July 2025
June 2025
What Im learning!
Im slowly making it through this time period of transition I hope. Im right in the middle of it; Im looking to get ready for that door to open to the next level; This is a big big big important transition; I have no idea where this super-nova is going or the pathways that come out of it what it will be like to accept the loss of the past and moving on from that into real pathways in the present into new areas of life…
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Im slowly creeping the door open to this new Period. Im taking small steps checking the place out…looking at the vast area of change in front of me; The tundra. Im learning how to trust; watch my legs move forward; touch the dry lava bed of the volcano Im about to walk on; walk over… Its all good; God is with me; its a ruff path…
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NOTE: Ill have to ask for help!
A league…
So; I have a specific league; a strange league. I like my league; its unusual and different… Its mine; God will bring people and places and things in Gods pathways… My league has to do with my market value… My market value is the level of my strange league and “that is that”... and Ill work with God to bring the right things into my vortex. And I will see who God attracts into my league… Ill learn to sit peacefully and meditate and see who shows up around me in my imagination and I will work with God imagining what I want and see if it aligns with God and my inner being.
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Im learning Now; That I never communicated anything to anyone when younger; no one knew anything; they knew nothing about me or how I felt. Those I liked or tried to liked or make friends; I wanted to be with; and God let me know; thus; nothing could happen; no one owes me anything… So; Im in my first learning curve concerning relationships; Im learning for the first time how to develop to become a person who can be communicate.. Im learning from the past…
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Im moving out of the past into a new life; This is a very hard thing and Im out on a limb all the time… Learning how to do that is the work Im working on with God…
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When I think about girlfriends or the future; I feel like this time I cant let someone down; Because In the end I let myself down much further then the other person because of my behavior…
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MEETINGS:
So its nice; others; altho much much younger then me; they are starting out as I am in a new life; and its feels really great to have that kind of a bit of a distant comrad-ary.
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PROBLEMS:
FOOD-CANDY; If I keep this up; I wont have to waist for Santa Clause this year; Ill become him; Im eating so much…
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So; having support places to go is uncomfortable to open up in every day after day; the grind doth dusty my life!
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So; Im glad to show up; and keep working at things… It gets tiring but Im just starting; I don’t know how to work with God in a real world trust basis; I mean; REAL WORLD… Ive done good development learning how to manifest things in my young manifestation training life; But Im maturity in that process or willing to go for a more deepening dependent role with God higher power universe; where Im depending on God to help me as I try to work with God through meditation and waiting upon God within Gods vortex. Its all new to depend on God within this newer area of my new development into the next level of life Im creating with God..
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When I didn’t show up for others; I didn’t break their heart as much as I broke my own…
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Im struggling to get on my feet for this realm of present new journey. It will take months. I am getting stronger; but its much like having a broken arm that just got put into a cast. It will take several months for it to heal…
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Im not looking for full healing; I am curious if I can kind of get back on my feet. See if I can be present… At least a bit. I think maybe. However; theirs a difference between being in my apartment and being outside. When I step outside into the real world; my stress level goes way up.. and Im freaked out by to much open space and no outside goals or life.. I start getting really insecure…
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However; Im working with the universe and Ill see what happens…
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The goal with the universe; as Ive mentioned in my blogs; Im now working much more inline with Gods will and not mine.
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How do I get my directions; Well; from my feelings. However; I have no idea how to manifest without my own input… So; I can feel feelings; and they create some honest visuals under God; but how those visuals will be translated into real world people and places and things; I don’t know yet. The problem is; Im very stricked’d, meaning; I cant use my own will; instead; I come up with feeling what feels right inside of me and then I learn to imagine what it means and then work with God in Gods vortex realm and use meditation and visualization of what represents my feelings in the vision of women and occupation and money and hobbies and where I want to live and how and so on……… Car…… Art Work.
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Im working on imagining Im taking real steps forward and back… Slowly building my journey… Practicing with Jesus holding me up!
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PROBLEMS:
I find myself with video games but no rain coat; Literally and practically speaking and figuratively…
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I still have a massive amount of growing with God to do…
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I want to stop and ask; who did this? And ultimately it is me! I don’t like reality or being forced into it.
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So…
Ill work with God on these things… Not totally destroy myself and beat myself up to a point of disordered…
Anyway;
The key is a change of attitude that I get inline with reality a bit and God; Ill work with God on this; so I can become safe and learn to believe in myself again and life I guess. This is a hard one; its forcing me back into my childhood again...amen…
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Going out into the real world; shows me all that Ive lost from the past; all things; my whole life; that is why Im dissociated all the time no matter what steps I take outside; its all to much for my nervous system for me…
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HOWEVER:
What is Great; after working a long time in recovery process; I kind of know the steps with my higher power; On how to imagine Im stepping outside and strengthening my steps; one foot step at a time from where Im at; going to my destination. And then; I must knock on the door of my destination and learn the steps of that… making it through that; I enter; and why am I their. What is my destination outside; where am I going. How do I live outside… How do I live period.
