July 2025
June 2025
Changes have co0m....
.
First; Im getting my gaming machine; and its next inline after learning the guitar and before guitar was plastic model kits; I collected about 180 off them; Did that for the 8 year old in me... and I got to build one of those models while listening to CCR with my older brother before he passed away... God Rest His Soul...
I was asked if their was anyone from the past I would like to meet; And it was him; My brother John....
I love you John.....
.
.
.
---------------------------
Had a hard day. mad that I didnt get my gaming mouse today in the mail or what ever; The delivery guy tried to deliver it yesterday 2 days in advance; Shocked. He couldnt get in the building.
.
I called today; that took allot of me to come out of my depression agoraphobia... They told me it would be here tomorrow...
.
A guy called me; a recovery guy he needed help and was calling out; and he called me. So we talked. I was helping him; he was asking for help.
.
Do you remember when you wanted to help the world or help that special person; to save them... Well; in this case; people are calling because they are really in trouble and need the help.
.
So; ive been practicing having a voice again and helping others. Sociopathic bullies and others who swindled me out of my life; out of terror and fear; I shut down and could not speak anymore; to scared.
So; Im back now at that level of helping others with my voice...
.
.
And my gaming mouse should up...
.
SO; God was with me today. iT was still a strange day; not perfect. But it could have been; and lots of it was; but I was around some people that are 2 faced and that makes things weird.
.
.
Heres the other part.
.
.
Because Ive been working so hard on uncover work concerning my past; Ive the forensic psychological and forensic detective concerning my past information; deciphering what it all means; taking that 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of my young life and putting it together to see the bigger picture; I began to see that Gods communications of the people of the past; Who they were; what they were really doing in my life; God was correct... I had no friends. The people I thought were so close to me; that I loved so deeply as closer than a brother or a bride to be she made me see; I was wrong. I lied. Lied to myself... I tried to make Goons into my closet cohorts; All I ended up with was Goons; Goons that turned on me as fast as possible. And these were the enriched friends I thought I had.
.
I told God about it years ago in the recovery process and God tried and has been helping me figure things out...
And Ive been figuring things out; I made the wrong people out to be nice poeple simply because I needed it that way... It was a lie and I ended up in horrible trouble later... They didnt care about me. I meant nothing to them. .
.
.
.
Now; Im learning to see the truth of who they were not; and Im letting go of them; spineless Vermin; I was nothing more then convenient quick entertainment for them; nothing more. Not depth. I would show up for that day; for a few hours and have fun and leave. IT did not require we were real friends. I did not know this. I stayed the night all the time as this one persons house; it meant nothing to them. I was not their friend; I was being used; they were doing just fine...
.
.
.
God helped me and is helping show me that HE did not send me in that direction; He never sent me to those peoples houses; he had other plans for me; completely different plans but out of desperation I did what I did. God wanted me to go down another path on the other side of all this. And now Im getting it.
.
.
The one thing Im learning; Just because the kid I hung out with was going to be a Doctor lets say; and I to had the potential to be a Doctor; Just because I hung with him did not make me a Doctor nor heading in the direction of a doctor; in fact I was heading in no direction at all; And God knew this. The kid was building his life and his future with his parents protection and help; I was hanging out with the kid; I was getting nowhere... Finally the family were done using me to baby sit their kid and I was dumped. Neither the family nor the kid were ever really friends of mine.
.
.
Heres the deal; SO; God is teaching me how to become stripped of those past people and learn to value myself as if I had never met those people and re narrate my life again as if I was starting over before I met those people; and thats whats happening now. Im learning how to build my own life without anyone else. Just God and lots of support people.
.
.
And Im showing signs of letting go of those people and what I thought they meant to me; that is also leaving
.
God showed me something very important. God explained to me that these people are not around. I asked God... " Why are not these people with me; the ones I liked so much and valued so much and loved so much" " where are they God; if they loved me". God made it clear that the reason they re not present is because they never wanted to be or valued to be. They were not suppose to be with me... I thought... " thats interesting"...
I thought they liked me. NO; they did not! What does that mean. It means I made a mistake by ever associating with those people in the first place; they were not my friends; they were using me. As soon as I stopped calling them; it was the last time I ever heard from them.
They were not my friends.
.
So; I was never supposed to meet them. What was I suppose to do; I was suppose to go down on my own journey and start building my own life and God would bring the right people for this job...
.
