July 2025
June 2025
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Next sign of breaking away from individuals from the past…
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So; a summery.
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Case point one… First Relationship
In one case of people I knew when young; I would go to their house all the time as a very small little kid; starting at age 5; Little did I know no one wanted me; I was being used as a baby sitter for their son. As soon as their son came of age; Suddenly I wasn't wanted around as much. And soon; not at all. When I got older; No one acted like they knew me or wanted me their.. Strange and striking; The kid I became friends with when young; suddenly didn’t know me; or wasn't my friend; he acted like a stranger when we were older ( he didnt seem to care; meaning he didnt care about me); The reason; He had never been my friend; it was all a show… I believe his mother concocted all of this.
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For me; he was just a kid I met in school. I just wanted a friend. They used me completely. Later; They will be completely hostile toward me; him and parts of his family; What does this mean; it means I had out weighed my welcome. As I got older and older; I had known this already. later in life; It was God that brought me back to these people to take a good look at them and myself. I was in the recovery meetings and recovery process when I revisited these people.
What did I see; I saw many interesting things.
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NOTE: Ive talked about this literally hundreds of times; in hundreds of blogs; some sort; but its still relative now for I still deal with these issues in n out of my life; This is a great example of friendship gone wrong from the very start. This is an example of getting a higher power and working with God Universe.
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Where was I;
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So; Visiting his family when older; They didn’t care if they had ever met me. They were not the close friends they acted like when I was young. The boy who was now much older; a man in business; He acted like he was talking to a flunky idiot that couldn’t hold a hammer to a piece of wood ( Me).
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This is very important information because it does suggest they thought of me as a complete loser half human flunky; It doesn’t suggest I thought this of myself. I thought of myself as a wonderful person. Im no flunky; it suggests many things; First; this gentleman can judge me anyway he wants;
doesn’t have to find out the truth of who I am because he was just using me anyway; what does he care. This also tells of his character or lack of; More a pathological white collar worker… No conscious.
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It all makes a bit more sense as I think about it and work with God on it; my friendship with this family; why did they end up so cold heart’d.
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First; I believe the boy was faking it when I entered his home. His mother was nice and his family was well; nice. He was a nice kid; but this doesn’t make sense.
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Could it be he was faking it a little bit. When I was around him he acted like he was a friend of mine. But when I wasnt around he never was my friend. It was fake. And so was his family when I was around them. They appeared to like me. But it was conditional; as long as I was young enough to be like a brother he didn’t have. And his family wanted that for several years ( that extra kid around to socialize their son); until their son got old enough to make it into teen years or well into adolescence; everything would be alright. However; When he was older; suddenly no one really wanted anything to do with me. They wanted me gone; I had accomplished their task and they wanted me kicked out. And he really was never a real friend of mine...
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I was totally broken heart’d but working in the recovery process; I was able to get over it once I understood the kind of (devil-evil) I was dealing with. And it was my opinion after assessing the situation; he was evil and so was his family…( I never saw this evil when I was a young boy around them) So; I had no issues leaving and never returning around them ever again; it was my choice.
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It was easy for me to leave and never come back; I wasnt fooled anymore. Closure was easy. I went back around them and saw their evil for myself and dysfunction with my own eyes...
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So; Actually I suffered well under that sinking of that family Titanic-ship ( their family and my situation with their family; the ending of are association; thus meaning the Titanic; suggesting my relationship with them sunk to the bottom of the Sea; it is over).
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NOTE; Let me say; These were the worst unsafe people in the world for someone like me to associate with. My sensitive nice personality; I was destroyed.
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CASE 2; The Girl Up The Street!
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I almost cringe now if I have to keep bringing this person up. But I have to until its completely gone. Its getting much much closer…
As I worked on this past situation; I gave up the idea of this situation having anything with Love involved. Love was a bi product I brought into my head. It came from God; to give to someone else; Unfortunately I will never meet that person it was suppose to be given to…
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My brother knew a family. One of these family members came down to visit my brother in the new town we lived in. This family member; a friend of my brothers; his family lived up the street. One day; I was offered a ride; and a chance to meet his family; I said Oke.
