planet earth to get a life.
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I had no life in adolescence. I was a mental cripple by that time and shut down.
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God has let me know; No girl is assigned from him to help me grow up and develop from my adolescent period. No girl or women wants to help me because God did not assign any women for that task… NOT YET!
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I was not working with God when I was young nor going through God; I was taking of on my own through side quests. I was running on my own will. And I was make the worst decisions possible; I ended up around all the worst people; the wrong people; and getting stomped out for it… I was being used more then a towel at the beach on a hot summers day.
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I just didn’t get it.
In Gods world; God has standards; and if I follow God; I will be expected to become higher standards; God will teach me how and then match those levels with others who are of a higher human standard. And that was missing from my life after being thrown away; but then Ive been thrown away all my life.
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So…
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IF I want relationships; I put God first; I meditate and write stories of relationships the way I want them with whom I want them as if theyve already happened… And I get into the Vortex. And from their I desire and let God and the universe see it and feel it. And I give it to God for God is the horse driving the cart; Im sitting on the cart; I have no power; the horse has the power. The horse first; Then the cart… In this case; I must depend on the intelligent horse to think for me; to make the directions to supply what I need. For the horse has the power to go places and move not only its self but also the cart; I do not have such power. The horse is authentic and always goes down the line where it is set; it does not wonder off looking for candy and getting into trouble.
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The horse has been sent to help me. TO keep me down the safe and narrow lane; getting me from point A to B.
I can only succeed with the horse to get from A to B if I stay on the cart and don’t jump off. The horse cant help me if I drop out… The horse will stop the cart will stop.
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The horse knows where I want to go; but the horse knows whether its realistic or not; whether its inline with my inner being or the universe and or God.
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Is where I want to go aligned with the horse; if not it will be a tug a war between us; and that will result in nothing. And Ive spent my life within NOTHING. And I want it to stop.
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So; the horse resembles God and I on the cart resemble following Gods will.
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Im no longer interested in my will; its for sale and if I don’t sell it Ill give it away; its done no good for me!
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GOD IS TAKING ME ON A SELF ESTEEM PATHWAY REBUILDING OR BUILDING FOR THE FIRST TIME: MY BOY HOOD AND MAN HOOK IN THE ADOLESCENCE PERIOD>
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God is helping me personally.
FIRST LOVE; She was not under my higher powers WILL; She was under Mine; It was my direction; My will that found her; NOT GODS>
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IF I HAD BEEN IN A GOD PATHWAY: I WOULD HAVE NEVER MET THAT PERSON: GOD DOES NOT NEED THAT PERSON FOR ANYTHING CONCERNING MY LIFE:
God would choose 100000000000000 other people to be in my life that are under Gods care and direction and those who are interested in God. God has a family of God people to chose from for me. Why would God chose a devil person from outside the God Provence; This makes no sense. This First Love wore the Arm patch Colors of the enemy. She was no friend of mine and NO FRIEND OF GODS. God meant nothing to her; or anyone like her. This is the last person or entity in the world God would associate me with. And that is the point.
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Who God protects God loves. God loves me because I gave attention to God for help… And God is my friend and God cares what happens to me. I love God and God loves me And God takes care of me.
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I wanted First Love to have God in her life; but I was wrong; she was not someone who had ever called out for me. She did not call out to God for me to show up; I was mistaken and incorrect and I will pay for my insanity; God will have to come with his Angels of blue Light and rescue me and they did; but I was so far gone mentally; I was destroyed in heart mind and soul. It was not very hard for a demon to destroy an innocent God-boy with no protection… I was easily lied to and lured off a cliff; I never even knew what was going on before my life was taken. God did rescue me; but I was bad bad shape.
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Here I am today working with God to rebuild my life; And the next level of development is in God Pathway Machine/ beginning self esteem development practice pathway; section of God Pathway and the development of manifestations through Gods techniques of success sent to me by the universe; and developed into realization through meditation within the God Vortex and new stories for my life.
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Everything is going well; God has come down from the sky and is helping me at ground level as teacher and helper and guide… God loves me… And I love God… With all my child like heart…
All of me…
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At some point going through the adolescence faze of development through God pathway; as I practice and God takes me on journeys developing self esteem honestly and learn to earn it; at some point when I'm more mature; God will nudge me to take interest in the idea of a new girlfriend… for I will be at that level of maturity.
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Right now I am writing stories of new girlfriend as if I already have them. Im working with God to get all things opened up and working again down energy river.
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So; First is this beginning walking; one step at a time on paper and drawing paper and a course in the real world; a walking area; slowly walking and learning from my surroundings as God shows me things; things to learn from on all fronts on this Self Esteem Pathway… Im now doing this… Great. Im just at the beginning; so; I mean; it will be uncomfortable.
