July 2025
June 2025
One of my on going and major goals is connection with my inner child of my childhood; the real childhood memories and feelings; the innocent ones.
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It seems the adults involved in my destruction; They knew what they were doing on all fronts to destroy a child's life.
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They were evil people; Some of them directly and purposefully set me up to be destroyed and planned on it.
Others had hatred in there hearts for me; but did not know enough about me; they never wanted me around in the first place.
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Either way; almost all remanence of my childhood was erased. As if I never happened...
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I had built a life for myself in my neighborhood. A full life of ideas and hope and friends; all gone.
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Everything was uprooted including the lies of the monsters I lived with.
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Its my goal and the goal of working with the universe to bring me back; bring back the boy in my boyhood; all the memories and who I really am. Remember who I am.
This is no easy task. Its one of the hardest things because of dissociation and the violent nature of being abducted from my own life and then my past erased completely as if I had never been born or had prior experiences. I had nothing to hang on to.
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So; the universe is being asked to bring me back to life. And with it; the moments of my childhood that matter.
ITs disgusting to have to remember being a child and also I'm going to be torn out of my own life at the same time or some time in the future against my will; no where to hide; nothing I can do about it; it was done on purpose.
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I'm working with the universe to have to remember certain things; time I spent with people I thought were my friends or over at friends houses; places I spent most of my childhood; but later these people will turn on me because they were never friends in the first place; nor were there families; I was the nicest of kids. It had nothing to do with my value; its about the evil sadistic spoiled attitudes of the people I was associating with; As a child I did not know; they acted normal. What I didnt know; they secretly hated me and resented me while ever being in there presence.
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Is it possible to fish through the inner slivers of important moments in my childhood that defined me; made me who I am; made me confident and happy and feel taken care of and loved by God and man; is it possible to come back to that part of me.
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Is it possible for me to roam those streets I grew up on and feel apart of them again and not another personality with the original personality buried or gone.
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ITs about personalities; the original personality that existed on those sidewalks and friends homes in that neighborhood was gone for ever; but maybe not; He seems to be coming back.
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I can feel the pressure with in me for him to surface; I can see him and me becoming one and walking down my sidewalks again of my neighborhood again and feeling part of it again and at its level again. As that's where I'm from.
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Can I be from my neighborhood again. Can I be me again from my neighborhood and start over; this time feeling safe in my neighborhood and adapting my original personality and Identity again; getting used to it and from that stand point; starting over; is that possible; Yes; I think so. But this will take much work for there is much grieving and pain and fear.
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However, I'm getting closer; I've been getting closer; but there is a dissociated component and I don't know what it is.
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A part of me is missing and I don't know what it is yet; it could be sexual abuse; and other trauma things that automatically dissociate me regardless.
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No other goal in life is more important then regaining ones life and identity from thieves who stole it and murdered me in the process; it is my life's goal to get it back; get me back in working condition; knowing who I am and where I came from.
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Ill never again allow anyone to get rid of me from my rightful place by character assassination; The people I associated with when young and innocent tried to destory me out of hate. I will not allow that; I will not allow it to stop me from being part of my neighborhood or my past or my identity.
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One problem I had; I remember being in the backyard of one friends house; but I could leave and go back to my house. When I got thrown away; there was no place to go back to... and no recognizable surroundings. I had no safety houses to run to; I had nothing; I had no one to talk to; nothing about anything; its as if I had never been.
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I had no safety anchor points after being thrown away in childhood; they all vanished within a split second.
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In my neighborhood as a child; I had hundreds of Safety Anchor points all over my Home Town; I had all kinds of plans for my future in my Home Town to be part of things. All kinds of wonderful dreams were going to occur in my home town. In fact; I might write them out and start working on them now; to come true. The point is; I didn't need just one place to stay; I mean; I could roam around and find all kinds of people and places and things to develop into and friends to call and visit; and spend time with; and at there homes... and sports and science and drumming and many other things; many many things for a full life; IT was all taken within a flash moment. All of it. I had no defense; I was completely innocent and did not know what a monster was yet.
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I have allot of memories to remember within the house I lived in. Lots of dissociation here. To much. I have to work with God on all this.