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NOTE; At several times; drugs n alcohol. Drugs was just depraved horrible in human extended experience. Alcohal was an almost retarded departure from reality that just got worse. The ritual was the bar to my apartment in pain n sorrow and to the stores… and escaping to other cities when I had the money to party on booze and other addictions… Only to have to come back again and save more money to do it all over again. I remember the bars as home; they felt safe n warm from reality. Now; I don’t have those things… Now; Im learning how to live again without those things…
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Altho Ive been in the recovery process for 30 years; Im just now; I mean; JUST NOW; starting to wonder outside a little bit; learning to take Jesus and his Angels with me for safety and love and security; take them with me; invite them into my apartment first before I go outside…
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When young; all destinations were stopped because it was pure neglect; I had no place set up for me to go; nothing. So I wondered around in circles or tried to live my life on nothing. Ive ended up several times around people that thought much less of me then I realized.
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The point is; Now; im learning and working with God. Im learning how to work with God to connect to the outside world and where to go and why… That would be the goal. I havent done that kind of thing yet; Im on the 4-front of it… The door is open to explore it and learn how I will function in the student learning level of the outside world… Im a student learning for the first time. The Very First Time on My Own Outside attempting to do it right with recovery and God and a lack of co dependency and no past family systems on my side…
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I will be learning what was never taught me…
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SO;
Im working with God to create steps outside my apartment; Im doing this in my imagination.
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I practice meditation when I can stand it… and the idea is; it teaches me how to feel my feelings without being attached to any thoughts.
Later; I just sit and let those feelings emanate and Ill talk to myself and God on what I think these feeling transform to. For example; right now as I practice this for a moment; I feel sensitive feelings; they transform to Art work. I should be making art work. And I leave it at that. I might feel feelings and think; they are cerebral and sensitive and I see myself meeting a women based on that; She is smart and sensitive… and leave it at that. From their; I have no clue… I mean; I do not know how to manifest this yet from Gods angle; Meaning; A women like this; I will have to show up around such places that sensitive intelligent people hang around. I don’t know! God knows. My inner being knows.
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Meaning; where Im at now; GODS WILL NOT MY WILL: but what then?
I sit in the vortex of God; and I wait; I meditate and I use my imagination to feel or and visualize; I see objects slowly coming into my squared vortex space; these are objects invited by God at my strange league or frequency… They fit at my level… They are not below or above…
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I see them slowly emerging in through the lines of my square; say 20 by 20 feet; Slowly they show up at the corners of my square vortex; and they lowly enter with Gods help and permission and they sit in the corners; they could be careers or occupations or women for romantic relationships or money or hobbies or vacations or experiences of music creation or art exploration.
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NOTE; WOW; I just came up with; or God just slipped in Art Purpose for me ( Art Exploration); Exploring an idea in Art… This is a fantastic reason to create Art; and I saw it as it slipped out as I was writing; because; it was suppose to and it came from the universe; and I meditated today and yesterday; Just saying…. Meaning; taking a kind of scientific approach to examining my interests in a subject matter for art. Meaning; exploring a series of creations of the same subject; really getting into it; thats what it means.
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Back to the writing?
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So; God will float those things; God knows I want; float them into my square and they will materialize; Those subjects of interest within my imagination.
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However; Ive attempted to just kind of imagine this; and well; it didn’t go so well in real time imagining; I wasn't that very good at it LOL! So; Ill keep practicing and remember; I will write stories of being; sitting in that square and imagining the things I want showing up within my vortex… and I imagine with Gods help; I imagine them; and I will write about what I want showing up; what women look and act like that I want; or my change of attitude about creating things or a new car or money or lots of things. Anything I want; but I will align such things and thinking with my higher power… and just feel and see where those feelings fit; how to describe them or where I find things or places in the world that would represent them. Thats what im slowly moving toward right now; The door is open and Ive done this specific kind of thing at-least 1 time now.
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NOTE: Coming back to reality means being in my own league… Not someone elses. Im old; and if I want someone really young; NO! I mean; Lets get real about this; Ill take things to God and see who God brings me.. And I have to stay out of it.. I cant manipulate anything with my false imagining side. The reason; Ill not get real about it; I wont be down to earth. If Im average; I attract average… I may not like it; but Leagues are a real thing. I have to work with God on this to learn to let go and let God and let Gods decisions flow… flow into my life!
