July 2025
June 2025
My first love; why coundnt I make a pass at her; If I get this figured out; many of my problems with modern women that have had an interest in me would be over with. I never made a pass at any women that have liked me in my life. Nothing. I would not let them in. I did not trust them.
.
OKe; So; ive not started yet; why I would not make a pass at my first love; if I had; I would not need to write anymore on any of this... If I had; that would have opened everything up; she would have been my girlfriend and no issues.
.
.
Why reasons;
.
FIrst let me tell you about delusion; I'm at 12 step groups where I have some members bulling me. I am a victim of them. One guy is a predator and he tries to bully me in different ways. getting physically close to me to intimidate me. Tries it all the time; gets a kick out of it...
.
I claim im a victim; these meetings Im talking about; these specific meetings or for criminal sociopaths or psychopaths; lots of them from jails; no conscious; nothing. And yet I tell you how Im a victim but dont tell you about the nature of the meetings and who's their. I dont seem to have any boundaries about it. its like Im pathological.. Im going to places with the worst of some people... And Im wondering why Im being victimized or targeted; most people would not go into places like that and they know they would be targeted. So; their it is. me running the Tv screen of unreality in my head.
.
------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Back to the subject; Why I didnt make a pass at my first love... when young.
.
First; because of sexual abuse; the abusers and bullies of that time period and those women control; the rejection of my mother at specific important times; no love and complete rejection where Im heart broken and destroyed; Until this is fixed; Im not kissing anyone and starting a new inner intimate relationship that would cover up the truth of what happened to me. And I have to get the story out of what happened to me; what really happened to me during that time or the rejection of my mother and how it affected me and admitting that it affected me horrible and destroyed me.
.
And the loss was so great I went from heart broken to not being present anymore; I didnt feel anything anymore but I was also not the person anymore... And could not bring intimacy in again or id turn back into that broken person and have to deal with something way over my head,.
.
So; id have to get all my pain out first before I kiss someone and start a new relationship. And its so over my head and gruesome. All of it; like a much worse horror movie. So much so I cant believe I was in it; that any of that happened to me.... or was suppose to happen to me... a field of dissociation.
.
IF I kissed someone and started intimacy; Id be present. id be back living again. I couldn't leave and run and hide; be free to escape.
.
But the biggest part is all the anger and rage and hatred buried; it wold explode at some point. I couldn't bury it by getting involved in another relationship.
.
I thought ;if I started intimate relationships I could start dealing with it. but that didnt happen.
.
\Also it would trigger sexual abuse because its sexual intimacy or intimacy; it would bring it all back... And I could not live with that... to much.
.
So; I would say the goal is to get the help to work through these specific years of abuse and uncover the pain of no connection and rejection and abuse and humiliation and boundaries being broken and violations and worse; much worse and get help facing it and dealing with it.. .its so hard because someone else controlled every move I made... And I could do nothing but be controlled; I did it so I could survive.. I hated it; it was like being bullied;
.
And my mother always attacked the same place within me and the sexual abusers and other abusers I lived with and sadistic teachers; they attacked the same areas within me to control. Like taking bites out of me at the same part of the neck. And the bullies in the schools; same thing; over n over n. over... no protection; nothing. over n over n over. No one cared. And thats important; I was thinking about 6th grade and how I ws destroyed by bullies at that school on the coast; And then having to come home to a mother that was a psychopath... I was completely destroyed; no way out... nothing. over n over n over; day after day. And I was stripped of my home from before on C street; my nice life and nice home. And all the anger and feelings associated with that.
.
So; ive got allot of problems... All of it seems to get overly triggered where I dissociate if I get physically involve with a women. Im assuming I think. will be controlled by an abuser or something.
.
Something is wrong. When I think about physical intimacy with a women; I start dissociating because those years of abuse and sexual abuse when young;. 9-13; being pulled out of my original house; all of it; it all starts to come up.
I think what I needed was a hug by a mother or father; thats what I needed during those times so I could feel safe; their was no one. I shut down. And I didnt need sex; I needed someone to take care of me. So; when Im with a women and Im triggered; I dont want a women; I want a parent that was suppose to take care of me when I was young. thats what I need; thats all I need so I can start developing again.
.
I need more social development with people or with a tribe of men; like growing up before I can have sex with a women. Ive not had all of that; I missed several years of that. I need that development. So; Ill ask God for more of that; that I can trust... I was dissociating so heavily I stopped my interactions with others...
.
So; that has to develop. I have to get passed the sexual abuse years; Not sure how that is going to happen. Ill have to work with God...
.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.
2 sides of development
.
First; connection; in my imagination; To see myself grab a past girlfriends hands in front of me; over over over no over; telling her I love her or God loves her. I show up to her door; she answers; I grab her hands and tell her I lover her; over n over n over over n over n over over... And this; after done 5000 times in First person POV; This begins to build strength and confidence of being in front of her making my choice to love her as I present myself to her; Im not a victim; Im more like a sales person that is presenting something... I grabbing her hands with a smile and tell her I love her over over over. Think of the move of jumping in front of a women; landing on one knee and proposing marriage... giving her a bouquet of flowers and telling all things she ever wanted to hear.... Imagining doing nothing but that for the rest of ones life; that is all they do in front of someone; meaning a women... but I mean; also; in general; I am a sales men happy with myself presenting my case to the other person... If its a women; I grab her hands and tell her I love her and god loves her over over n over over over... This form of thing is a way of presenting myself to the world. Think of someone on stage who is exited when acting or performing. They are free out in front of themselves expressing themselves; thats what Im talking about; they are not a physical victim stance... They are an expressive stance. open; giving; giving of love and expression.
