July 2025
June 2025
FRIST LOVE: Something Im always working on. Trying to come out of my delusion. I may have come out of it enough; out of the euphoric drug that it is; the strange euphoric false reality Disney land channel affect it creates... ; ITs a drug; it gets me high; it keeps me in this false childhood like state where I'm a young teenager for ever winning the game.
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The problem is; this also keeps me in a state of homelessness and torture within self... a bankrupt state. This is not the only problems I have; but its the apparent problem I have at the moment; the concept of it; it represents many areas of my life and many different issues.
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I'm now changing or have changed; still doesn't make it easy; Because I have to live life without these euphoric drugs created through being delusional about the past. And without the past; Im nothing. And I cant live that way either; I have to work with God in my own lane to become something.
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I attempted to created innocent relationships with corrupt dishonest criminal minded people. It didn't work. They may have been legal but not moral. I was destroyed... No one cared. My ability to get close to people was permanently crippled from then on.
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NOTE: THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS: IM NOT IN THEIR LEAGUE; THAT IS THE MAIN PROBLEM: IM STEPPING OUT OF MY LEAGUE: AND THE RESULT IS COMPLETE DISASTER. MY DEATH…
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I am or was; walking out into another league not my own. Those in the other league have put out a rope for me to hang myself with. They will say nothing; they will play along long enough to watch me hang myself. They are legal; but not moral. The courts would have told me; “ Couldnt you just walk away”! Yes; But nothing enrages me more. Im learning now! Its still not easy; non of this is easy; but Im learning.
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I have a super contempt of anger about leagues; Someone is in a better league and I have to prove Im just as good. That Im just as good as someone in their league; Its a real contempt when I have to get back in my lane and stay in it.
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Ive talked about FiRst LOVE; Thats what thats about; the horrific contempt of not being good enough because I was not in her league. Leagues are a very interesting thing; Ive learned the hard-way; I might be the greatest sensitive human being on earth; but don’t cross into someone else’s league or lane without permission. In fact; don’t get involved with them at all. Im not suppose to be involved with them. Im suppose to be in my league; my lane and learning to make things work. Yes; it may be harder for awhile. But I can reach out to a higher power for help and work with a higher power on these things…
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NOTE: My First Love could not have loved me; she is from a much much superior higher league then I. She was of a higher league from many different angles. Her looks; her schooling and life success; and her families solidness in the community through money. Her family had money; she was a strait A student able to go to private schools and colleges… She had social success of popularity and being a a head cheerleader.
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NOTE: Hypergamy… is a term used in social science for the act or practice of a person dating or marrying a spouse of higher social status or sexual capital than themselves. The antonym "hypogamy" refers to the inverse: marrying a person of lower social class or status.
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Certainly it would be to my great dream to have met a nice girl from a nice family that accepted me in loved me worked with me and helped me get on my feet as a person; adopted me; where she would become my best friend under God and then Wife. NEVER HAPPENED>.. Hypergamy made sure of this.
Its been my experience; Women especially are people looking for someone of higher social status then themselves… who have higher sexual market value and economic power status then themselves. They may say differently but their behavior will always prove this out. OKE; And From this; this thus shuts the door on my future even knowing this person when young; This; FIRST LOVE; It shuts the door on it completely. In fact; it was only in my imagination that the door was open in the the first place…
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The sad part about this was just how fair of from reality I was.
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FIRST LOVE: She was quite the actress… Acting is all it was… It Is very sad for me; But its also the way of things… Next time; don’t get caught in a trap like this ever!
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I had some ridiculous idea I could just walk into their live or houses and be accepted as I am. This would not happen. I learned very quickly I was at the opposite level in life; and it stunned me so much; I ran off. I felt like a loser criminal being around these people and a liar… I must have lied; why else would they have had me around them. THEY WOULDN'T HAVE!