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This is just start for me; this specific area of movement forward…
Ive talked about this in this blog and maybe in the last blog;
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I practice footsteps with Gods help in my imagination; I practice them as if Im outside creating a pathway. I work with God on where the pathway goes.. I practice with God on creating the area I end up in; the finish line; maybe a house with someone in it; What am I doing there? I will practice interaction skills in my imagination… I will practice entering the home and talking with others. I will keep imaginating what I'm doing their; what purpose or goal; what am I doing their… It will be a real world representation of my feelings into concrete; something real.
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Im very stoked about finding next level Art purpose… As I mentioned in this blog…
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This is so very important to find; its like finding a needle in a haystack…
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It just was uncovered as I was writing it; it was a jewel sent to me from the universe…
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Im finding; as my frequency rises; my value as a person increased; my healing; new things show up at new levels.
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HERES WHATS IMPORTANT:
Im doing the work by myself + God!~ We are creating my life together. I am co creating my life with the universe… And their it is… and its hard and scary; Im taken back to memories in my original young life were my life was snuffed out; all development destroyed in front of me…
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Now; with Gods help I am slowly rising? I guess. I will simply work with God to get better.
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FIRST LOVE;
As its continually brought up to me by Jesus Christ when I talk to him. Jesus has told me many times and continues to tell me. “ SHE OWES YOU NOTHING: YOU DID NOT ASK HER OUT”. PERIOD!
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It hurts to hear that; but as my man sanity wants to come back to me; That is the main game; If I did not ask someone out; I did not loose out; I had no relationship with them. Thus; nothing exists… Thats where the real hurt lies… However; In my delusional thinking; Ill blame her and the rest of the world for not understanding… However; it really is not the problem; the problem is the support I need on my side of things… Sanity is something I have not been apart of for a long time. Sanity fixes most of my problematic thinking.
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At some point Ill start over; And; I am now starting over officially; Ive been starting over for a while now; Because Ive been working on this subject for a long while and; good-that I have; slowly over time; the truth is revealed as I continually ask God for help over n over over.
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Its hard; but the truth sucks and it hurts; but I don’t get what I didn’t earn. I can go back to God and have God help me; even now in my old age; learn how to ask out women I actually like or want. Im like a scared 7 year old who cant budge; I just cant ask out women; when it comes to women I like… I freeze up like a 13 year old. So; Their it is; and thats what I have to work on. Its hard; O well! Ill work with God on it; breaking down the problems; one piece at a time and learn to have Jesus help me conquer this. Its never been conquered; instead; I just dropped out of life completely at an early age; I gave up went my own way and never came back.
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First I have to trust God in this process and imagine God is with me when I go outside. Ill start with that.
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SO; DEALING WITH FIRST LOVE ON THE IDEA I NEVER ASKED HER. I NEVER ASKED HER OUT SO……….; I DONT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER OR NEVER HAD ONE; I never had anything with her. Delusion… Help me God; help me!
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This is a completely missed situation Ive never dealt with; This whole side of things; opening this up; I can see; This is where the hurt is; it really hits home where the self worth or self annihilation is… This place of delusion; Things Like creating relationship out of strangers I never had legal relationships with.
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Ive never dealt with this reality before… So; Ill be asking God for help on this to open this up; hopefully to come back to reality from my Disney fantasy life channel delusions… Amen.
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If I knew the girl liked me or likes me and I thought; I would like to like her; NOWAY; I mean; I did try this once; I asked for a phone number from a women once; but did not mention she was cute; instead; it was like; a person from one of my groups I attend; could have sounded like just a person in the group asking people for some phone numbers; never clarified what I wanted; WHY? Because I could have been shot down immediately and I just could not take that… Why? I don’t know why! Humiliation; being brought back to reality; I don’t know. I didn’t have the market sexual value in the market place I thought I did; I simply don’t want to know; it scares me way to much to come out of my fantasy thinking to get slammed in reality…
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I think Im an 11 year old emotionally in all of this… So; Ive had no men around to show me anything on how to live and grow up; didn’t when I was young. Had no guys on my side; I was all alone. So; I had nothing… I learned nothing; but I had support…
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SO; Ill talk to God about this.. and see what God will open up for me.
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ART; Its so great that God brought me an answer to strengthen this process of Art. Im a kind of scientist explorer type; experimentation only; I want to apply that kind of personality to art! And so I am so grateful God brought that to my attention…
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I was at a meeting and began to write new stories about walking out of my apartment to a destination; I saw God and Gods angles go with me and others who are on my side. I ended up in a house of God in my imagination; and bowing down to God; I met others and was taken out another door crossing a field or road system; to another building and within the building more social situations; God with me and Gods angels protecting me… all the way ; holding my hands because Im only 4 within…
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So… Their it is; its starting; we will see where all this goes…
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