July 2025
June 2025
Ive worked long n hard on this. With the goal to find the secret to get rid of these 2 monsters out of my life and out of my head. If I had known what they were when I was younger; I would have never ever known them or gotten near them. Im a decent respectable nice person inside; inside of me. sensitive nice person; I always have been.
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I made a mistake; innocent simple mistake concerning both these people. These are scary people and dangerous. They are not the type of people to be around people like me... Im a nice person... These are the opposite,.
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Lately; Ive been making tremendous breakthroughs concerning my first love meaning the girl up the street. Concerning the girl up the street. I have now changed my mind concerning the girl up the street; she is just the girl up the street and should stay that way... Most if not all information concerning her is negative. Its all negative; it should be nothing but negative because she is a complete stranger and she tried to do me in. She tried to destroy me... I was manipulated in; and then destroyed; that was her goal. ITs almost psychopathic... sadistic.. no conscious. I dont know. Sociopaths yes...
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IT doesnt matter; I mean; who wants to talk about a sociopath all day long; I dont. I mean.. Im getting to the point that shes looking more evil every time I write about her. Im just thankful shes somewhere else then where Im at; Im safe from her and or anyone else like her. Im lucky.
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The problem is the past was; no family; So I had no place to run when problems hit; I was over swamped by them.
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God is allowing me to see this person for the evil they are... And not miss it or want it; but to be repulsed by it because thats what sane people do who are decent and nice... Happy decent people dont want anything to do with crooks like those.
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I had some idea I was going to save her; I found myself way over my head and had the rug pulled out from under me. I didnt know what I was doing or who I was doing it with. I had no idea. And I got crushed. spit out and destroyed. I was in total confusion.
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Its worth the work and Ive done exactly what I was suppose to do; get to the bottom line truth. This is the third person who did me wrong when I was young. Lots more then this. but there were people I thought were my friends. I found out later they were not because they couldn't be; they didnt have the character for it. They snubbed me; thought they were better then me. But the truth is. How can this be that they are better then me; they are saying much more about themselves than me.
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2 of them lived in the same neighborhood. They meant something to me. They were some of the first people or friends I ever made. In the end they made it clear they came from better part of the neighborhood and I was nothing. of course; I am someone and they are dangerous people.
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Im a decent person and I escaped those people. and as for the girl up the street; Im finally seeing her as a stranger... someone I never met or ever wanted to met.. As for the time I did see her; little to nothing,. I thought I could help her; that was the attraction; I thought she needed love; I was wrong; I was completely mistaken and wrong on this one; this was a stranger that didnt need anything from me or to know me... and for me to say this is God... This is all God; God coming into my work and life and getting me back on my feet again; relatively speaking.
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The point is; no more memories of this person. Why; she is past tense; why. because information proved she was not worth it.. She was nothing. She was a witch; thats what she was; nothing more...
And its scary.
I may have been trying to save my mother through her; and Ill look into that but more importantly I thought I had found a safe family to hide in and a new girlfriend; but I did not. It was a mistake of pure evil and nothing more. I just didnt heed the warning.
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Its not all out; the poison; the rotten memories; but maybe they are; maybe Im finished with them; maybe for good as I dont need them anymore or her or her memory. How sickening all of this has been.
Im still afraid of the effect of my mother and how I see women. I dont see to many good ones... This means Im still broken her hurting... And I dont know how to get beyond that.
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And when I say that; I see the girl from up the street; my first love; her memories trying to come back into me... almost.
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Some memories still exist; but only when I feel that lonely feeling like Im lost; but not really. I mean; seriously; she is past tense; gone... But not completely but she is; almost.
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As I've been healing up; Her memories have faded; but suddenly a few days ago or earlier then that; finally yesterday maybe; suddenly it was like a dislocation; and poof; shes gone. Her memes are history. literally; its all been allocated into another part of my brain and not the present anymore; I dont long for her... because I know she was a fake. and now that the gig is up; her memories are being pushed back into a far away basket of nothingness with the other waistoids that dont count; because thats all she was a waistoid... nothing more... However, not all of her; about 10% of her or the edge of her; maybe 1% still has some control over me but we will see.
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Ive need her; her memory to stay alive. But its being replaced and Ive questioned who that really is and its nobody. And now; without any fondness or positivity toward her memories; its looking horribly evil and snake like and black. She is looking darkness. Thats all I see. and why would I want to be within a 1000 miles of anything hideous like that; I dont.
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But its to early for me right now; Im just making a change over into a more positive self again with positive memories coming back. I'm now moving into a new realm. But Im still broken; it will be months n months I think or long time more I think until I get caught up with this reality again of self. as self and I feel safe doing it.
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I dont live in my original house as I did when a kid; so I cant go back their and hide and start over their; Gods got to do something to put me in that same place and so I can feel safe again. away from bad people places and things... stay safe...
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So; Im feeling the insecurity right now from the gap... between where Im at and the insecurity of what I need... And where I want to be... or ya know; I dont know where Im suppose to be; im not sure what the next level looks like. I can only guess.
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