July 2025
June 2025
I demand from GOd that I get better; and thats exactly whats happening. I mean; in some cases it only takes hours for the universe to help me. Incredible. Im going through it right now as I speak (write).
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FIrst love; More information.
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In order for the Lord; the universe; Jesus; source energy; the vortex; God; the Holy one; the Christ-ess a tombosso -greatness; In, or for the KING to rescue me and take care of me; God has to open my spirit and mind; and that is what is happening.
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Im beginning to feel what happened when I was young with the first girl I loved.
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Ill go through it as I know it; as its being opened up to me.
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First; I loved someone one; why? Because it was open to; what does that mean; there were no walls up for it; the girl played the roll very well; and I fell for it; all of it; it was all sociopathic trickery; It was faked; the sickening part is; the attention to every detail to fake some one; it worked; mis-lead someone. I can still see it to this day; pure evil for the purpose of destroying someone for the thrill. TO murder someone.
I had a problem; I had a specific kind of trauma damage; extremely severe; to my nervous system and self personality; everything; I could not grow on; or grow anymore and it seemed I was malfunctioning right at that point of ( intimacy would be the next step); No more functioning; nothing; No physical abilities past this point; just total internal Kaos and dissociation; Nothing; re living PTSD and completely taken over; no control anymore; but no forward ability. Nothing; cant describe it. My mother was the cause of this; more trauma from her; the psychopath... and I was now extremely mentally ill in specific strange ways. I could not fix myself. The problems i had I had never heard of.
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THe girl( the demon); for God has allowed me to see through his eyes; It wasnt her fault or mine concerning mental illness; this is of the utmost importance. Looking back; the girl did not know what to do. She did not know how to act; I could not function. Nothing. I was not present. It was much more then that; I could not act before this; I mean; I stopped suddenly from being able to get close to anyone. I did it like I was a petrified dead log in contorted positions; I could go no further; it was my mind being ravaged by intense levels of PTSD and dissociation and being destroyed over n over n over n over n over with no help.
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She was possessed by a demon.
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However, A little later; the girl started playing on me as if I was a weakling. And I began to see more things; more sociopathic behavior; she had written me off as a weakling; someone to laugh at. I was devastated and confused and sad.
I had planned on making her my friend; thats not what happened;
I had not met someone that was on my side that was a friend; I had made a big big mistake. She did not turn out to be anyones friend.
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I was devastated for several reasons; First; This person was filth. Secondly; This was not someone who cared about me? Her sociopathic behavior; She was just like the people who were destroying me; that I came from. My God; how did I get into this?
She couldn't have been serious about me; impossible. I was led on by a spoiled pathological rich kid; and it was a joke because this was a cheap opportunist with no conscious. Nothing. Thats how it appeared at first... It will be much worse later.
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This was not someone I could save? This was not someone in trouble as I had thought? This person did not need to be saved; there was nothing wrong with her!
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This was someone who was playing me? This was someone who had no remorse or conscious; Nothing. This was an actor.............
And much worse; sadistic... especially when she thought I was a weakling because I did not follow through. This was nothing but an animal. This was a sadistic predator; a monster.
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I had fallen for a sadistic sociopath? O No! O GOD! How could this be happening.
I couldn't fight back; I had no idea what to do. How could I fight back; the violence was in the form of relational psychological and sadistic personality rape and allot more then that..
I was going to be attacked; meaning; the way I was being shamed or brow beaten; made fun of; laughed at sadistically; in a sadistic nature. And much more then this; It was fun n games; or thrilling for the person. This was a pathological monster...
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I watched the persons behavior a little later; and I started to purposely play weak to see her response; and to my sadness she tried to competitively outdo me.
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This could not be someone I liked. Who was it I like? THere was no one there; just a sociopath; no future. No nothing. No friend of mine; she tried to damage me if she could; psychologically and later having others use violence against me. She was not a friend of mine. I dont think she would ever really be a friend of anyones ever. But I could careless about that.
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I had no idea what type of person this was. I didnt know; I made a mistake... I made more then a mistake;
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The person tried to destroy me out of hatred for someone weak... sadistically . This was a wrong choice for me to have ever gone up to there house. I was devastated that I had made a wrong choice. Thats what kills me now even writing about it. My God; how could I have done this to myself after all id all ready been through. I didnt mean to; did I? I guess I didnt care; I was blindly moving along!
