July 2025
June 2025
Im very autistic like; very; but it comes from trauma; dissociative disorder; once I feel safe; the autism style dies down.
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Im a very sensitive person; introverted. I think online they call this Incel; But Im not involuntary celibate... But I am.
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Most Incel types are not Incel because they cant attract women; deep down they dont want to. They are to decent a person. if women were in their place under God; they probably would not have a problem. The problem is; women are not attractive... They might be pretty but not attractive; they are the opposite; they are danger to life... they represent death... And many men wont get near them or involved with them.
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When I was young another name for an Incel was a scientist or engineer type. A meeker! The kind of guy playing with test tubes in a lab mixing chemicals... a nerd kind of person; a brain-iac. This was not a bad thing... And no one was making intelligent introverts all out to be Ted Bundys like they do today on social media.
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Its to bad what has happened to society.
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Anyway;
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My problems stem from me. Im just to sensitive for the world.
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By the way; Im not empath....
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Im just a normal person.
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Whats another name for a mix of incel+empath+introvert; High intelligent nice down to earth person...
Where or why anyone would listen to modern political state concerning this is insane... its just the modern fascist state.....
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Normal people are being categorized and attacked much like what used to happen in Old Russia in the old days...
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Back to my sensitivities.
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I dont believe Ill ever be in a relationship.. I will die alone but I will die safe... I saw long ago that the Bible lied to me. Their were no people who ever loved me... no one who has ever wanted to be in a relationship with me. and no one has ever wanted to be my friend.
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In the past; people have wanted something from me? Not even that; they never even wanted me around. nothing; no value.
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Im not the only one that is MGTOW.
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Ive met plenty of women that are WGTOW...
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And this is Men/Women going their own way. ..
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I think many smart men and women have had enough of this in the outer world and just want to end up safe... I just want to be safe when I die... I just want to be safe right now. I have. relationship with God and im a decent person. Ill play my video games until Im dead... and leave it at that.
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I think smart people are not getting involved in relationships anymore. They just want to be safe... until this is over with; this life; what ever this is. One can have a good deep relationship with a higher power... Im on my knees to God all day long; one might say... Im learning more n more how to stay in constant contact with God all day long...
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I truly believe the nice people of the world are hiding; they've hidden themselves away for good... until the end... Most of us cant take this insanity of these days.. So many people are corrupt... Im not claiming Im not; im just as corrupt as the next person; but Im aware of it because I want to be. Ive been hurt but Im still a decent person. And I dont find that out in this culture...
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As for the girl up the street;
2 main complaints; she said I meant nothing to her and she tried to have someone beat me up.
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Heres the deal; another side of the story.
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Why was I around her; what for; I liked it. I loved being with her and I wanted to; I wanted to be with her; that came from me. That is what I did; I liked being around her; I liked her and I liked being around her and thats why I was around her.
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I didnt tell her I liked her... And that is the crime of it. She wanted me to tell her I liked her so things could get started but I didnt. And thus ended the possibilities.
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As for her saying bad things about me and using physical violence against me. She was emotional. Im not a women; im a man; we are 2 different being... I say this all the time. I cant just turn that off when its not in my favor.
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Thus so; I was around her based on my ability to go toward my higher power and trust; and it led me to do things I liked to do; not pull back from them.
I never pulled back from her because of her.. had nothing to do with her; But; It had to do with something; something huge and big and horrendous.
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So; The next blog will head into this idea..
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Imagine you area a drunk and you've stopped drinking; just like I used to be; I was a troubled drinker; thats actually a better way of putting it; heading toward becoming a drunk... I was already their kind of; but not yet; but I was anyway.... kind of; but not yet...
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But almost!
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So; Im in a hallway of a big hotel; Im out of luck; all my bets were called in.. Im broke in more ways than one.
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Im in the hallway of the big Hotel; the lobby; I could go to the bar... Instead I look for a phone on the other side of the hallway; Its the 1930s. I head toward the phone; I make that phone call to the church... I ask for help.
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And in my life right now; I turn from the bar and head down the hallway and get on the phone and ask for help.
So; what does that look like; it looks like; Im letting go and letting God; Im letting go to God; practicing it. Its a concept that leads me down toward a direction based on what feels good and what I want.
