July 2025
June 2025
Lots of discoveries occurring.
Where to start.
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God is creating all kinds of new things and avenues.
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First things first; I speak at a lot of recovery meetings; open up and share; and at times; bad people are in the audience listening and I must remember these things... I still get bugged or targeted; people with no boundaries or narcissists or sociopaths... I get caught off guard because thats what their good at... catching people off guard; thats what their practicing... Whats the solution; stay away from them. Dont be nice; dont go near them; wake up. When they do show up around me; run. Jump over the top of them and run the other direction always; no contact; no hellos; nothing.. Walk 20 feet away from them at all times if I find myself around them. Go around them; get out of there.
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Discoveries and things.
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Lets talk about my best fake friend when young and the girl up the street I loved.
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I almost dont want to talk about them anymore because they are legally past tense. The reason they never called me or stayed friends with me is because they were using me. They were never friends of mine in the first place.
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The reason they ever continued to be friends with me is because I kept calling them. They were not friend types.. But I made them into it; I was attracted to those kind of people for some reason; What ever it was; it was no good... Meaning; it was weird.. I thought I had friends with these weirdos. Why did I ever associate with them in the first place. That is a growing questions and it seeks answers...
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Answers;
I was lonely and had no home life or family or family life. I did live in a house someone else bought. I was living at that place for that time period.
The people I mentioned live up the street in both cases.
They had great value to me; to much value.. I shouldn't have give them that much value; I should have walked away. I should have never gone near them or there homes in the first place. Im learning. They were never friends of mine; I was being played.
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So; God sent a message to me.. " Omnicell"; Why are you hanging out with weird people like this.. Why not learned to apply yourself to something,. And this message came to me a few days ago...
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What does this mean; it means; I was lonely and all alone; no family. And I was avoiding... I was avoiding the home life I had or didnt have; the life that had been up rooted.
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So; God separated my thoughts concerning those people and separated them from me. I with God; and those 2 separated from me.. I do not need them.
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I looked at those 2 people as Gods... I treated them like they were God... and when lost them I felt destroyed inside like was worth nothing. I felt large areas of my personality gone. I had looked at them like they were my savior...
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They did not turn out to be friends of my mine because they never claimed to be friends of mine. They never called me and never met me and never went out of their way to know me or meet me...
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If I had stopped calling them; that would have been the end of my association with them; they did not care... And when I did call them and they did want to hang out; it was not for the same reason I did. I needed them; they did not need me.. They had much less interest in me as I did in them. They had no interest in my value; they were never thinking about me in the first place.
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They never thought about me because they were thinking about themselves and their own lives. I didnt exist; but I never knew that. God knew it. I asked God; why did you send those people to me. God told me. " I never sent them to you and I never sent you to them". And that baffled me. What was going on? I was lonely and out reaching desperately to the wrong people. I was actually reaching out to anyone... And thats the problem. Thats not how to handle a situation. I never asked God during that time either.
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The played along; and didnt care. I thought they were like me; How wrong could I have been. They had no conscious; whats strange or interesting to me is how I could have found the same kind of people.
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Ive done it before many times...
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I didnt know...
The problem is " me". and who I was before I started; started toward those people to inquire who they were and get to know them. I should have never got to know them. Now I know better; I was worth so much more; and allot more than that; they didnt think so because they never cared in the first place. I was barking up the wrong tree; these were the wrong people to hang with completely.
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I made them out to be good people; I was completely wrong. I mean; I was completely wrong. And this has to be looked at. One problem was; I was thrown away and had no one and it was easier to meet these people than regular nice people because nicer people were not free like this.. I would have had to have done more work.
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I failed to appreciate how evil these people are. I acted like it didnt matter and I could feel my way through it and be OKe. Well; it didnt end that way... and it did end and I was thrown out on both occasions...
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These were mean mean people. Meaning; callas and heartless... I had no business around people like this. They weren't even people. monsters or the making of monsters..
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What I needed to do; I needed to apply myself to something else; maybe math Tudor or something; study math in school and get good at it; that kind of thing. Get a life; my own life. Work with God; get my power from God.
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My real friends would show up that actually valued me... When I was doing something worthwhile... And so I have to learn how to do something worthwhile.
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I was literally written of by this scum and their families because of no value. They saw nothing in me...
What was I doing?
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So; what is God showing me now. God is starting to allow the real decent thoughts to come back in me as if I come from a family. now that Im getting rid of past false friendships; people just using me for sport. Now; Im getting rid of their memories and vanquishing them from in front of me...
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Im learning to depend on God and no other for my energy; and in front of me is an empty plate; no one to the left of me and no one to the right. Its cleared. a cleared room; no friends; I have God and now I talk to God... God is telling me to apply myself to things.
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I was never doing anything in school or with my life at that times I had these fake friends.. and the family system I came from; looking back at it; I never knew them. And short times I did interact between them but not by much... Looking back; they were completely strangers.
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So; its so sad.. and I was thrown away or given away...
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So; with this new life brewing... learning how to trust God and apply myself to things...
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As for friends; I cant do it like I did when I was young; it must be different this time..
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God will help me with it.
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God is trying to set in motion at way of life I wanted when young. Im dissociating when Im writing this; as Im writing this...
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Im slowly learning to come back.
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Im starting to feel like the secure person inside I felt at one time when very young; like Im being taken care of... Im starting to feel that way again; and that is from God. So; when Im in a group of people; I have my own identity..
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My identity has to get stronger so I can stand up for myself. It will take time to stretch it open gain. I dissociate when I think about it; but Im working o it.
Im not sure if Im staying what Im wanting to say. I still need help and to be loved until I can love myself. I have to go to the meetings; keep going. I hate it kind of; but Im getting better; but Im not there yet...
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I have more work to do on my development.. at some point Ill be strong enough to feel safe outside again being myself.
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