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I remember childhood things; I'm also remembering later childhood horror when I wasn't wanted or when I was looked at like I was a bug to be exterminated. Just tells the reader what kind of trash I was dealing with; even tho their were nice houses and lots of nice clothing...; the monsters who lived in them were evil; I did not know all people or all house; I knew kids from my school; and ended up at many of there houses; I didnt know half of them didnt like me; I didnt know; However, I spent allot of time going to there houses; non of them ever came to mine; not really. That should tell the reader something of what I was like. I was enterprising ambitious and out going; but for all the wrong reasons; I mean; I was 5 years old start this. It all started because I had to build and create my own life because I did not have one where I was living. Its pure abuse and neglect is what it is; forcing a 5 year old out into the community to get there needs met; sickening; but thats what happened.
I was just lucky I lived in the neighborhood I lived in at that time; it was a fluke; Ive mentioned this in several previous blogs through the years; My mothers only reason for being in this nice neighborhood was; It was easy for her to walk to work; No other reason. Childrens futures meant nothing to her or my father. I didnt even know my father wasnt financially in charge; he had nothing; he was a completely fraud.
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I knew who I was as a child and want it back; and I want that back. I want all of me back; not disjointed from myself anymore; thats what Im doing in this small town.
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Weight loss; Im finally getting answers to wait loss; God is sending it to me. Basically; anyone that stops eating at some point; will lose weight. Plenty examples of people who fast; and after months and months of not eating; they lose hundreds of pounds; its that simple.
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Im not suggesting Im going to stop all eating; Im making a point. However, one has to exorcise every day a certain amount not to lose muscle mass. Im old and Ive all ready lost muscle mass by being old. Still; bicycling everyday.
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SO; Im getting the message I want. I cant make the process go any faster. The pain and horror is to much... I dont want to stay bitter; I just want my life back; thats what Im working toward.
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Im looking forward to the day I can walk down the streets of my childhood and feel completely normal and start from there to rebuild my life on who I always was. I believe this can happen and is happening.
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After I was thrown away; if I revested a house of a friend; I was ostracized. . and not wanted; suddenly those people did not want me anywhere near them or there lives or there families or there houses. and I was told it was my fault; I deserved everything I got because I was a bad person.
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I had plans for my wonderful future; I want it back; I want to be in control of my life again; I dont want to be defined because of what happened me; I want to start over and be me again; My life has been a set of horror levels of pain and reaction with no life; only hatred sorrow and regret of loss. A loss I never caused. I was murdered. ANd I want my life back.
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One + feature I have concerning my past; Even tho I lost many things; I dont have to get them back because they were never real in the first place. And God replaced those things.. For example; many fake friends; Ive all ready dealt with them and what happened; they are out of my life permanently; thank God. God allowed me to see others I knew from that time period and they show'd up and they wondered what happened to me and valued me and Ive all ready talked to them... So; half the losses in that neighborhood have been completed; dealt with.
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Im learning how to work with the universe to turn thoughts into things.
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Weight is a huge issue right now and Im finally getting the message; lets hope I start following through now... Let it start. This is crazy.
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A part of me is missing; its a dissociative part and I cant get at it. Ill have to work with GOd; its as if that part has no recovery;
This could be the part of me from my original home; The moments in that home. I remember my childhood but also remember I cant go home; I was pulled out of my home. God would have to make me strong enough to remember everything in that home and embrace it and make it a part of me again.
When thinking of my home; I think of the neighborhood and the streets and the houses and roaming and walking on those streets; but when I do I get a sudden flash back of horror that I do not live in that home anymore; thus I have no home in that neighborhood and all things shut down and die and turn to black.
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This is the hard part. ITs like remembering the Titanic; a child who was destroyed on the Titanic and lost all but was with there mother and father and sisters and brothers and all there family on the Titanic. And how wonderful a family experience it was until that moment when the signal was sent out that it was sinking. And when the Titanic sank; it took no survivors. It was the real thing. And the child watches his whole family die in front of him and all his dreams go up in smoke.
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I'm trying to make a point with The Titanic; but some lunatics will say; " Their were survivors from the Titanic!".
And we both know that... of course! I was trying to make a point!
