July 2025
June 2025
With dissociative disorder; the pain was so great; I was pushed so far over the edge that my mind and nervous system shut everything down.. Switched out my brain from remembering anything... In fact all things were amnesia. I had no memories. Nothing. I did remember who my mother was; I remembered the name of my home town; I knew my own name. I was not allowed much else.. All other things were giant clouds or walls of myst I was not allowed into. If I tried to get close; before I even knew what happened I was moved on to something else and had forgotten what had happened the moment before; And I was in this state for years and years and it got worse until I was the equivalent of schizophrenic. And I was in that schizophrenic state for years and years.
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Amnesia does not kill me but it sucks the big one... Its horrible situation ..
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One of the saddest things is to start remembering suddenly; because it gives awareness to the reality and the depth of seriousness of the damage of the situation; mental damage. It also indicates no one wanted me alive; no one from my past life; no one cared.... They didnt care what happened to me. Something horrid about it... sad to be destroyed...
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Today at a meeting; I felt sad; a young women at that meetings; she was treating me like those that killed me when young; she was treating me like one of those who murder'd me... I got up and just left. I started getting tired of being around these people; Im so sad from it and so sick of it!
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Why am I hated by so many people... to a point that they want me to put a noose around my neck and hang myself... Its just sickening... Im not liked by anyone...
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I can feel again... Im starting to... God is bringing my sensitivity back. I dont want to be around these kind of cruel people; ITs not funny... I dont want them around me! Im so sick of it!>..
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FIRST LOVE:
No first love! Mistake.
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It makes me feel like Im not good enough to even have a first love or any love; nothing. Zero... Nothing!
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Ill keep working with GOd on it. Im so sick to my stomach of these people in this society...
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I guy I know went over seas years ago and got a himself a wife. Hes a narcissist; poor girl! It seems like thats the only kind of men these women wont... THey dont like me! They hate me with a passion and want me dead.
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I used to say the Bible lied to me; but Im not so sure I was ever living in a land of decency in the first place; I think the Bible was talking about another time and another land; not this one.
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My heart is coming back to me; its a miracle; but its also hard because no one has wanted me... I wont kill myself over it today... thats the miracle. God would never bring me back to this point unless I was safe; or in a safe place. Ill pray about being in safe places.
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I used to love being in my house as a kid; I loved the safety of it; the house; the yard; the neighborhood.
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So; I can see it possible to do more things. Take more chances; work on taking art more seriously; even taking a class at the community college in Art. I can see this!
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I believe Im not alone; I believe plenty of nice people are in the world. Im one of them. I believe I can find those people that are nice.
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NOTE: Ive spent allot of time reacting to what my mother and father did to me and the kind of people they represent. A complete waist of time; not completely. but the direction is about revenge..
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The problem has been letting go of the past people where I was manipulated into believing they were nice and thus letting down my walls and getting slaughtered and murdered by them; This is whats been so hard to work through and let go of; but GOd is doing just that... so. its funny; as I wake up; and I need to wake up more and I will; hopefully having the guts for such things; Its funny to see these people; wondering how or why I ever thought these insensitive monsters would be of any importance in my real life; How could I have never thought so; but then; Im extremely sensitive person and I lost that sensitivity with mental illness and found myself around allot of the wrong kind of people.
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Ive been talking to women. Ill keep practicing... Slowly slowly coming back to reality... acceptance; Living again.
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I still suffer from dissociative disorder and PTSD AVPD and so on! However, Im more in touch with who I am? Thats not really what Im trying to say. I have massive hope concerning everything living. The problem is; Im old; and will be gone at some point... So; no big deal; Ive made it this far...
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God is now bringing me back.
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God will have me create a sacrifice in the Forest for him; For God... For when I was younger I disobeyed God. I have been working with God; and God wants a sacrifice to him; So; Ill go into the forest and put dirt and wood pieces and brush and leaves and things together into what looks like an ancient funeral from Oden or middle ages or 10th century... and Ill pray and give a sacrifice to God; and this will please God.. It will be a sacrificial offering to God... just like in the Bible... But it will be made of wood things and stuff... and i will bow down before God and with my eyes closed reach out with both arms into the wooded things and pray and give it to God as a sacrifice to God...
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I wanted to get better and I am. But the difference is; and its a big one; no one from the past will be their when I wake up as myself again. For; the first thing I will remember are those people of the past that were usually there in my life when I was young. They are no longer allowed to ever be present in my life ever again; I am to forget I ever knew them; They were evil!
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NOTE: I was never able to make it completely alone before; emotionally; without someone from the past; something. but now I can and I am... My whole world was broken...
As I wake up and remember; things will be different this time. Those people will no longer be part of my conscious or unconscious mind. And this will take some work! Ive been working at it for some time.
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NOTE: I needed those people from the past to be a certain kind of support people; to believe that; when in reality; most of them were never thinking about me and many of them wanted nothing to do with me or even cared if I was alive the next day. most of them; all of them never came to me; I always went to them. Thus; they were never really my people; any of them; nothing. But they took the place of human beings who were devoid in my life.
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I can also see my dreams awakening and its possible to have those dreams but not with anyone of my past involved. No one! and no one is around now so... but thats not whats important; its about my nervous system and not missing any of those monsters; I wont be. My new life is between God and myself... that is my power; God.
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However; That is not entirely true; not yet! Im not out of the past yet; Not yet; Im not out of the trauma bonds yet; not yet; not yet, not yet; the poison is still in me.. Im still back in the past in a PTSD dream like dissociated state; but Im better. I believe Im better because of God...
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IT is God that is making me better; Im getting better because Im waking up. Why am I waking up? Ive asked God for help to wake up...
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BULLYING: This is a large problem. Im not the only one but I dont like being driven from the meetings because of bullies; but Im not the only one; I know others exactly the same way; going through the same thing. I dont like being pushed around or coerced through intimidation. Im not interested in calling the police over people at 12 step meetings; that would be to embarrassing. So; Ive just toughed it out.
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I just want to recover and Im going to have to ask God how to do that to continue this thing...
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