July 2025
June 2025
No more need for 12 step groups? Could I be finished for now?
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This last round of 12 step groups really forced the work out of me; tremendously...
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Im at a point; by following God, that Im using my imagination to bind me or glue me or mend me back togather intimately with the past and the present surroundings... If I get glued back into the here n now. Will I really need to go to meetings; what for; I suppose for sanity purposes; but if I can connect outside in the real world? why would I need to go to meetings; And that is what Im working toward. I have to work with God on it... Im getting the beginnings of connecting again with myself and people of my past by re working my past in my imagination; but what If I continue this and create a whole new world in my head.
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I like the idea of working with God to learn how to connect with the outside world again with no need to go to meetings ever again. Ive been to 30,000 of them; Im not kidding; 25 years worth. I love the idea of being Able with Gods help to reconnect to the general world and its people and feel apart of and never go back into those rooms. I have a zoom meeting in the morning. Im in the beginning processes of all this; hopefully I can mend up enough to go out their on my own and do things. We will see.
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But I can tell its over with. I can tell this last round of people and places and things; its over with.
And its time to move on... Ill pray more about it; im not done with meetings yet; but the goal is independence so I can get the same experiences socially I get from the meetings; get them out in the world...
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Im somewhat expressive with my writing and somewhat in tune with self at the maturity age of my emotions; Ive been exploring my emotions and the visions and pictures it brings up in my mind; from my childhood and beyond.
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The dissociative disorder delated everything by 30 years. Im 58 years old; Im fine; Ive worked very hard to get where Im at and where Im headed away from the mental illness that crippled me from contact with the rest of the world.
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Its funny because on other sites; mental health or illness sites; mainly dealing with trauma; Many people; mainly guys register with me; those in their 20's; I say everything they wish they could say; and Im boldly open about it. And finally after being astonished by my openness they always ask me how old I am. Im probably they're age emotionally; in fact Im right there; Im struggling with them with the same effects; either dealing with women or working or career stuff. Ive been trapped all my life behind a trauma wall. no contact with the outside world. So; I get nervous and disappointed if I tell them my real age; they seem to treat me differently. Ive told most of them how old I am... But lately when someone asks I dont want to tell them. Ill talk to God about it. Its interesting tho how I can relate to so many people 30-40 years younger then me. But ya know! Not really; I mean; we are both going through the same thing... The difference is; either I find the answers for these problems or sink with the boat; I go down with the ship with no life... poof. But it looks like ill be getting a life fairly soon; things are changing for the better and Im getting more in touch with the here n now as " One" person; not a bunch of alters; or Split down the middle in 2 from trauma. Im still split down the middle in 2 by trauma but mending forces have come upon me...
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The trauma wall.
Its still a big problem; The trauma wall sends me back into PTSD land and I relive things as if Im still their.. and Im not aware that Im their and talking about those places; I think im present but actually Im back their. but I dont know anything is wrong.
Im starting to get a bit more grip on reality right now and now that the trauma wall sends me back their in time to relive things I cant handle are gone.
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Grieving is a big big deal.
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The goal is to work through the trauma wall into the present; thats the goal. is that possible; Ill talk to God about it; the universe and see what the universe does for me. Because I dont want to go to 12 step meetings anymore... The people; some of them are really psychopathic monsters and I really dont feel like dealing with them. The other problem is; Im getting better and want to step out into the real world again. Ill pray about this one and see what God bringing me.
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I can tell this round of 12 step group meetings are over for me. But I have to become more social in the outside world.
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The goal is to learn how to get my social needs met without going to meetings all the time. that means coming back to reality and dealing with people again... Trust God; God bringing me a plan for this.
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I have to start asking the universe for what Im suppose to be doing out here in the real world.
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