July 2025
June 2025
I new life is developing within me and hopefully outside of me; that is the goal but WE arn't their yet! kind av like a serial killer getting ready to be burned through the electric chair; not quit ready!
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Think autumn orange.
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Im a painter; And like the video game Layers of Fear; "Im beginning to remember now"!
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O sweet Emily (pause); when will U be mine!
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------------ OK; enough of the Rant...
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So; Many things; good things changing. many memories are willing to come back; Its the 4 year old alter in me; the elusive child HE/SHE; that runs the system; She/He is giving permission for more alters at different ages to show their memories...
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Im beginning to see my original grade school; where I used to walk; the front doors at the back where all the kids lined up... I see the stairs and all the kids in it and on it; And the main lobby area where the library lay...
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Im remembering some of the good times... Im being allowed by her for this. I can see her giving permission; she runs the brain... She decides what I see and what I dont.
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She is the gate keeper... She/He is the manager of the system.
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Painter am I; but unable was I to paint creative real things of abstract fun and interest; such things for those alive... Turning back into an artist that is in control... Thus; it is my only goal.
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My new; brand new hobby is; Video PC gaming! YES!~. God bought me a nice computer and 1440p monitor....
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That means I have 2 authentic hobbies that are not going away; Plastic model kit making; the kind I did as a kid; model ships. model muscle cars; planes; submarines and such.... trucks and trailers Tanks...
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So; Im starting to come back online slowly; socially getting used to bits of people again. Im not eating them,; dont worry.
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Mother/Father; Praying about how this will happen. and I imagine Im in my original house on C street when I was a kid... In my neighborhood; its starting to slightly come back; the permission to remember... I mean; Ive been remembering for awhile but I mean; taken to a new level where I really remember; and its like being their again; and thats slowly showing up.
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So; many things are wanting in. When I was young; I did live in a house and thought I would have a normal life. And so Im asking God for that experience right now; that same set of memories and feelings... And thus; I need a mother and father to continue where the original ones left off and I will go from that point socially t developing again... And moving forward.
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How God is going to do this Im not sure...
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Social; Ill have to lose all my weight; clean myself up; Get this apartment cleaned up like a nice shining hotel room waiting for a new guest... Thats the goal...
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I have these old interests and old hobbies; Im not sure what to with the stuff... Ill pray about it...
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CAR; Not yet; keeping it alive... Ill keep at it...
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Social is whats important. me being me around the world again; and with others.
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LIFE IS LIKE STARTING A NEW VIDEO GAME>.
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My life is like I ended a video game; my life was the past video game. And when the cartridge was pulled out of the video game; it need to be rearranged and healed up; it was broken; And than it was erased; its hard drive disk; Then; all new programing and a new game... And God put the cartridge in the New video console. And now Im being readied for the new game; in fact; Ive shown signs of being in it for awhile now. Like walking around in Fallout 4 without the weapons!
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So; Im starting to come basic online; And most importantly; with out the old people or places or things or old family systems. I have one sociopathic brother left; but things are fairly even between us for now; hes kind of a crook and still uses.. So; Im not much of a relationship with him... but things are better.. Hes still a bit of a stranger.
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The point is; no one did all this accept me; Im where I am from the opportunities presented to me years ago at which I took. And its made all the difference..
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.............................
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Girl up the street.
The facts are what determines the reality of that situation; The facts are; She did not care if she ever saw me again. She laughed at me when she found out I was faltering and could not perform intimacy with her; her and her mother laughed at me and she wrote me off; lost respect for me. She tried to have violence brought down on me And she told people I meant nothing to her. I tried to call her and she said no; she was not interested in hanging out with me... She had her chance with me..
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What is the truth; and Im still looking into it.. She had great meaning to me... I loved being around her; I was addicted to her. every time I was around her everything about her had meaning to me. I loved her and loved being around her...
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She did not like me nor like being around me. I think I was mistaken; she was scared probably and simply reacting or fawning to stay safe. She was uncomfortable I think. When she found out I was immature; it was over;; right Then! She moved on right then... I Was not the man I pretended to be.
I lied to her about who I was; that may have been a reason why she allowed my presence within her realm. If I had been myself; I would have been shut down and probably left the moment I met her; I would have only glanced at her for a second and I was gone never to return and no one would have cared regardless.