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Even tho I make this point and write all this stuff; it does not change anything or make things happen faster. Getting my original thoughts and memories back of who I am even though I don't live in the area is what is most important. And it takes a brave man to do this; its sorrowful affair.
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However, if I can get my original self back; that kid that used to play in the backyard; I can rebuild my life from that point; and I believe that is what God is doing for me. I have to remember completely who I am from that time period and from that day in the backyard; thus regaining my identity.
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Can I regain self; maybe. I would like to think so; Ill have to give myself permission. or ask God for permission to become that identity again at that level it was at; to get me back... Ill have to work with God on this.
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Starting to get a little reprieve and more of an understanding of the damage of what happened when young.
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Losing weight; Its starting to kick in; the acceptance of what to do about it and what I want; I dont want to be fat anymore.
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Lyric writing; Got to put in my 100000 hours. Put in some time writing lyrics and writing lyrics with songs; and then Ill look at moving forward; its about experience first when it comes to song writing.
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Life in general. When I was really really young; a young boy; I had stability; I thought it was real; that's what counted; so I was building a whole world for myself thinking I had a family and a house and relatives that loved me and cherished me and I thought I had a father and mother that were half way normal that would protect me. So; based on that; I thought of my general future of what I saw with my friends and on TV;
unfortunately I was with child murder's and destroyers of people and families; I was just being set up to being destroyed. I lost everything; completely; lights out; all present things and future things.
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So; now; The idea of stability and protection and starting over; Im working with God to believe this is happening for me.
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One area that is strange; No relatives of any kind and if any blood relatives exist; they were turned into snob strangers.. so they dont exist in my life at all; I meant nothing to them; so they dont exist to me.
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Stability in life is important; I had non... No one wanted me and no one wanted me to come back to my home town. I was not wanted by anyone; if I died; that was fine; if they never saw me again; that was fine.
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They were pure evil; and they were.
However, The goal now; is to work with GOd on goals and work my way back into a life and I think that at a base level this might be happening; or it can.
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Im learning how to stick to things; start things and not give up. Im very much the small child that was thrown away; Im back and as the small child; Im trying to get back on my feet again; ride my bike around and do the things I always wanted to do and did do and continue to do; work with GOd on all of it.
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I have a long way to believe Im safe and going out side is a pleasant thing not a forced thing; I have to work with my higher power.
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Im beginning to understand that as a child; I always prayed for everything I wanted and would want in my future. I had a pure faith in God. Im attempting to get that back.
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Right now its about coming out of my shell and working on the basic things; praying about cleaning up; now that Ive got some answers for my immediate future.
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Bullying is a problem from the past; I have to ask the universe; where am I suppose to hang out; out here in the world; and that comes down to; what am I suppose to do with my life; Art galleries or mathematics or music groups; what am I suppose to be doing and getting into instead of hanging out on a street corner.
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Today; I make a list of all the things I need and want right now and pray about and for each one of them...
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At one time I was under prayer; now Im a bit arrogant thinking I'm above God; and that's the major problem. I have to work to see myself under the things I want to I can look up and pray for them; to let go and have God bringing them all to me; that's what kids do naturally.
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So; Im getting some answers and have been practicing in my head; imagination of the things I want for my life to move forward; God is helping me...
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Again; Ill make a list of all things I want and need right now to practice and move forward with... Ill pray to God about them and practice them in my head and at some-point they will start showing up around me,.
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One center point of pain within my neighborhood; my original house and the houses in front of us across the street and the house down that block in front of us; the first person I ever met at 4 years old lived in that house; This still has weight. I mean; Im still a broken child when I roam past that place; those places on my bike or walk by. I would not walk by. I still long for my past. The goal is; once my life comes back; I dont need to live in the past; they are all just houses and streets and Ill be me and thus; Ill be fine. But not yet; I have to get in touch with the child in me to a point of owning that child; not the past owning that child. That child has to become part of me with me; That means working through the day to day tasks as that child did when young; seeing those memories and feeling them again; re experiencing them again until I can; and accept them and when that happens; and I can do anything that child wanted to do or was doing during that time and I own all of it; all my memories again; I can move on to becoming who I was suppose to become from when living in that house.
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This will happen as many things are already happening and Im getting stronger; but not yet; Im not there yet. Ill have to keep working with God on this and working with my present goals.
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