July 2025
June 2025
Note;
Social development; Just got back from a meeting... In my recent social developments of social; Ive been reading the material from my meetings concerning relationships and shockingly its saying the same things about me that Ive been writing about me. So; I guess Im not the only one... A whole crew of broken people have the same problems. If only I could have been able to told people years ago. So; Interestingly enough; Ive been talking about all this again at deeper levels at meetings lately...
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Today was an interesting day; a women sat next to me in group today.. in the meeting. She announced her birthday. And when it was my time to speak; I read from the book; I read about the anti social fear based personality type that I have; I read the books pages about relationships... and friendships and how the broken person avoids and lies and takes hostages and takes people for granted. How they sabotage relationships by running away or breaking up with the person first before any intimacy can start. And on n on it goes; never allowing commitment and maybe never having a real relationship of any kind.
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Back to the story; THe women is sitting by me; theres other places to sit; she is sitting next to friend; but she is also sitting next to me. Shes a very attractive girl and doesnt sit by just any guys for obvious reasons; She used to like me years ago; but I could not show any signs of interaction; to hardened and to much PTSD and Dissociative disorder.
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So; shes sitting next to me... I grabbed the book and read the pages about relationships... And in a sense; I was beginning the process of opening up about how I really feel and about what I would say or have said to those who wanted a relationship with me; I mean; I read it out of this book today; it said enough about my situation...
I was confessing to the room what Im really like and who I really am; its in black n white; its right there from the book.
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This women is almost married with kids; shes not available. But she worked great today as a prop for my situation; " THat wasnt very nice"; But thats the best way I can put it...
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What was interesting; I kicked back and looked at this women next to me and was fantasizing as if I was dating her. Meaning if she was single and I imagined I had my arm around her. And I thought man; Im actually getting better... Im sitting next to women that used to want to date me; wanted a boyfriend. and Im now opening up about how I feel to the group. Ive been doing that for a while concerning these backward feelings of mine; the inability to share my feelings with someone... Ive shared with the group today.
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What was interesting was; The women that used to like me; I realized I met her 11 years ago... So; its been 11 now Im able to open up about my feelings; its been a long road... but I am starting to do it; its not to late for me.
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My point is this; with women from way back; I never told them anything about myself; about my situation or disfunctions... actually I couldn't.
Whats great is; Im starting to tell people now; maybe for the first time could I. So; Im getting closer when it comes to relationships... Im starting to show signs of opening up in general.
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Ill work with God on practicing some social things and learning to open up to others and talk about some of this stuff with them; become social independently communicative.
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I slept and woke up... The first thing I felt was a covering of mental pain from bullies my senior year in high school; I feel bad saying that; that I was bullied so late in life but I was; and by the grandparents I was staying with. later; first year of college; Grand father was still trying to sexually harass me; it felt like I was 6 years old and he was spanking me when taken over for my birthday; he would spank me with my pants down and put his hands on me. it makes me sick right now.
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But to have someone in my senior year trap me and control me; I didnt do anything about it; I was coming back to that school trying to escape the school and life I came from from across the state.. I came home to my home town... Its was a horrible ordeal; I stayed with my ( best friend); he did not turn out to be my best friend; he did not turn out to be any friend. His family treated me like an outsider second class worthless or beneath them; Unbelievable; Just unbelievable. However, those people will be found out... other things happened to expose them. And the best friend: he ended up a sociopath; kind of; a pathological performer... what a creep... Im mad that when ride my bike through my neighborhood as a kid; I have to remember knowing those people.
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God revealed something about those people to me; That I never really needed him as a best friend; just a sending off point. Meaning; using him as a place to go; like a weight house for truck drivers; I go there; take a break or check in and off I go... meaning; when I was young. Im so sorry I actually lived with them; My God! Ill work with the universe to get over it.
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The bulling senior year in high school was done by a guy notorious for bullying everyone. I didnt expect that my senior year; I should have called the police; thats what I should have done; I was no condition to be bothered by people and thats what the police are for. I was outrages; I mean; it was like being kidnapped at the school; I detained by this person on the campus as if he owned me and Im sure did this with others... Unbelievable. I was in dumb classes for dumb people; unfortunately because of trauma; thats all I could do... I had three years of schooling to get into one; so I was busy all year if I wanted to graduate... Ill pray about it. Its so humiliating all of this. Its Good Im telling the truth about it; it caught me off guard; all of this stuff at the time because I had left the coastal area to get away from all that and I found myself right back in it again. However, looking back; Things happen. The people I lived with were wierdo's and evil; The school had bullies and I did not know how to handle the situation; I feel like a wimp; but it is what it is. I need rest and to be left alone; I had no one; and i mean; no one.. So; I was a sitting duck; I must have had it written all over my shirt... That makes me mad that I was a target... Ill some how keep writing on it until I can find solutions.