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She had great meaning to me; I had no meaning to her.
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She did play me tho; but I think it was out of excited fear. I dont think she ever liked me or appreciated me coming up to her house or spending time with her. I was not her first choice.
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I did like her; but I believe that was because I saw her as innocent and damaged and helpless. However, that helpless quality she had; it came from being a sociopathic personalty; not from trauma... She was looking to change anything≥ She did not have any problems; nothing.
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As I write this and hypnotized dozing off; I realize How much power she had over me... And it was all contrived and fake... But; Im still blaming her so I know something is not right with the Im writing about it.
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She did not have the depth I claimed she had. Looking back; she wanted an alpha male. I was no alpha male; I was more like a little kid inside.
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She simply did not like me... And their is real proof of that and thats the proof I have to continually look at so my head doesnt lie to me. And their is grieving in that. the problem was; I was not her first pic and actually I was never any pic; I was just some skinny little kid showing up at her house. And that actually didnt last very long; a few hours...
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She could never be the kind of person that could be with me; she was not a human being; and thus I was out of luck. However; the child brain in me did not seem to want to accept it; Im not sure; maybe she was just like my mother and I was saving my mother; thats what I thought... and I was molding and being friends with my mother. I guess thats what happened. But it meant nothing to her and had nothing to do with her original plans and I had no idea who she was. She turned out to be horrifically arrogant and horrible; like my mother; but I had gotten horribly attached to her; like someone I would marry and be with for ever... I mean; I thought she would be my life and my best friend and my first love that I would take care of for ever. Now; I think she led me on; knowing I was interested in that part of her that appeared innocent and helpless. I think she contrived all that. in fact I know she did. she was not interested in being innocent or helpless.
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I was foolish.. And I didnt know. And I didnt know anything about women.. Women dont love anything; maybe kids; that it. Women use men for material things to survive and thats all... Once the man is caught; She has children by him because he fits some requirements; thats that; even sex may disipear for good. She got what she wanted; she stayed thin and wearing sexy makeup and clothing and acting and saying the right things up to a point of marriage; but once married and with children; all gone. everything. The fake ritual is over.
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The point is the attachment and attachment style I had with her... very deeply and excitingly addictive was she. IT hit me at the most deepest levels of my soul. And thats the problem; it was contrived on her part to do so; I fell for it; I never met anyone who would want to led someone on like that just to destroy them to the point of suicide... And thats what she did. But looking back at where this person came from and her off spring. It makes perfect sense. I was around murder's... The basic types... dont know if they ever murder'd anyone or not; I dont know. But they were evil... and I ignored it completely... And acted like I could do anything; be around anyone. I was going to save her... But she never asked me to save her and she never claimed she needed to be saved; and as Ive mentioned in blogs before; she did not hate her parents even tho they were sociopathic around her... They acted completely fake and soon after I met her and her and her mom put me in my place why laughing at me; She begin acting fake...
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The hardest part is; she didnt want me... Thats closer to the truth of it.
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So; what Im writing about or working on is the acceptance that she didnt want me... She really didnt want me... and thats where it ends between her and me; I was never really wanted; but I didnt seem to know that; I had this big scenario in my head of her and me. And in reality; she was just nodding her head and going along with things a bit... it was of no real importance and she wanted better then me... I was like at the bottom of the barrel for her.. and soon she let me know it.. actually from the beginning she let me know it and all the way through I could feel it.
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So; I was let go; I was never wanted; I was never really wanted. In the end she could care less who I was or if she ever saw me again; meant nothing to her.
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The big point is; I need to be scared of people like this; this type of person is not my friend; What am I thinking about; why was I their... I thought I had a friend; ridiculous..
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Anyway; No one their... Ill have to keep working at this until I accept and understand nobody was their... it was just a stranger who was shocked by me getting to close to her...