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My point is; I had to lie to have a chance to be around these people. In the end; when confronted with reality; it didn’t take long to realize I didn’t fit in. I was the opposite fit for this situation. IT was a real miss match. Id never felt so worthless out of place and lousy in my life. I felt like a fraud and a fake and liar and I suddenly sheepishly tucked my head into my shoulders and squandered of sheepishly never to return.
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What I didn’t know! They knew this from the start; They were just play acting me. They never wanted me their in the first place; IT was a joke to them and I was a joke to them; but no one told me. They threw the rope out to me; slowly unwinding it long enough for me to think everything was safe and good; they did this long enough for me to hang myself. And I did; They even supplied the cliff for me to jump off of!
The point is; I never had anything going on with those people or at those places. I had no idea I was around my enemies; but I was… I never accepted from the first moment; In fact; they were probably plotting doing this to people they thought were weak; probably from the start…
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What was I looking for. I was looking for a friend; I was looking for help! They were not going to help directly to the towns mental health units; They didn’t care; it would be funner to lead me on and then lead me off a cliff; And they did; they didn’t care if I was innocent. These type of ivy league upper middle class people don’t care about people like me. They were sending a message to me. STAY AWAY: DONT EVER COME BACK!
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Heartbroken; I got the message…
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People looking down on me from a higher league are not my friends. And they will always look down on me if they are from another league that is above mine; ALWAYS!
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So; I make the mistake of going into someone elses league and I will pay the price for it. I might be a great guy; but leagues don’t care. People in better leagues don’t care what happens to me. I don’t exist to them. So; why am I going to people where I don’t exist.
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An example;
Im always hanging around the clowns at the circus; Someone finally suggests; Why not stop going to the circus in the first place. Well; that would take care of the problem. But where do I go instead; I might not fit in anywhere else. So; I talk with a higher power for help.
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It never did any good to hangout with people who were of a higher economic or family system back ground; meaning those with more money or a tight nit family or successful healthy family system.. I didn’t come from one so I don’t fit in there… I tried once or twice; it didn’t work. They had nothing but contempt I was even around them. I never knew until it was 2 late..
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I have to learn to operate in my own sphere… or Ill be taken advantage of. Thats what Ive found. I need not worry if others think they are better then me or of a higher league because I am to see that as a red flag and get out of there…
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I NEED TO GET A LIFE…
Depending on others of a higher league to help me is ridiculous and murderous.
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Example of league…
2 families were from the same neighborhood. Both well off; both houses next to each other. The children of both families similar ages; got to know each other and became close friends and did many thing together. They were both of the same league. Everything was familiar to them concerning both families… Both families when on vacations; would take kids from the other house holds with them. These families were also connected into other families in the community of a similar economic and league educational; or occupational level… They were connected in with industry, teachers, schools, businesses and so on.
So here I come. Im from a throw away from system. Im a sensitive great guy; decent person; intelligent but non functioning in society. Do you think Im going to be accepted by these people; NO! Im not in their league… They don’t need to accept me… They gain nothing from it; They feel nothing for me. They are all ready getting their needs met. This may suck for me; but its the way it is. Ill have to work with God in my own lane and learn to make things work in my own lane…
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Its possible that within these families; if I hung around for awhile; they would toss me a rope to play with; they would string it out long enough for me to hang myself with it. They are not my friends; its their way of telling me to get lost…
And thats what happens in the real world. I have to work with God to create my own world. Altho Im a decent person; Others were never willing to help unless they had a community help sign on the building saying they were their to help me get on my feet again. It never happened from local families or neighborhoods; I had to go to state agencies for that…
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Hanging around families because I didn’t have a family; those people never accepted me. I was always hated from the beginning but never knew it. They had nothing but contempt for me.