Im a broken crippled person in this area. I cannot walk and I cannot see; I must have Gods Angels hold me up; Working with me down God Pathway machine where Jesus instructs me and nudges me.
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So; working with God first…
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Notes;
1. Guitar; This is my activity; Hurray ; What could ever be cooler then being a guitarist into everything guitar; Nothing on earth is cooler then this. This is my God given activity… So; I slowly love everything about it; Im slowly learning how to self actualize with the guitar; This means Im actually playing it on a daily basis and not just watching hundreds of cool guitar instruction videos or guitar videos on whats the coolest guitars on the guitar channel or cool things you can do with a guitar in the guitar world. Amen
This would suggest Im doing vary mentally well with activities again. Im showing signs of going slow; not dropping out; but learning for the first time in a long time how to trust in the world enough to stick to something and not quite. Also; God brought me guitar; this is Gods alignment for me; and it feels so perfect and perfectly perfect. I am to stay inside and well; learn how to play guitar; GREAT!
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ACTIVITIES;
So; activities are alive well and functionally developing; This means Im doing well in activities; That is fantastic news considering my background of severe mental health problems.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
Well; God has got directions and a hold of all things Relationship within my life to help me get this part of my life straitened out.
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1. All things dealing with FIRST LOVE from the past; must Go… And with the helpers God has sent and with the alignment to God all the time and techniques the universe has sent; all things are going well as can be expected?
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NOTE; A possible key; to walk around or sit and practice being present; no thoughts; that means attempting to come out of dependence on the past losses; For; this way of thinking has turned into a religion. Im not used to living without the past. So; I have to work with God to do so. Getting rid of the resentments of loss concerning First Love; Is also a priority. Its unfortunate; but all that happened to me concerning first love; I got played and dumped; nothing even in the middle; thats all it was. Nothing else; just someone playing someone for the fun of it. I had no idea; so its humiliating. Its outrageous. However; I have to feel this and also continue doing 4th steps on this subject until I see only my role in it; For example; Here would be my role. “ Oviously the evidence shows I was played by some person that could care less if they ever met me; Thats all it was… Why did I even go up to their house. Why did I think I could get away with it… Is that their problem no.
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Here is the reality of FIRST LOVE…
It wasnt their fault. I was a stranger that should up at their door step. They may have taken advantage of it; but what was I doing. It wasnt very smart. Yes; I was innocent; but evil people don’t care… And that was a lesson I did not expect. However; Why didn’t I expect it! Thats the type of delusion Im working with. Ill get their slowly; but I will get there. Ill find their was no relationship; their was no friendship; their was nothing. I didn’t just mean nothing to these people. I really meant nothing to them; not even a thought; Why did I think I had a home away from home with these people. They didn’t even know me. And they weren’t even human. They put up with me for a little while then dumped me. Meaning their family. Oke…
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It takes 2 to have a relationship; and their was only one person their thinking in terms of relationship. This other person; FIRST LOVE: This person was not thinking relationship when looking in my direction; they were thinking; “ How can I use this fool; how can I get rid of this fool”. The question I have is; Why wouldnt I think they would have acted that way in the first place. Why wouldnt I think they are underhanded or going to use me; I mean; I don’t know! I learned a horrible lesson. Im still learning.
I think now finally Im on the outskirts of calling this what it was; just a simple kind of bulling tactic against what they saw as a weakling. They were not exceptional people; they were shallow average I guess and much worse.
IF these people were so bad; why was I up and around them. They never came to me. Why would I think they were safe or that I was safe? Why did I think they were nice people when I had no idea what they were.
Why would I think I had a girlfriend just because I was invited to someones house; The person who invited me to that house was unstable a sociopath who used people and dumped them; same kind of scum bag Ive been calling this girl; this FAKE LOVE>
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Somehow in my brain I forged her picture into that romantic part of my brain called love. This was not a very smart thing to do; these were unsafe people.
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Ill continue to work on it until it is gone. Until Im free of it and living in the present. Tuff stuff. ….
2. Self Esteem Pathway practice and development; God has come down from heaven and helps me himself on all things and all fronts concerning this Self Esteem development pathway. God did not send someone else to help me with my broken smashed neglected Adolesence years; God has come down to develop that part of my life himself. He is Teacher, Guide, Director and Helper; and He has Jesus, Universe Holy one; meaning Holy Spirit and Angels helping me if I need them. For I cannot walk or see; I am blind and I cannot get up down Gods Pathway…
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After much time and development down Self Esteem pathway and Im a bit more confident and grown up; God will nudge me concerning girlfriends and I will start to move in that direction; UNDER GODS CARE: GODS WILL NOT MINE>.. GOD WILL BE DRIVING THE BOAT: I will just be sitting in the back… God will be in charge… if I want something; Ill talk to God about it first and then God will bring it all into alignment and will pick the best choices for me; Amen.
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NOTE; Biggest dilemma; What guitar to buy.
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