Im getting triggered concerning sexual assaults when young. I was forced to live with alcoholic monster that molested me. His daughter brought us over to be molested; she should have been put in jail; they both thought they were above the law and above God. I hate that they had no respect for our flag or our citizens or our countryman or our way of life; nothing; makes me sick; stand for nothing good; nothing. Worthless...
.
No way I could have fought back accept directly and that was impossible; no child can do that; if I fought back; its an indication im not wanted in that house hold and all my future is over with; and that what they were hoping for...
it was pure contempt against decent children of this; our society. no respect for our people or our flag; Nothing; worthless filth...
.
.
Ill try to work on this; to face this that was right in front of me. The dissociation. However, as I get better; I can see where this is going; from that monsters house to my mothers new husbands house; he was the same way; groomed by her to believe everything she told him. I was treated miserably by this weirdos; and thats who she married; another weirdo; a weakling who would take the side of a women instead of taking the side of children; spineless weakling... Sickening...
.
So; the humiliation of being assaulted on a daily basis and bullied with no place to go; nothing...
.
And it happened in the school system by teachers and by students... ITs because I saw through them; I saw what they were and I was defensive and afraid of dealing with them... I wanted nothing to do with them because they were worthless.
.
.
Now; I have to deal with that time period as I slowly get better; However, because Im slowly getting better now; I end up stronger in that abused time period and Im stranger to look at it and deal with it.
.
As when I was being sexually assaulted; its about facing the perpetrator face to face and fighting back... Doing this now... practicing it somehow in my mind; but its all so scary and frightening and sickening and takes me back to those times; However, those times are with me 24/7 right under my conscious mind; PTSD all day long.... so.........
.
Fear...
.
Hopefully God will continue to show me a way out. .
.
.
.
.
Watching Clothing and keeping my place clean... im scared of this because it exposes me to reality and I want to hide.. I dont want to be part of reality..
.
.
This is my goal tho; to keep my clothing washed and to keep my place clean. I want it turned into a goal...
.
And to stay in shape and stay at my proper weight... That is very hard because I might want to get into a relationship if Im at my normal weight and feel good about myself. and Ill talk about that on the next blog.
.
Sexual abuse and other forms of abuse seem to be a major issue in not dating... a very big part of it; Im scared; I dont want any one physically close to me doing what those monsters did to me; I dont want to find myself being assaulted again with no place to run or hide; no place to go...
.
I cant afford to be with someone where I fight back and get legal charges brought against me. I dont want some idiot like that around me; especially dating women like that...I dont want to attract someone like that... Im scared ....
.
Im slowly letting go of the Girl Up The Street; my first love; because she cant be my first love or anything else. I dont want to admit that I was ruined when I was sexually abused and that causes problems concerning meeting the right people instead of the wrong people; I was reacting to the PTSD... and Dissociation... I was trapped and abused with noway out...
.
.
The morning meeting I go to; the 12 step group; Im almost through with it; Im healing and getting stronger and at some point wont have to go anymore. I think... It might get lonely in the mornings.
.
.
Id like to think the meetings help me find God and at some point I dont have to go so much because Ive finally given myself to getting helped by God and learning how to trust God again; the universe...
.
.
I am totally messed up from the sexual abuse and assaults and not being able to fight back or being torn from my home as a child right before that or at the same time and no one rescuing or caring as if I was never born...
.
I look back and I didnt have a friend in the world; Nothing. All those I went to turned on me; or more realistically; I was never wanted in the first place; I was being controlled or manipulated or used...
.
.
IVe noticed allot of people who want to be in control when Im around... I have to heal; trusting God and working with God...
.
I am healing.. I am getting a bit stronger; stronger than before. it would be nice to be able to confront sexual abuse head on face to face without being re traumatized with more PTSD... Ill keep working with God on it.
The problem with the sexual abuse is; I had no place to go; no place to hide or run and no adults on my side and no parents; nothing; I was given away...
.
Im around bad people; allot of them; Ive held my own to get the recovery I seek... In the end it has been the right thing working with God; but not easy...
.
.
Ill keep praying for Gods will for me and to tell God to help me over n over n over n over n over... for ever; that is the goal.
.
Im getting closer; I really want PTSD healing... to learn how to face the abusers in my head and past.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: bellarosechem, Bing [Bot], Electronz, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ New social path has began (Pressure)
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.050s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.5
Time : 3.050s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.5