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NOTE;
Just went back a moment ago and road down my childhood street again; I saw this guy try to cross in front of me; I could just feel it; I backed off; went back the way I came then crossed to the other side of the street on my bike; The guy quivered a think meandering back n forth a bit; like he had other intentions of crossing the street where I would have been; nothing serious; but I can feel them a mile away. THe point is; if I stop being a victim now; and learn to back up and do that situation again; this time in a better safer fashion; get oud a there; go far away then ride my bike; get away from the sinister wierdo's I encounter; move off to the side; run away; and then come back later; if I get away from the bullies in the world; fight back I guess; but I was thinking more running away; maneuvering to safe ground to start with. fight back; dont be a victim. Do something; move; do something; and that helped... did that just now...
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NOTE: Sexual abuse; as I work through sexual abuse and harassment. Something happened; something good; my personality switched and I found myself outside the front of the house in some sort of memory where I wasnt being abused. All the other memories were stuck on abuse issues within the house; This memory was of me outside the front of the house; that means it was a memory of me free a that moment. That means I dont have to always relive the abuse; I know my mind is now processing things and moving forward; First time ever since 10-13 years old to now.. That is the first memory of its kind remembered..
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So; on all fronts something good is happening. As for the bullying; Ill keep working with God and will talk about it at the meetings in front of 40 people; That I was 17 year old who did not defend himself against bullies; sucks; but thats what happened~
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As for the best friend thing; as I mentioned; God has revealed to me he was never suppose to even be a close friend; just a place to go for awhile and leave and never go back; and lately I've felt it.
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I want to go through my old neighborhood not remembering that house he lived in and I visited all the time and lived in for awhile. I don't want to remember those idiots... freaks... sickening. I want to ride down in my loved neighborhood and feel good about myself. Ill get there.
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As for the bulling; I don't know; Ill keep writing about it... more n more and see what God will do for me to resolve this so I can feel safe again.
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As for my first love; well know; Things just keep getting better and better for me; as she slowly leaves my imagination and in its place is the idea of more relationships in the present; Ill work with GOd on this as well.
My Grandmother enabled me
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Its a bit hard to describe where I'm at; but its not; I have a head full of PTSD... I have a head full of past thoughts; I have a body controlling everything.
However, learning learning how to create my own new visuals; thoughts and implant them in my imagination creating my own new forward reality for the future with the help of my inner being and the universe God...
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My main goal of interest is Cars; working on a pathway to a car...
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My first goal of importance is music creation and performance.
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The car problem is about my grandmother enabling me and before this; a family system where I was left alone... to alone; completely alone and didnt know it. And very quickly; started getting behind in life and it got much worse...
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Grandma enabling me;
We will start with this. One can call it extreme spoiling; it was much worse then that; it was free money and things all the time. I had to do nothing ever about everything... It did ruin me completely; it put me into such a state of unreality; I got used to having everything and doing nothing for it until I was kind of in a cocoon.
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First let me say I was all ready thrown away; all ready starting to use drugs... I was flunking out of school; had been; no one cared; I tried in school; but to much trauma and I could not function; could do nothing and no one was on my side; no adults; nothing. and I had been abandon by my parents; Sexual abuse and harassment. Bulling at the school systems and in the area I lived; lots of it. Bad part of town... I was now living with my Grandparents; they created my mother; a psychopath...
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I lost everything and did not care about anything anymore; I was in a state of numb shock... had no real friends; nothing;
Absolutely no one to talk to about anything...
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My brother had figured out ways to get money from my Grandmother and she would do it; but it was actually a type of abuse and she new it. It was another form of rendering myself and my brothers useless under there authority...
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However, when it came to cares; through my brother; she bought me one; I did not care because she was a monster and I did not want or care that a monster bought me anything.
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NOTE; I had all these plans to do great things when I was young. In my case; I was destroyed and could not do anything; So; I can say what those monsters did; stopped me; but I didnt stop me; my condition stopped me; If I get better and feel better; I can always hopefully get back to being someone that continues to think in terms of doing great things; we will see; ive got allot of horror and abandonment and sorrow and loss to work through.
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