July 2025
June 2025
Altho Ive written allot. It came to me.
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With the help of exposure therapy;
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OKEY;
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So; My social inability and anxiety is surrounding the abuse of many people that led me to extreme fear of being around people and trauma bonding of many of these people; from one to the other..
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Suddenly I see myself in my backyard as a kid; and right at that moment Ill start to develop the next level social skills to do well in life with people; I think about 9-10 years old; in school; with friends; with activities, with girls my age at the time; However; suddenly its over for me before I can develop myself. Thus the terrorist act of the psychopath against children... My life and identity and future ruined... Im erased..
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Because ive been getting better and healing; Suddenly I see myself at that age or place again; but Im like; Im actually at that place; Im healed up a bit; more than just a bit. But; I have to go from that place. Can I talk to women; maybe; but probably not. I need much training from that time period to grow and develop and it can happen with safe people. Ill have work with the universe on getting the right plan for the situation that I can grow to the next level socially from that time period.
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Looking back; I was laughed at and bullied by everyone and everything. I was bullied by the women I loved or cared about or respected; I never thought about it; but I was humiliated and laughed at by them; and that traumatized me to the point of becoming catatonic in freeze mode all the time...
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Now; just barely understanding as I rise above trauma bonding...; Im beginning to understand those people who laughed at me were not Nice people. I really looked up to those people; maybe I felt real shame because I was trauma bonded by them and thus my self esteem was ruined and I looked up to all these abusers.. And maybe if I can get over these people by distancing myself from them within my mind... meaning; I have them in my head and nervous system as abusers that control my nervous system and my movements...
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Ive been doing allot of writing on people and subjects to the point that Im getting to a more deeper leveler of what I really thought of them. Thus; they are not so powerful anymore; not as much; Im seeing a deeper underlined system controlling me set in motion by these so called " friends". They were never friends; they were people controlling me through fear or intimidation of some kind... They were never my friends.
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TRAUMA BOND.
Im shocked at the level; the deep level of trauma bond with these people. I mean; They were basically all the people I knew. Meaning; the choice or select people I knew who I considered people I wanted to hang out with; I did so under the rules of trauma bonding. I was trauma bonded to all of them. Thus; they were all abuser or bad people; who else would be picked... I did not have any friends other than trauma bond creators in my life. I assume thats why Im so deeply affected by them or leaving them. Like its the end of the world... Or Im scared to death of violence associated with them...
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So; Im getting it.
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Ive got allot of work to do; lots of it; but; Ive gotten to at least one level of reality... I know reality and know the sickness of trauma bond associated with these people that have controlled me... So; Im starting to get out from under their pull and intimidation... Where; they are everything and I am nothing.
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However, I'm a very over ran sick mentally ill person who is beat up from the street up and week. and Im not sure how to proceed.
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Exposer therapy at a more detailed planned level... keep a record of things.
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Im so ashamed and embarrassed. but I have lots of AVPD problems surrounding women; anxiety from hell..
Ive had such bad things done to me... humiliated to the point of avoidance and fear... And so I have listened to some tapes or vids on exposure therapy; they idea of what thought do I want to fight to keep present; the bad one or the good one associate with the subject matter.
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I have to learn how to bring out good thoughts when dealing with women. oKe; I mean; I can see it; im mentally ill in this area and trauma bonded. So; I have to get re programmed. Im thinking; How?
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Where do I start. Ill pray about it.
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Communication;
Im starting to get in touch with the lower me; the deeper me at or beneath the trauma problems level. Im starting to trust the present again.
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Im beginning to want to communicate again with people.
With women; I never communicated with them; ever. told them nothing.. ever. never trusted them; not after my mother; grand mother and fake best friends mother; NO WAY; Im never talking to them ever again.
The problem was; I didnt realize that meant all women. Well; OKEY. However, I didnt really mean all women. But I did; but I didnt... I didnt realize I had put myself into a tracker beam for the rest of my life that would never allow me to get close to women ever again.
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I was completely realistic about never associating with the kind of worthless scum I had to deal with when young;. but I forgot a plan that would allow me to deal with nice people; Nice women who were like me and on my side; I forgot about them and I forgot about the plan to interact and communicate with them. Now I want things different.
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So; Im nowhere near fixing any of this but I have made changes. And Im more able to talk now. Now I just have to learn how to work with the right people and open up to them and practice.
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Im thinking more educated people at a higher level working with God on all this stuff.
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Im still damaged and still dissociative; so; I have damaged areas I cant talk about; but ive got a better chance of it today.
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A wall exists between me and the women I find attractive or want to sleep with or think are hot; Im intimidated by them horribly like Im no good... past trauma bonding... So; im working on this; but the problem is not having the ability to communicate anything to them; to afraid of rejection from someone I think is attractive; and I never tell them the truth or anything.
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SO;' Ill have to start slow and with the right people talking again. really think or write out what I want to say to women and learn how to get to know them and tell them how I feel or talk with them or to them... many O man; thats scares me. its bringing up grieving of my past...
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Im not back yet; I mean; Im still dissociated and evil. I mean; Im not here... So! Im still without feeling of part of me. But Im getting better. All I had left was to manipulate others; I had nothing else...
I dont want that part of me taking over anymore; SURVIVAL MODE!
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Im trying to come out of it and learn to talk to people.
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So; Im getting it; God is showing me... Im starting to get to this place; this frequency.
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I was sitting at a meeting this morning with a women thats been wanting to rent my sausage factory... But Ive been able to talk to her because Im to chicken... Thats what mean. Im stuck; but the work is on with her. The work is somewhere else; not with women that want me... I have to go somewhere else and start over socially and rebuild.
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And as I talk; man o man; those sexual abuse flashbacks and thought pop in; they are trying; but its to late; ive create to many new scenarios; I dont believe the PTSD movies anymore; they to terrorize me and freak me out; but they don't have the power to make me believe Im their and cant escape; its more like Im at a horror movie and getting tre traumatized at the movies; I know I can switch gears to the back yard of my hold house where it was safe and hang out their in my mind and more importantly that that; I can be HERE NOW; and I know Im safe from what the PTSD is trying to tell me.
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