In his house I met his sister his mother and his father; but my brother and I were present.
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For about 2 months I made regular stops at my brothers friends house. I would go with my brother or his friend; their car. And I would visit there house hold; and his sister and I would be present around each other. And this is where the story will go completely horrible…
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For some God awful strange reason will not protect myself emotionally or ask the right questions of the situation when dealing with his sister and his mother and father…
They were perfect strangers. They didn’t know me and had no more desire to know me then a stranger come visit with their son/brother should.
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I had horrible mental health issues… and everything was getting worse. I was very delusional.
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One day at his house; His sister offered me a coke and I started up a conversation. She seemed pleasant enough. Oke.
However; I took it wrong. I had forgotten. No one suggested my brothers friends family liked me. They didn’t not like me… I was just kinda brought to their house; when their son was revisiting for the day. Their son would take care of business and we would be on our way a half hour later or 45 minutes later.
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Unfortunately for me; Something strange happened. My severe loneliness; and its to bad; I had so many needs. I was thro away. Flunking out of school most of my life… No one cared about me; nothing. I lived in a kind of fantasia utopia Disney channel dream world.
So; I was taken by the idea that maybe this girl could be a friend of mine. And thus; The beginning of the end. I was an introvert; I had never had a girlfriend before. So; actually; this was insane…
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I needed a starter friend brought to me by God. I thought maybe she was it; Alas; I was wrong! This certainly would not be it! This was the opposite of that. This was no starter friend. Altho the same age; this person had 10 years of experience on me with the opposite sex; with everything. I had heard she was a very popular person in school. I could not function in school or out of school.
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Its a real shame all of this;
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I did need many things; much help in all areas; And what I needed would first come from therapy and psychologists. Thats the direction of what I needed. I needed a family concept; Ill get that from 12 meetings…
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The point is; out of desperation; I started turning his family into my family in my mind; As if I was part of their family; I started showing up more and talking more…
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What I didn’t know; no one really wanted me. They didn’t need one more person added to their family. The girl who was my age; she wanted nothing to do with me. But she was being cordial and friendly and a good host along with her parents when I showed up at their home with their brother they were nice. And thats as far as things really developed. After 2 months.. my attendance at their home began to slow down. His sister had no interest in me. She will not become the friend I was hoping she would become. I was hoping she would see me; discover me; see my personality for its truest value; She could care less! She continued to be a good host and friendly when I visited. However; after a few months I could tell; I was an outsider; and they didn’t need outsiders getting inside their home life.
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I started to slowly disappear when I realized I wasnt getting anywhere. No one really wanted to be friends with me. I just kind of disappeared. I was heart broken… I thought maybe I had made a friend in the girl. I had not. I did not know what to do. I felt like I wasnt even good enough to be friends with. I must have been the most unattractive human being on earth; less the then the dead who were buried.
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Their brother did pick me up at times during the month and bringing me up to their house but it was less n less and when I was their I just kind of stayed to myself. I had no interest anymore in being their. This went on for about another year; off in on. More n more I saw them less and less.. and finally no more.
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It felt like my wonderful personality had no value to anyone. No one was interested. This did start the process of sending me back to God. Atho I was extremely depressed and mentally ill And had massive other problems; I did start a deeper view of God…
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Later in life; much later; All of this will surface and I will feel the pain of it once again. And that was several years ago. And for the last 2-3 years Ive been working with God and Universe on answers for relief of this situation. And answers came.
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Im now very close to moving on from the memories of this family; Its taken allot of work to dig everything up and comb through everything..