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I had nothing but contempt because I knew I was worth more then the league I was in. IT didn’t seem fair. And it probably wasn't. However; going to the house of someone out of my league expecting them to accept me is literal suicide… Those people will set traps from the beginning to get rid of me. As I mentioned before; They have no reason to share their goods with me; They have no reason to know me or accept me; they get nothing from it. They will have contempt for me and thus shove out a rope in front of me and they will keep releasing the rope out until its long enough for me to hang myself… And then they will spit on me and walk off.. THEY ARE NOT MY FRIENDS… In many ways; they are my enemies… Thus; I am to stay clear of them… They don’t have my best interests at heart.
My Job is to ask God; where do I go. Where do I belong; and start working on it.
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Its hard when the nice houses in town down the nice streets and nice neighborhoods; Im not invited because Im not part of. I cant just show up at their houses and be accepted; thats what I learned.
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I have to start at the beginning of my life experience; work with a higher power; get mental health and anything else I need; Work with God on a purpose and direction; Start working on it and see where it goes… Go from their.
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One might say; I have to get my own strait A’s out of school; I cant depend on someone elses; it wont help me. Hanging out with someone else who is a strait A student while Im an F student; This will not help me.. IT will cause contempt within the strait A student. It causes contempt because the strait A student is getting nothing from our interactions. The strait A student wants to move forward not backward. They will not want me in their presence; They are in a different league.
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Another problem with league; If I am accepted into someone elses family who is of a much higher league; Beware; They are not accepting me. They are using me. They are putting me into a sub standard level within their household. I am being used; They know this because they are secretly talking to each other about me and about using me from the beginning; I am being lied to; They are not my friends and they don’t need me… And I may never know this is happening; but it is happening.
I have found that if one family system in a neighborhood is just 10 bucks down from the other; meaning; their bank account is lower then their next door neighbor; lower by 10 bucks( dollars); That other family will see themselves as superior. Its that bad…..
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Beware of looking for friends who have families or backgrounds of a higher league; if they let me into their door; its a trap; RUN!
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Its easy to think they like me; Im a decent person; and they want me around because we are equal; both decent people; me and that family; In reality; That is not why they have me around; They are using me; No one cares. Im silently being manipulated for something and when that Something is complete; Ill be thrown to the streets…
Its o so sad but its true… Im not wanted by most people…. That doesn’t mean its over. I have God…
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So; I have God; a higher power….
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So; here I am with the opportunity through the recovery process to start over; start over in relationships...
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Its very humiliating because I depended on those past lies about myself being with others or in relationships with others; I was never in a relationship with anyone; I had a big fantasy and that was it. I made mistakes on who I associated with... Ive got to learn to pull it back within my imagination; see myself going home and starting again with God this time. And that's exactly what I'm doing...
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I do feel depressed right now and anxiety; I feel this way because of a combination of reality and starting over with Goals.
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How do I feel about myself.
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I feel depressed and less then. I feel like I was no match for people like my first love; and its been proven; I was in no way in that persons league and that causes a dismal depression. And Ill just have to accept that.
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I will say this; Who exactly do I think I am; I mean; Why would I or should I be in that specific persons league; Why; and for what. I mean; How or why did I get them or pull them into my personal stuff insanity… Why would I be mad one way or the other if they are not in my league. This is the kind of thing to work out. This is what I have to work out; for the real me is underneath this. The real me is 10 feet below; or several stories below… It the real me is several stories below; what am I doing up here on the top floors of this building; In my imagination. And their it is.
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Ill work with God on it…
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Writing about it is good… I have to learn how it feels without this person in my mind. Without depending on my Glory days; of; “ Look who I think liked me along time ago” “ Look everyone; Ive got a story of status”. Is it possible for me to be of status without this story…
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Can I be someone without this story; Well; thats what Im going to find out and find out how to become someone as I am; see where I actually fit in the world and keep praying about it.
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I suppose Ill be like allot of people; Go through allot of rejection and confusion for a while until I find myself out here…
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YES: UNTIL I FIND MYSELF OUT HERE…
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Ive been in 12 step groups half my life; OKE; Im alive and Ive gained a great deal. Now; Ill work with God on slowly heading out into the real world and test my metal against whats out there.
