July 2025
June 2025
New information; a changing attitude…
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First Love; Ive done enough work on First Love that; this person has fallen out of power; her original position with me; For some time now… shes slowly losing power with me and she is slowly turning into more a story for me to learn from; Do’s and donts. However; she is still alive and real to me; way to much; Still; Ill keep working on it with God…
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She is waning in this area of interest power focus and importance; However; she is still of importance; to much importance. However; the gig is up! I know the real power comes from the Universe; and the Universe can help me grow and develop down a God pathway; I don’t need women who live up the street. Im not suggesting I don’t need women; Im suggesting; Not the ones who live up the street that have no real invested interest in me; those who can take me or leave me because I made the mistake of associating with them; assuming they were nice girls who lived next door; What a horrible horrible deplorable mistake that was… Altho this is almost 50 years ago; Im still speaking of the present; because Im just now getting strong enough to come out of my shell. Ive been working on my recovery for a long time… and as I slowly develop; its to accept myself that I can maybe step outside in the real world… Maybe thats all I was ever trying to do in the first place; but I was damaged.
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Im not suggesting this girl when I was young; was not the right (Girl-Next-Door) for the right person; She just wasnt the Girl next door for me…. She wasnt right for me… And for some reason; It took months for me to finally accept the reality… I really was not mature enough for anyone or anything; I was totally destroyed person with no help at the time. But Ive had a hard time letting this girl off the hook; and I think the reason is; after much work on her inventory; I found she was a generally normal young women for a relationship.. The problem has been all my behavior of defense… I wasnt the average person.
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She wasnt the girl-next-door for me! But; I could never accept that let down…
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Oke; Then; Who was she; Well; she was part of a family I was never invited to. The person that actually invited me was her relative; a psychopathic or sociopath conman… and very dangerous because this was a cheat liar thief; a pathological one; very smooth very friendly and open; Women loved him; but he used people and then throw them away pathologically; I mean; it was no game. No conscious; nothing. No remorse on the kind of damage this person must have done to these people. I also new others who worked for him; and then after months; never pay them; nothing; and he would be completely friendly and open about getting them or giving them work at their relatives businesses.. I had a relative work for him because they befriended each other; My relative complained later that he never paid him; I mean; This is a pathological fraud; a sociopath with no conscious; nothing. This is who invited me up to the home with the girl I write about much in these blogs…
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I realized; In a real sense; I was never really invited; I mean; the girl or the rest of the family never invited me; Never told anyone they wanted to meet me; I truly was a stranger who showed up to their house; their fraudulent brother invited me.
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Their brother lied; he gave the impression that altho his sister was my age; He gave an impression that she might want to meet me; as if she was told about me; and that she was a nice down to earth girl… none of this was true…
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and this person ( her brother) and my relative were probably on drugs when they invited me; told me this stuff; both sociopaths…
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So;
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Where Im at now with this situation;
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Half of me is present and Im slowly very slowly learning how to trust God and come back to reality present. Its slow and hard.. But there is movement. And with Gods help; Im learning how to function again…
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Right Now; Im very weak for several real reasons…
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MOTHER…
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I had no mother; She was an authentic psychopath… This person did not want anything to do with me; she wanted to get rid of me. I made a mistake as a teenager and unfortunately deciding to live with her; I talked to her about a girl I liked; I did this once because I never had any parents; I was completely destroyed; it was like talking to a human mangler; a serial killer and or a child molesting sycophant. It was truly like talking to a monster; something from a you-tube crime video… of a serial killer who is alone with their victim. I was never the same after this. It shut me completely down; and I had already been shut down and destroyed before this…
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How am I;
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Well; one area I don’t talk about is my inabilities…
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I have no strength or confidence; I could never open up ever again after dealing with my mother… I was shut down… I had already been through dramatic traumatic horror that injured me socially and psychologically/emotionally. And much worse.