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Ill keep writing and talking about her because of that part of me that was innocent that made her my best friend; and I did it because? Ua now; and thats the problem. It was the innocent part of me that saw something about her or in her for that; but I was wrong; I was WRONG. The problem was she was more sociopathic; thats what I saw in her; a lack of soul; but I thought it was some part of her broken and thus making her low self esteem and helpless; But in reality; she was non of those things. She was faking it... thats the other things; she was faking it; leading me on to believe she was innocent and helpless. For what? I dont know! I dont know what any of that was about... I dont know; Im not over it yet; just keep creeping up on it more n more as I regain myself in the present. The goal is to get over her by showing the facts of what she wasnt... So its no loss that I leave her behind. That no one existed in the first place; you might say... Ive got to bring down the energy level I had for her; It was misplaced. ive got to see that Ill be alright just walking away back to where I came from and her life was non of my business. I think she wanted an evil person who was rich. Another spoiled sociopath. And I started to realize this and wanted out... I knew I wasnt right for the job; something was wrong.
What was wrong; I was never qualified for the job in the first place; I lied; thats what happened and she found out and I found out quickly that I was a liar and not qualified to be around her... And thats what happened. But I fell for her.
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And falling for her is what Im talking about now because it was a kind of brainwashing and trauma bond.. false bond; bizarre; addictive but not real.. No one was actually like the person I had fallen for. In fact; it was the opposite. I had let someone like a Witch; seduce me... Im not sure why; I wanted it. I wanted someone to take over. I could just rest with a good friend. I was not with any friend; it was a mistaken identity; and I mean that; I did not know who I was with... And I hate dealing with this; it hurts to be so wrong. I hate it; its like betraying myself every time I write this tuff; but some part of me just has to see it in a way that is not true... And I wont stand for it...
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Its crazy...
I have to remember; this person did not know me. did not any depth level and may never have seen me.. She had her reasons for what ever she was doing to destroy me... I think what happened; I lied; she thought I was someone else; and when she found out; she was gone... but brutally... I mean with no remorse. She never liked me or cared. nothing.
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The key to this girl; is or was to let her go because.... Fill in the blanks. Something was wrong... I had no business liking her; thats the problem. And thats what has to be addressed; its not funny... I had no business doing so; I may have been dissociative... Because something triggered me...
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This is not the first time ive been innocent and made mistakes with the wrong people. But something concerning this girl; ive gotten something caught where I was swept away; thats the problem I have to look at. That was my soul; but she was not involved; her soul was not involved; she did not have one; thats the problem; its like pure evil attacks pure innocence... And maybe Im embarrassed about this; This is more like a nice person being taken over by a narcissist who lied; that is closer to what happened here; I was victimized and I didnt even know it; and victimized in a very criminal like bad away and never knew it... until it was 2 late... it was like being destroyed and poisoned at the same time...
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So; Im starting to get it; I was an adventurous little kid and I got caught by a demon.. .like a female dragon... pure evil; but did not know it was an evil creature inside it; But now I do; pure rottenness and pure evil... and I was slain... because thats all evil can do to a nice person; I walked right into evil and I was slain and destroyed... very quickly; think of a spear going through someones body and they are laying on the spear 6 feet in the air the spear through them; that is what happened; but I was a representative of all that was good and from God. I had no idea... I didnt know... and I was killed.. And their it is... Im getting closer to the answer of this... Their was no girl their; just a demon; waiting for me.... I happened to show up into its trap... it didnt even have to work at it; I came right into its layer... And this is much closer to the truth; to take off that frontal imagery; image and got the evil underneath; and that is what God is doing for me... This monster had quit a mask... I mean... I cant describe its affectedness. had me fooled; very very bad stuff here; pure evil; like a walking alligator...
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SO./.
Ill get their...
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IVe been on steam; its great man. Ill have my new gaming computer some time in beginning of November... My monitor will show up here a week I think. Im getting RTX 3060 Ti; so it should show some good frame rates; but I dont anything yet...
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Im having real fun just looking at the categories of games... I mean; I can go through the vid intros and such and really see the ones I really like... And so its great; Im going to have a package of games Im really interested in.
Im thinking to; that at some point; Ill invest in a real gaming mouse and keyboard; dont know if Im dumb enough to get a corsair board. What I mean is; ive been around for a while; the mechanical board part is great; but like 160 bucks or 200 for a keyboard is out... I dont need it; the mouse is different; Ill look into all that and a wheel for the car games and or xbox style controller for the PC and Ill see what other stuff..
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