July 2025
June 2025
Blog;
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The half way point has been met; its only a matter of time now. Ive been able to handle the losses of the past and patches of my mind have come through into the present as if I had no past; nothing… purely here now! No focus on something deep in my mind or memories of loss; from the past. This However; concerns those who tried to destroy me when young who set me up in false beliefs about relationships I assumed we were building; who were faking me out; setting me up; fooling me… They had no concious; monsters.
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NEVER GOING BACK;
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Im already changing!
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Im changing into the new…
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What does this mean?
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This means Ill be coming into the present; I already am; ( For Real!); It means Ive been able to deal with the slowly changing lose of the past; and thus getting rid of each level of it, after earning the right to let it go as I work through the trauma sadness and grief of appeared loss.
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In some of this; I was lied to; I was -frauded; both I and God; Fooled. Someone was completely fooling me; in fact; several or numerous people; I had no idea… Well; those kinds of people are sociopaths; they don’t care who I am; Im just being used by them; they see me as a distant object they can run into the ground or destroy; they have no feeling one way or the other; they see weakness when they see me; and that despises them. And they laugh at me; thinking being a human being; Im a weakling.
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Note; This is going on because Im 2 young to know better; I still think the world is a giant sitcom from TV…
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God has been taking care of me…
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Im legally or literally moving back to self now; With past people and places in things of significants to my mental health; They are disintegrating in my imagination; I am beginning to see pure “ Present-ness”; meaning; Ive broken through to the other side; Not completely
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This means they are of no value anymore… In my mind; God is helping me get rid of them; Like bug exterminators getting rid of Ants…
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My mind; my life; is slowly being brought back to me. Those that created lies about who they were; and their interest in me; who fooled me to my demise… They have left!. I am now cleaning up what ever resistance still remains. Its a dying cause for that faction ( enemy); that chooses to continue to fight to keep space in my head; It is no longer wanted and is almost; “ NO LONGER”!
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I get triggered in the most hideous ways by these ghosts of the past that still live in me. They are up close and intimate and personal. This means The real persons, they were up close and personal with me as if close friends or future prospects for relationships; and all of this “ Up closer and personal” They were all fakes; every inch; not only against me; But against God. For God was trying to help me… And they destroyed that process… God did get me out of there; but not unscathed. I was destroyed and personality raped and ruptured. No more functioning… Not present anymore and to weak to ever be in any real relationships ever again.. Weakened. Destroyed.
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However; Im not dead yet; I still get another chance; Now! Atho Im an old man. I have the ability tho! God has given it to me; the ability to be interested again with a good attitude.
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And so; Im working on a Relationship work ethic; That means; As soon people from the past are gone from my conscious; meaning; Ive moved on from the past using several various long term techniques for that purpose with lots of support and Gods continuous help; That means at some point when I finally break through where Im fully in the present and those people and memories are no more; Im not interested in them anymore; I don’t focus on them anymore; I move on; When that actually happens; a new life starts and I create under God a work ethic; A work ethic for building up the ability to create relationships. Its a skill; Like learning how to be a concrete guy or a carpenter; Skills! Its a kind of set of working skills and discipline that is required to find and successfully introducing myself to relationships.
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I was thinking of a plumber; their expertise.. They can take on a job; find a job advertise for a job; and complete a job… They have a work ethic; they are trained.
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I will be trained in relationship seeking… The experience of experience in this area until I go from a place of lack to journeyman.
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I have allot of work to accomplish here; to gain this Relationship work ethic… This is something I can rely on… depend on. Something I get trained into through knowledge and experience; Starts with God. This is an areas where I am lacking completely. Im not sure when the real me ever learned anything; Ive been shut down in a dissociated protective mode… never here; never awake; always dissociated. Relationship ability is completely lacking…
First; Id have to get strong enough through God and recovery; and that is happening; and that is the first step. This includes getting rid of the past and that is happening. When the past is completely gone; God can work with me on the present; and that miracle is happening..
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So; its a matter of time before I come out of this; However; treacherous is still ahead; its not over yet; More deeper levels have to be faced and cleared out; its no fun. Its trickery. Its false information of people that never loved me; they where lying but playing the part and the small child in me believed them; God hooked on what they were promising through their body language… And these perpetrators; predators, monsters; they were laying in wait for someone like me… They led me in very cautiously to make sure the trap would not be sprung until much later when I was suckered in completely.
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Im not there yet.
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Im at this place… Of taking new steps forward… Im still on the battle field; the war is not over; its just taking new turns and moving forward…
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Looking to develop back to basic level connections with society; general regular society levels…
Not their yet.
I was thrown away when a boy; whole childhood was dissociated; devoid… I now see that. So; what do I do… So then, Im completely thrown away in 5th grade; and from there it all goes blank; I have no more development; I will go through just horrifying things that no one should ever experience… Sad…
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So my mind and life will be torn apart… I will be broken beyond this reality… and not here anymore…
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NOW;
Now I have a chance of facing these things and moving forward with my life and my recovery… However; I have to start at the beginning. The beginning is my life as a child in childhood; and I have to feel and be their once more; and then go from there and work with God to recreate a whole new life.
And this aint easy; its not easy going back to that street and that time period; this is before I get thrown away or know about it. I still think these people are taking care of me or love me or will help me with my future at that time when I was a younger boy. I have no idea who these people really are.
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I have to get before that ( before I was thrown away); way before that with Gods help; My identity; and work with God on it; with my original self; and go from there… amen.
Our partner
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