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So; when Dealing with the girl up the street; I didn’t have the strength or confidence; I needed psychological help. I wanted the girl to help me; But she couldn’t…
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I could not tell this girl how I felt; I just couldn’t talk anymore… and this was not the type of person to talk to about that…
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So; what do I do… Was this girl actually weird. No; formally normal; she was average in personality; in the sense; she wanted a boyfriend; she wanted to make out; she wanted me to ask her out and be her boyfriend; she didn’t understand my insecurities and immaturities.
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Its simple; I needed someone else… And that would have to come from God…
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I did not have the ability anymore to talk to people; I was wounded in a way I could not open up anymore; not after traumatized by those monsters; my parents… or false relatives who created these problems.
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The point is; on paper and with sponsors; after working through the events dealing with this girl of the past; suddenly new information and concepts are coming up about me; about my inability to interact with people or to ever tell someone how I felt about anything… Ive been damaged in a way I cant open up… meaning; Right Now; I cant open up; Im to destroyed; scared… something happened to me when younger; to much trauma… way to much sharp edged bladed trauma that destroyed me in certain ways…
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Here I am now wanting to get more stable now in my life; Im in my latter stage of life; in a few years Ill be OLD… Im Old; but Ill be Ancient Old… Technically Im OLD! So; no problem… However; I; with allot of work am now starting to want to come forth a bit into life; Im still damaged. And would like to work with God on the right people and places and things in the real world that I can become more stable outside in life…
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What Im finding; Altho Ive talked about this girl from my past; many times; concerning her behavior and attitude; Now suddenly the problem stems in my direction. Now that Ive worked on her; Im now suddenly forced to look at all of my disabilities… I cant function with a well confidence women in the world; its to sorrowful because I cant keep up and I don’t function…
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Ill need someone who wants to help a broken person with a Good heart that is trying. I don’t know anyone like this. And I was never able to tell someone this… So…
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I guess Im describing the future… Meaning that Ill be learning how to assess myself correctly and then talking to others about my disabilities and that I would need help; Thats who I am… Thats what ill be learning how to do..
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I never had a mother and father; and the outside world; I was injured over n over n over when young; where I could not fight back… and My personality is disabled…
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So; maybe I had the problem and I had the problem. Maybe average people ( Not sensitive enough)are great for average people but not for me…
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Maybe I thought everyone should be tentative about making decisions that help me; and my sensitives… Im starting to see; that many people don’t care about me; and maybe they would do well with other basic people…
Maybe Ive got the problems and I need to be around people that cater to wanting to be sensitive to understanding those problems. And stop expecting anything from the world accept those people God specifically sends my way; leave the other 99.9% alone…
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I cant just go out and meet people that are cute; and say to myself; My; that women is cute; I bet she would be right for me? Well; its never worked…
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Or I never got started on the right footing; Nothing!
This means; its not all about those other people.
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And in the future; what ever is left of it; Im Old now.. Ill be praying about the right kind of people God can send that could help me… and also might want to be part of my life.
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So;
Now Im getting somewhere. Im talking about the areas in my personality where Ive been chewed up and I am damaged; Im talking about getting honest about my introversion and working with the right sensitive people who God brings around that might want to help…
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This puts the problem back on my table and takes it off blaming the world all the time for all things in my life. Im starting to see the glaring problems I have; and I really feel disabled and really can only attract people that can look past and accept all those problems.
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Anyway; Im definitely getting somewhere by looking at my role in things… Im getting more interested in alignment with a higher power that can help me; because its God first; and then through God; things show up; But its co creating with God… and Then I meet new people bacause Ive gone through God and Gods will not mine is in charge…
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So; many changes are occurring in my life. I have allot of help.
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Pride has been a huge problems….
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Expectations based on nothing that exists in the real world; is also a problem… This is a huge problem….
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So…….
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The goals;
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So; Ill continue down this pathway; everything is going in the right direction and things continue to unfold in the Universe
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