July 2025
June 2025
Im this Essay; Ill look at one important aspect. What I was feeling and visualizing and wanting to happen and desperately hoping would happen and what it means to me and what actually happened; or more importantly; what I so desperately wanted to believe what was happening and how I was reading into it and what actually happened; what physically happen and what it actually meant and did not mean.
For example; If I was let into her house or felt safe enough and confident enough to walk up to her house and knock on the door; how did I feel I had that permission and why... and she opens the door and I come in and she smiles at me. I know what I wanted it to mean; but what did it actually mean; what was going through her mind; what was going through mine.
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At some point when writing about my first live. All I have to focus on is one smile from her and what it meant and what I thought it meant and the principles found from such endeavors explains the whole event of what happened and what didnt happen within a paragraph.
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The biggest problem is the sadness Ill feel if I find out from my research that she never liked me; they I will feel all alone and I wont be able to handle that; thats the problem.
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Nothing will be real and it will prove I wasnt liked or want from any area or angle and I was a throw away completely and non of my dreams came true or ever will from my childhood and I had no childhood; someone tank it before it got started; I was one of those kids; the ones with the loser childhood... Never in this life did I ever expect to be treated like this her go through this or in anyway see it coming. I thought I was protected and I wanted to prove it; but more n more evidence proves the opposite.
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However, now; after the start of showing of a building other life.. some solidness; more n more Im taking the chances to reveal the facts of my childhood and look at them.
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Back to the girl; my first love; what happened.
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OK. My brother shows up in the drive way with this other guy he met. Lets talk about my brother and this other guy; who they are and if they are safe to associate with or believe or hang around with.
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My brother and his friend. First; his friend is not safe to be around. As I remember; hes a 2 faced liar; and so was his father. But he is. So; this is important. Because my boundaries didnt care.. I didnt care that he was a 2 faced liar; I acted like it didnt matter; but here's the deal; if he had that kind of bad reputation at that level then..... a level I would know about; that is bad... Certainly he is not someone to associate with; but I didnt care. So; lets talk about me and why I didnt care to hang out with a 2 faced liar; why I didtn care enough about myself to stay clear of anyone like this.
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First; I was beaten down and so traumatized and mentally ill from trauma I could not perform in school; nothing; I was dissociated from being in school even tho I might show up; and that is something else to look at; the real level of mental illness at the time. So; I didnt care who I was associating with and they were bad people.
Who was my brother; he was a sociopath drug addict and victim of bulling; he put his time into cars; his schooling was also destroyed; His ability to perform in school; no one cared. He tried over n over to be a normal child; destroyed by the parents we had... the adults from all angles. Not fair; no one cared. And our house was stripped out from underneath us.
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So; My brother is absolutely not safe to associate with so; why was I not responding to it; because he was all I had left and out of desperation I hung out with the wrong people and places and things. I I will look at that and ask myself if that is true; Was no other answer available for me at that time; another choice of places and things I could have gotten involved with that I be safe. And the more I ask this question; the more I realize my own trauma and how it stopped me from trusting anything or anyone in the outside world.
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So; the first thought that came to me concerning my first love was; NO! That was not a person I was suppose to associate with; in fact; that is complete insanity. No one would have ever gone in that direction if they were decent and wanted safety. So; lets look more at my insanity.
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First; I'm getting thoughts of her Playing me the first time I meet her. Dishonestly. and 2 faced. Meaning; she is fake and Im being manipulated in a dangerous way.. Its exciting for her to lead me own and see if she can get away with it; she has no interest in me... Im an object she is playing.
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What was my condition at the time. First let me say how hard it is to look at this; its horrible and frightening. And abuse and pain Im not ready to look at and because of that I cant resolve the time period; what I did and who I did it with in those years; and this will make a bid difference if I carry this past stuff or not.
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So; If I look at the abuse from ages 7-9 9-12 12-17 17-18...
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And if I look at the abuse from 7-9 9-12. 12-14-15; This more specifically will answer some questions concerning why I was involved with indecent people.
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Note; the girl up the street I loved; She was a criminal. And because I was associating with her; she assumed I was a criminal like her 100%; She thought I was her clan her tribe. The biggest problem I had with her; she realized I was not one of her; not one of her clan or tribe; I was an imposter; I was laughed at and thrown out and devalued. I changed for love or friendship for companionship to fit in; I become like her tribe to fit in so I could get some attention give it to me; to be loved; family; any kind of family.
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I had been going to different families for love since the age of 5-6; In many cases; found 10 different representations; 5-10 of them somewhere along the scale line that brought me what I needed that my family did not. But at the age of 9 all that was over with; The psychopaths destroyed me; my ability to reach out to others; I was 2 mentally ill from trauma; they did this on purpose directly and indirectly but always with the psychopath; it was directly.
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So; the abuse incurred when young; being dissociated from myself by others when young and being neglected and thrown away and purposely ignored; my future; all this caused me to desperately look else where for attention and survival on how to survive in the society I lived in. I was always outside of society; I had a TV set and what dreams it caused for my future and that was it. I mean; I had no other input and no connection to anything so I was not learning anything and I could not interact after awhile I did not trust a place that would allow me to be thrown away in the first place. Im not stupid; what would a trust a society that throws away children; and since I was the child; I had all the proof I needed. And it was a deadly game.