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I Finally realize through God; I was not looking for any specific kind of person when I was visiting their family; I was looking to get my needs met… all the lost family needs and personal social and developmental and emotional needs; friendships and so forth… I also need my whole school system failure looked at. I was hoping these people would help me. But they didn’t! It never happened. I never asked. I got the message I wasnt understood because no one cared.. Im not stupid; I began to recede away…
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In the present;
So; Ive been working with God on getting them out of my history; out of my business. And its working.
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In my head;
They are down to a level of of people I can walk away from and get help for myself; I don’t need them in my head anymore…
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However; concerning their daughter; it appeared to be a bit harder dealing with her memory but lately; not really. Its a bit harder for me when I think of all the needs I had as a human being; I wanted them ( the whole family) as friends to help me; That would never happen.
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Concerning that family from the past as if I was their and it was the past;
I want God to give me new places in my imagination I can go where I could just walk away from those people; not needing them anymore; I could gather up my desires and needs and walk out of their home; Then; Strongly walk or take a car strait to those new people and places and things God had waiting for me; agencies for help( Im not sure); maybe in the city downtown; where I can get help for my problems. The point is; Im very close to leaving that family; leaving them and not remembering them or needing them anymore; Im very close. Not yet but close. Ive been working for this for several years.
So; when I look back in my history; I don’t even have to bother seeing those families from the past.. I wont need them; I will have changed the narrative. I will just walk away from their house into a new form of responsibility for myself; Me; taking responsibility for myself; getting myself to new places God has set up for me to help me.
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Open the door walk outside; catch a ride; get down town and find the real help I need for my life… Find it in places God set up for me… this is the kind of new narrative Im looking for.
Its happened in a few situations concerning these people; these families. I mean; when looking into my past through my imagination.
My goal is to become independent of the need to remember those people.
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As for the girl. I meant nothing to her. So; I want out; I want escapes from their family; I want to get my psych needs emotional needs personal needs friendship needs intimate needs; somewhere else during that time.
This is the most important thing on my mind right now.
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The goal is to completely become independent of this past situation; where I have no reason to even look back on it ever again. And if I keep it up; the work; this might happen. Im doing well erasing these people’s importance from my past.
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In my imagination;
In a real sense; when looking at the past; (In an imaginary state) Im at that point; Im wanting to move out of their house( within my imagination) imagine Im getting my needs met somewhere else; somewhere down the road where I don’t need these people anymore. They were not good people for me. I needed to get out of there and find places God had set up for people like me who have problems.
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Im not losing out on anything by forgetting these people; people who feel I mean nothing to them; God certainly did not send these people to help me; Thus; this was the wrong house old to visit.
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In the present;
I would like to pray right now and continue to pray on whom God actually is sending me now; who wants to help…
I don’t know if anyone was actually sent to help me when I was young; I ended up around allot of mental health agencies… I don’t know…
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NOTE; Ive been so mentally ill; it may be; I wont really start receiving the right people in my life until maybe now; maybe the present here in 2024.
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As for this family when I was young; I would like them gone from my imagination. They served no purpose. They weren’t sent by God. Im at no loss actually if I never remember them again. The girl in the family I wanted to try to become friends with; She had no interest and said I meant nothing to her. So; Im asking God to transfer what ever interest I wanted from that family; “ Please God” “ send me into another direction”.
Meaning; I want to move out. I want to collect all my needs I thought those people might help me with; I want to scoop them all up into a pouch; a big big pouch; walk out the door; and take them in a moving van to another location; one set up by God to help people like me. Please help me God!
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This means; Im ready to move on… Im literally ready to move out of their… move out of putting any weight on those people to have been obligated to help me in anyway. I cant leave until God has set up a new place for my stuff; my goals and dreams and problem to be solved; a place to work on all of this. A place with loving caring people… And where would that be where God has helpers… or a place for me…
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I don’t know. Im not talking about 12 step groups… But I don’t know; I may have to change to equal what Im asking God to bring. We will see.
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