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So; as for my first love. Why was I there; I loved her. I loved being around her. I liked her and I liked being around her. I liked being their. I liked being... I liked being up and close to her; thats all their was; nothing more...
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What was I mad about; I was mad because she didnt understand or try to understand; Understand the problems I had; because of that; I was through with her... I wont tolerate someone so spoiled they dont have to help.
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I was in big trouble and she didnt care. And that stopped everything; instead she moved on to someone else. That lack of conscious on her part ended all things... I wont tolerate it... not from her; not from anyone. Their is no love their when someone does that; when they could help or understand but they wont... Because the point is; they could have if they wanted to; they chose not to.... So I went back to God because I realized this person didnt care about me and that means they didnt want me. Thus; I asked the question; if the person didnt want me; why was I at their house or talking to them; And thus I asked the question;' If they didnt want me; why were they interested in me or allowing me to be at their house.
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The answers to some of these question; She allowed me at her house for such shallow quick thrilling reasons that they have little to do value and more to do with quick fix of boredom.. She want a quick thrill and because I was around she did. she got some attention and that was that... I was being used for it; who I was didnt matter; I meant nothing to her; I was a physical presence giving her attention for a moment... for a minute. And thats all their was.. Ultimately she never wanted me. I was not her first choice.
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SO; I than ask if I can actually see through the phoniness when I first met her and see the contrived attitude; and the answer is; YES. I see it now; right from the beginning. The whole things makes me sick to my stomach. I so wish I had just never gone near that place or that evil person. later I was thrown away; Actually I was thrown away right form the beginning but I stuck around; I didnt care about myself and thought I had found a friend. I was wrong; their was no friend there...
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Their was no friend there;
that is of the most importance; because another issue comes up; How do I deal with people that are not my friends and are faking it. The way I handled that situation at the time; I just kept coming back over n over n over... She was like a vampire; and I couldn't be friends with someone like that. But I kept going back; and that is the co dependency and dissociative disorder. and being thrown away from the original family system I came from.
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The fact was; I was their; so she had this guy in the house with her; I tried to flirt with her... And thats all this whole story is... And then when I didnt follow through with her; I was laughed at by her and her mom... I was played down like I was a weakling.
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I was being destroyed at the home I was living at; AGAIN. and I was already mentally ill from the last life I had. I was already gone. I thought maybe this girl would be my last hope at having something real or a friend. and what do I get; worthless filth... They laugh in my face; when all I was doing was looking to love someone;
I mean; how evil is this place going to get. I was led on; but it was kind of like; they; her; she didnt care either way; she could take it or leave it because she literally could take it or leave it; I should have never gone up their. I should have gotten out of their as fast as I could.
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The most important thing about this story right now is not to blame her; but to look at my roll in what it would have taken for me to see the kind of person she really was; accept it and Make provisions to leave right than and never come back. And to look at the idea of keeping my eyes open from the Start. So; when I walked in through the doors; I said nothing and I did nothing; I simply looked strait ahead and abserved and than left and never came back because I could see someone playing me.... Because thats all it was.
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The point is; I cant expect the right people every time. And this was just someone who didnt care about me or meeting me or ever seeing me again; but never let on to that from the beginning. She lied and was deceptive and it caused horrific damage to my person life; for ever affecting it in a negative way; for the rest of my life. It was like being raped... Thats why I hate these people; I F__cking hate them with a passion; I wish they were thrown out of my country and never allowed back...
However; that last rant is my pride. Its not about the other person; Its about my behavior from the time I got into the car that took me to her house and getting back in that car and coming home again; and not blaming anyone else.
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The last few blocks Ive been concentrating on that idea that the most important part of this story is from the time I was sitting alone in my house and I got someone calling to me to get in the car because they wanted to take me to someones house to meet someone. The most important part of this story is that journey in that care; what I was thinking about; what I should have been thinking about to protect myself and after being at that house; immediately leaving that house and going home and never returning to that house ever again and getting a life... recognizing the kind of filth I was dealing with... and not going back to it unbelievably .
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The most important aspect of this story is; Can I relearn how to stay awake during that time period and be cautious and awake enough to tell those people; NO; Im not going with you in your car" "No Thanks"; have a nice day; and never go with them. because going with them was a form of self hate.... and heading right into the arms of evil.
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