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My goal is to find out what my LEAGUE is out in the real world… We will see who I am to others… and where I fit in and where I want to fit in.
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Ive got allot of B_llSH_t about me. And Im afraid allot of drauth is going to ware away from this ancient body… Hopefully Ill find myself out here; how I can be myself and where I fit in… Ill work with God on it.
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I start out as a half broken half sensitive person; introvert.
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When it comes to relationships; Ive got to work with God; Because; Im starting over and new.
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I never really started before. Maybe at age 14; In the beginning. But not really. I thought I was someone I wasn't. I was put in my place because of it; didn't expect that.
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My whole life is about starting out there… Starting out there as I am. If I want to be more then what I am; I have to work with God and earn it. If I want to be accepted out there in real life; I have to work with God to be myself and find those people and places and things associated with my natural authentic life…
Ill start praying about it.
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Ill continue to seek more information about the past so I can gain more relief; but at this point; its the past. I mean… No place to live in it anymore… Its kind of been emptied; much like a garage that used to have vehicles has been emptied…
I cant get anything out of that place; its completely empty; I have to go out into the world to find what Im looking for.
So; in a real sense; Im starting over as is. AND I MEAN AS IS! I don’t get to take no false league status with me; I aint got nun! Its just me as I am.
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On the positive side; Im myself; I mean; Im must like I was when was very young starting out at a very young teen age or adolescent age. Im just myself. And thus; their aint no status. I aint got non…
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The problem in the past; I was mad that I didn’t have any status so I lied and created a false narrative about myself around others; It was a complete lie. I cant do that this time; Lying to others separated me from others. It did not keep me safe. Ive got to learn with Gods help to learn to be myself and accept who I am and where Im at…
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And Ill work on that.
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GOAL: To accept where Im at after finding out where Im at in the range of things in the world. Then; learn to be happy within that range in the outside world; And that means accepting that if Im not in someone elses league level; leave them alone for good; don’t even go their. Just learn to be in my own pathway lane… work with God in my lane. And work within that lane and no other… Just work with God if I want something; learn how… Leave others alone. God will attract the right people into my lane if Im aligned with God and doing the right things…
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An understanding; Ill be earning what I want; wont be no other way!
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I might not feel like Im anybody; Well; Im going to have to work on that; Ill have to learn how to work on that; Thats what anyone has to do. Its not given to me. Ill learn to work at things that make me feel better and feel good… Im a bit more capable of trying things these days and taking a little more responsibility…
working my way into a happiness is up to me… Ill work with God on it. I wont be buying it or opportunising into it… Ill start at ground floor and earn it just like everyone else.
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Got work on getting a girlfriend;
What does that mean; it means the garage is empty… No past and NO HISTORY! Nothing. So Get to start over where Im at.
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The hardest part right now is not going after someone. That hardest part is somewhere in this journey; about 30% in; I start AVPD avoidance; a and dissociation. I start to seriously dissociate in a disability based way; So it means; its like my personality disappearing and another reappearing. And I don’t want that; I want to slowly learn how to stay present through this journey experience; So; lots of practice and development down this journey; lots of strengthening.
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WHERE AM I AT TODAY:
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Im very close to loosening with Gods help; losing the past enough to rebuild my own identity within its walls; walk out and start over again free! And thats exactly what is happening; Im very close; close within my own vortex and in my imagination. Im very close to being equal in status league level within my mind and the outside world basically matching.
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What is my market value; power social level in society; I would say its between a 2-5. What would it be if I walked out into society right now; I would say or believe it would be a 2-5 level. The point is; Who I think I am and how I think the world will interpret me are about even. Certainly at times I can be a 1-3 level… At times I dress and act like a 1 out of 10. Its possible in the right circles; it could be a 6. I went to college; could lose a bit of weight have on nicer close go to a social gathering and smoosch… And be accepted at at-least an average level; it might be possible at rare times.