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Why couldn't I have woken up to the fact that I cant just randomly meet people this way; I have to know anything; something about them first to make sure they are safe people. Something.
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The other issue was; I was not functioning. I mean; I was in serious serious trouble. I was not functioning in the school system and could no longer function in interactions with others; no one cared. Being in this serious of condition. This girl was a monster... Just like the people I came from; I was used; I was so sad; so sad because
I had fallen for it; the fake mask of the sadistic sociopath... I never saw it at first; I didnt know this evil person had an agenda. No hope for me; no friend or best friend. Nothing. No-one any where. This would not be my friend.
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And I could not function. The functioning part; I did not know what to do; no one cared about me; no help; nothing.
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Help will not come until Im 20 years old when in the dark basement of my grandmothers house; I will finally go outside after a year; go to the nut house and get evaluated. and thats where the beginning of mental health begins.
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I always loved that girl; but there was no girl to love; there was no girl! my feelings or thoughts betray me... And has been the most devastating part. Non of my memories or thoughts were accurate. I kept wanting to think she needed me and was a lonely broken girl that loved me; Non of it true.. Nothing. all lies by her; lies to myself. I was broken a million times over.
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But; My physical behavior; I could not function. And that at first; I thought it was the trauma from this sociopath; but it wasnt; it was from before; it did not come from this criminal. I was destroyed long before that.
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ANd as God reveals these things to me and I expose and open up the truth more n more here; and at meetings; Im getting decidedly better; and Im getting better in the deep abyss where I was dysfunctional most of my life.
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ITs insane to get better where I had no hope most of my life; Its beyond everything. Its another Miracle from God. Its a little. And PTSD is always present when ever I move; body memory and thought memory. When my thoughts expand and move; they trigger PTSD; when my body physically moves; it triggers PTSD. So; any movement of any kind.
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The point is; Im more resilient and stronger right now. Im seeing that gap were I could not function and that girl attacking me viciously with all her might; pure hatred as if I was a small animal to destroy. It wasn't done with physical but it was done with everything else she had at her arsenal; she knew I liked her; she had set it up that way... I fell for it not knowing anything sinister was happening.
It may have been and more probable that I was groomed and charmed in a away into believing I had a chance with her; basically to set me up to destroy me; much like what Serial killers do. Im afraid thats what it was; and thats all it was. And this wasnt kid stuff; it was serious business to destroy someone. Pure contempt for the human race; pure hated against humans. Its a thrill for these type of evil people.
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I wondered why she didnt have other boyfriends. And now; looking back; I think she had boyfriends the whole time; I was to naïve to understand what was going on. Sadistic monster.
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Later she will turn into a complete sadistic monster; someone I never met the first time I met her. She completely changed 100% percent because thats who she really was; she did not hide her true nature after awhile. . I had been gone by that time; I was so devastated; and I feel it right now; it was no different then dealing with my mother; same trap... I was so destroyed from trauma. discouraged and confused.
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Looking back; Im completely devastated. Im mad because I loved this girl and she was faking it; all of it. And my feelings were real because she was so convincing; and it was all an acting job; Im assuming shed used it before; and she used it on people that meant nothing to her; just suckers she picked up somewhere; victems she could get away with it. But at that moment; that point; I could go no further; and that had nothing to do with her or anyone else in front of me; that was from the sever trauma damage of the past; I could not function at all; nothing. Nothing. So I could go no further.
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And God is helping me right now to understand how sick I was and it had nothing to do with her; the girl; nothing. She was not to blame for this part of anything. nothing. And I didnt know this. ITs a sobering thought.
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And for the longest time; I needed someone to blame because all of this was over my head. Who the girl was and what she did. What she may have been like doesnt mean anything; it means nothing. And as I gain some personal power back in the present; I care less and less about her or who she was; she was just a ghost in a machine.. Just another one that doesnt matter. useless and worthless. another mark on our society that helps to destroy the place... Thats all she and others like her; thats all they are; scars on the landscape. A pure evil low life broth; a poison silently waiting for someone to fall into and never come out of.
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As for me; I'm actually showing signs of facing that gap in myself; and even some movement; Its incredible; I feel like someone right out of the Bible that Jesus came to; touched and cured... saved; because; that's exactly what happened.
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I am getting better....
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Im not sure how to discribe my situation; feeling safe from the past; The girl from the past; underneath her was a demon; thats all that was; and Im seeing that horror for what it is right now; and its all on a big big TV screen; like a giant movie theater outdoor screen from the 1960's and 1970's.