.
.
2. The management and cleaning of my room; bedding and apartment. Im noticing slowly; even how I put groceries on a counter; there starting to to look managed. they look really organized. I have about a cazilleon plastic model kits. Ive got them neatly organized in plastic tool shelving... shelving area of 3 by 3 feet; extends upward of about 7 panels high; lots of space.. Ive noticed over time; how well Ive organized this space. Its a deeper intellectual part of me. Before this I didnt care about organizing or having anything organized; why should I; I had nothing that was safe in front of me. My own space was never safe.. why should organize something; whats the use. Now; its starting to appear over over n ever. This is important; its about taking back my space and letting the inner me come out and process and express and feel powerful and safe out in front of me...
.
So; you've got areas Ive brought up for achievement and development. And thats what were talking about; development; learning how to do a new expressive love dance out in front of the world by choice.
.
Practice.
.
However,. let me tell you what its really like to practice reconnect; Im getting to the point now that its triggering a lot; but not as bad as in the beginning. Well; thats not true; it didn't appear to trigger anything in the beginning because I wasnt really connected in the beginning. Altho I saw the picture of the person out in front of me... The connecting itself made me scream and scream and scream in pain;; simply from the concept of visualizing a connection. But later; now; when I grab her hands to pray for her in my imagination; I can do it over over; but suddenly Im disconnected and dissociating and screaming at someone else; suddenly my thoughts have switched and Im back in a fight or flight situation with someone screaming at them or they are abusing me; thus; flash backs... And this goes on all the time. I automatically disconnect and dissociate; Just keep at it and at it and at it as long as it takes,.
.
.
Let me say this.
For dating; my goal was to have a women brought to me by God for the sake of having a girlfriend that would help me with all of this. I wanted a soulmate. I was brought a soulmate. The problem is; The women brought me were treacherous. They had hearts for Me; but would not take a subordinate position and help me. They wanted their cake and eat it to. They wanted to love me; my heart; to connect to it; but they also wanted that bad boy; 6'4; Ivy league; rich parents tennis player; thats who they wanted for status to date' they wanted to look good to their friends. They wanted to give him their body and build status socially; but with me; they wanted to connect with a soulmate heart best friend on the side. Well now! God said; NO! And they were properly whisked away out of my life. God does not play games; God does not like females sociopaths causing problems with his people; meaning ME. Im under Gods care and direction. God did not appropriate or appreciate a women who called out to him for a soulmate; then change her mind in mid stream to get another guy with better qualifications. Gods even turning around stunned". " what is this person is doing" says God? God promptly Got me out of there... She is not allowed to return. Nuff said.
So; God brought me new ways to use my imagination to please him that would allow me to grow safely and develop; God has the plans for such inner workings and will show them to me if I bow to God and ask...
Many things can happen if I bow to God and ask....
.
As for the women who betrayed me. She is gone and erased from my memory. God teaches how that is done as well... its like a disconnect from evil. soon; Amnesia; I dont remember her; nothing at all. God is all that I see. God is all I need; God is protecting me and wont put up with evil; or minions working with Satan. For those far younger than me and think this is old teachings outdated; Think?
God is not outdated; God is always the only present; God is the only process that works for humans... An interactive relationship with God... Their is nothing else...
God protects me. Those that gain Gods trust and God responds to them and then they turn on God and betray him and those working with God; God will whisk them away. What happens to them. God will remove himself from them; they will be alone and re have a choice to think about things and rejoin God again starting over from the beginning again. And they can do this with God for the remainder of their lives. However, this is not as easy as it looks. For they will be left alone separated from God... And thats not a fun game. Soon; on their knees they will be brought to God. if they so choose to start again but they will not be able to go back to whom they harmed in the first place; God will protect that other person for good...
.
Im opperating in the altered world. The things I write about; Im writing about within my imagination and from the top of my bed as I lay on it and write within my lap top. Heres the deal ; with full PTSD; to go out into the real world and interact practicing this stuff; Only with God people; people God has sent to be loved and work with me. Nice people; no one else. I am wholly triggered by physical movements in front of me; I can be completely shut down because of dissociative disorder and triggering. So; In the right environments that God brings me I may be able to learn how to function again; but thats up to God. right now; God is trying to teach me how to feel safe again in my own space and environments and thats what this is for to begin with.
.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So; Ive brought up 2 areas of concern and development. 1. the ability to practice reconnection with people through practicing in my imagination; God under all control of it. And Go is protecting me.
2. The organizing of my living situation... Signs of organization within the Kaos... Thing are changing.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: AdsBot [Google], Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], verdigri, Wally58, Western, Yahoo [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.966s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.28
Time : 2.966s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.28