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So; I had no outlets to survive and finally no home; even that was taken and no more parents; or relatives; since the relatives were associated with the parents and not me. If the parents go; so do the extended family; They are not going to ask me to come over to their homes and visit at Christmas... I mean; they didnt care. They were distant relatives in a way... They did not care about me if I was their grandson or nephew... I was part of a family system; if I did not come with my mother or father as a family; Then I would never be invited. Never be invited on my own; we were not close...
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After my parents were gone; or the house was gone; if I lived with my mother or father; neither cared who I was; I didnt exist; I was baggage from a previous marriage and so I didnt count nor what happened to me... They did not want me; but the state rules; ya know...
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So; I was traumatized by being thrown away from my original family and home and neighborhood and school and town and friends and church and life; all of it erased.
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next; Im put into foster home situations with the same mother and father again. meaning; they are little more then faster parents with me at this point. Im forced to live with one or the other; neither care about me anymore or what happens to me; they would give me up for adaption but that would make them look bad... I try living with my father and later my mother; Im destroyed in both situation because of neglect and with my mother more severe neglect and abuse... Im not wanted; and Im despised and hated. They want me dead gone and destroyed... never to return.
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Im so traumatized and dissociated from reality at this point. No functioning in the school system; no ability to really interact anymore with anything. And its about to get much worse.
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Im sent to other relatives where Its more like being kid napped and assaulted several times a day where I cannot fight back... Sexual abuse; and so fare removed from my original self; no connection from who I was to where im at then. No mother mother and father... as if I never had any. and Im suppose to forget that I ever had any or came from the background I did.
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And it will stay at this level of neglect from here on out; I will try desperately to go back to other family members and live with them or associate with them; they wont love me so Ill go back to somewhere else; but they wont love me and ill try my father again; but no use; they dont love me; no one loves me or wants me or acts as if they ever met me.
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I will go quite insane....
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At some point in all of this horror and sorrow Ill will believe it must be me; Im not good enough to be wanted; no one wants me; Im defective; I look only at myself as not being wanted. In fact; Im kind of laughing right now going; I better not even write about this or I might actually start brainwashing myself into believing this as I was brainwashed by the abusers. This is one of the more tragic problems in this situation for a child...
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So; Im being red lined; pushed to the limits of insanity and being destroyed and Im shutting down almost completely... And Im in a new city trying to live with my mother again; who will not love me and have a new family. Ill try one more time. And its at this new place; one more new place where Im not loved or wanted and ignored or scapegoated; its at this place; just one more of the same where I have no home again; going from place to place to place; its at this place and time I meet this girl. And she Is no better then the people Im living with; the same..
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So; the more I understand where I came from the more I understand how I ended up around criminal type people in the first place.
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Ill talk a little bit about the girl. And then stop for this blog
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So; Why did the girl allow me to come up to her house. First; The only reason I met her was because my brother knew her brother... (RED FLAG)And I was asked directly to get into the car and go up to her house and meet her... I had no idea who she was or what she was about. But in a sense I knew all about her; I knew she was like her brother and I knew her brother was friends with my brother the sociopath antisocial drug addict type. I was not aware of how bad he really was until later. But I had a bond with my brother because it was the only way I could survive; so their was a trauma bond with him. I was a broken person that depended on him for everything. he did not have my best interests at heart unless I wanted to become a sociopathic criminal; Thats all he could lead me to.
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When young; I had a father and thought he was protecting me and looking out for me; I didnt realize; he was doing this until the age of 6; because at 7 Ill start to develop my own ability to think for myself and I will naturally start questioning his behavior and him being a sociopath; he will not have the control over me anymore. And its at 7 years old he begins to destroy the family system. He did it before but when I get 7 he will start to detach me from that family system.
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So; In order for me to meet this girl; when I meet her; I lie. I mean; Ive had no life whats so ever. I was living in a house on a street when young; and then all things are destroyed and taken away from me; Im then moved from foster house to foster house; the equivalent of such things; over n over n over and Im abuse and assaulted in numerous ways; have no more friends from the original neighborhood.
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So; I have a from of lack of self worth and self esteem that goes with severely abused people; way over into the minus category; And here I am completely destroyed and dissociated out of reality; and Im now meeting this new girl as if everything is normal. So I feel all I can do is lie. (RED FLAG).
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Her brother is 2 faced and a lair (RED FLAG); My brother is a sociopath and drug addict (RED FLAG); Do I really want anything they have to offer; (RED FLAG)
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I Get into the car and go with them back to his house. (RED FLAG).
I meet his sister; Why? (RED FLAG).
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Nothing good can come from this; nothing; unless Im a sociopathic murder'r drug addict..
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Next problem; Im so mentally ill and dislodged from my life. I desperately want anyone; and I mean anyone I can connect with who cares about me. And when I meet this girl Im thinking; God sent her to me ( RED FLAG). God sends me to therapists not the sister of some pathological liar female monster who is brothers with a pathological liar..... Thats not where Im going to feel safe and get help and learn to trust again!
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