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And whats great; Im seeing some of what I could never see before or face; and its all just turning into a movie screen; a screen that is playing its worst the worst it can throw at me; but its not able to touch me because its to late; Its a movie now; just a movie screen; and Im walking by it right now; I can see my shadow on the screen at the bottom; the screen is about 40 feet tall 60 feet wide; and its blaring and playing and Its just a movie on a movie screen; I can walk around freely in front of it or by it and walk away from it; but it cant hurt me; Im starting to heal in that gap. Its just another PTSD screen now! And God gets the credit for all of this!
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So; Ill be asking God for more n more.
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Music Goals;
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Out of 10 goals; Ive accomplished experimenting with 2; and Ive fooled around with the next one a bit;
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I feel a bit more present writing this; Im seeing more n more; little by little Im making headway concerning this monster when I was a teen; This sociopathic predator; and more n more this person is looking like any of the other monsters of that day that caused me great problems... more then that; I was slayed and destroyed by them; its not a game; they are like bears on the inside; they eat whats in front of them; like any other murder for sport; thats all it is; hunting; thats all it is for them;
More n more; looking back at the persons family; Im wondering how I could have walked right into it; it was so obvious kind of.
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What got me so freaked out was the understanding by the child in me that the child knew what this was; and went into shock. This was another predator and was trying to set me up and destroy me. The same vicious intent. Looking for victims; and in my case; I walked right to them.
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Im still damaged; Not trying in the least to suggest anything other wise. Ill be damaged for ever; but thats not a problem; Im used to it; just as long as I can continue to get better; and I think that will happen.
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Im not over this first love by a long shot. Ill keep unraveling it and God will continue to help me slowly let the poison out; for more n more; now I know what happened and what I was dealing with; just another monster.
I have to know and wake up to the feelings of why I allowed myself to be around someone like that in the first place; thats whats really got to be looked at... And as I get closer to the truth and God helps me; thats what will happen; Ill start healing from that part of it.
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So; what this person was; was a monster; one more monster added on to one more and one more and one more; and on n on n on within my life frame.
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THE universe is helping me come to grips with this horror show... And to come to grips that this person I wanted a relationship with was actually a monster who had tricked me and cohered me in in order to destroy me.
of course; I looked up to God wondering why I was so worthless that I had to go through all this horror with these psychopaths...
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God is slowly opening up the past so I can see it for what the innocent child in me saw all along. But could not tell me because the child in me was 2 young and silenced... or silenced; could not speak.
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THe universe; by opening this up; and letting me feel and see what I could not at the time; because it was 2 much for me; to see the truth; it actually sets me free because there was no one there I believed was there. No one existed as I thought; it was a monster hiding under a human physical form; a demon. And thus; What did I lose; nothing. I lost nothing here. This was a monster. In fact; when I see it for what it really was; ill not want to ever remember this ever again. And that's what's kind of happening now. And started happening awhile ago.
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This was just a sociopath I got used by. Dismantled by. In there own way; they attacked; I mean; I haven't said everything here; but it was a game and they finally became who they really are and attacked sadistically in there own way. ANd then I never saw them again; and I never wanted to.
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It took along time for me to see that the fake outer appearance was not real. That is and was the hardest part. And still is; but the universe is helping me with that.
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Im hoping with time I see this trauma for what it is and slowly forget or get to the fortunate place I have with all the other betrayers; pathological fakes; monsters I dealt with; that this monster demon becomes nothing... and I move on.
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CHurch; someone mentioned church to me; I found it silly for them to mention such things to me; However, online stuff showed up and Ive been watching it.
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As for the first girl I fell in love with; GOds battle not mine; as it slowly unfolds and I see the demonic workings of from the start; I turn to God for help and to battle that battle for me; that is GOds battle; not mine. I was not suppose to walk into the enemy camp he would battle. I walked into a field of demons.
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Most things are demonic battles these days; and they are GOds battles; I dont have to worry about them. I give them to the universe and God and let God battle them. Its on every side; every side battles to keep the demonic away from me from the attack.
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I can see a world trying to shame me to death; evil. Persecute me; evil; pure evil.
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all of it is evil.
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SO; God takes the battle of evil. It is Gods battle; I dont have to fight it. THere is a fight; and its between good and evil and God and evil... God is protecting me from the evil; from the seductress, the the astrologers; the evil one, battle is GOds on all fronts.
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