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For my age; and other factors; altho Im a sensitive great guy; I would say the world will accept me between a 2-5 position out of 10.
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What does this mean; well; it means; don’t go after the attention of anyone above a 2-5 level; stay away. Work with God to have the nicest of people in the 2-5 social status level show up around me.
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Social and sexual market values does not indicate if Im an ethical decent honest person… or a terrific person.
What it means; Stop going out of my league. I have a strange league; but its my league and God will bring the right people into my league. If I want a stronger more diverse league; Then build it up.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
In context to whats been shared here…
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Altho Im an old man; I would ask the viewer to imagine Im 20 for the purpose of the story.
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If I were young again… It would have been better for me to listen to God being Gods realm and vortex; and to meet someone at my level; That means; a girl working at a fast-food place who was just starting out in life who had no money. That would have been Gods original plan; Instead of my intention of fantasy for the cheerleader heading to private colleges who came from money and was very pretty.
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Where am I at now. Im slowly very slowly waking up to becoming at that starting place; Like that kid that starts out at the fast-food place who has no money. Ive worked very very hard for a long long time to get back to this basic starting place. Why? Because this basic concept of a starting place is real vs the giant Disney land fantasies concocted in my brain I was living off of.
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This means; Im going full circle. Im starting to come back to reality a bit and accept it and be accepting of it. And this truly is a miraculous act by God; a gift Ive been given God… This means no more past; The past is their Im not believing it or in it anymore… I don’t believe in the past anymore then I believe in drinking alcohol all day long.
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The real gift is the ability to want to wake up and just be; be grateful that what I have in the present is real. And that my disabled brain can handle some of it; just enough to believe again; to believe Im worth it…
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Altho I was trauma bonded and fooled and lied to and many other things; I don’t believe it or in it anymore. I know its a lie; I know those who took advantage of me created the lie to deceive and destroy me. Life is a risky business. I was innocent and a boy; and thrown numerous times of the boat into sharks. I never survived…
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And here I am now saying; Yes to life again please!
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MY BIGGEST CONCERN; Learning how; if I'm in bad situations; learning how to handle them and move out from them and away from them. I'm not interested in killing myself over emotional losses because I got involved with bad people who set me up.
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The garage is empty; meaning my past; I cant go back their… However; The history is erased as well. And that is truly a gift from God… I get to start over as if I had no past life… Or; as if my original life identity was never touched; Like; Like I was a kid again before ever starting out in the adult world beyond a kid.
And in many cases; Ive never gone beyond childhood… everything else was an evil shoved down my throat…
So; Ive never really developed beyond the middle of childhood; But now its up to me. So; Working with God to be safe is what Ill be doing.
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Im not suggesting I wont get into trouble; Im very dissociative and I know what that means when Im back into society; I make big blinding mistakes. So; I have to work with God and work with Others to learn how to handle my mistakes…
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Its all good; Ive got people to talk to.
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STALKERS AT MEETINGS: Unfortunately; Ive got stalkers from the meetings… Some of the meetings I go to are ruff places.
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So….
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Music/Art Creation…
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No issues…
Well; Dissociation from dissociative disorder and my general problems; I don’t spend allot of time creating anything. I use more of my machines as therapeutic devices to help me learn how to be present again…
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I am thrilled about what happened with Art a month ago; Art was answered. I have several art purposes; one of those is to take and idea and intellectually explore it on canvas; and that does it for me; that could simply keep me interested and entertained for the remainder of my life… That is a real purpose for art…
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Im now in an exit interview to the past takeover of my life because of mental illness ( Altho its their and still disabling; especially in the outside world; outside); Because of abuse and because of being taken advantage of in false relationships and the meeting and trusting of wrong people. So; The goal is to work with God to meet up with the right people.
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So; Ill be wanting to leave; break from this past narrative reality. Slowly moving forward…
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Its the beginning of the next level… Im just strong enough for this basic reality; We will see…
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Its all good… However; I have to earn my way back to a new life… and so….
Our partner
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