July 2025
June 2025
Next step forward…
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Several years ago I; working with God and recovery; I began serious work to work through what happened to me when I was a teenager concerning a First Love. God let me know. I could never go forward in a real relationship at this point until I had worked through that First Love lie… It is and was ruff work.. Maybe 3 year later; Ive gone through it; worked through it enough for God to accept that the fight is generally over; I made it; Im on the other side just a little bit; just enough; Just barely enough; but In Gods eyes; it is enough; I have permission to move on…
Where Im at now…
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Relationship; Whats it like to move on… I never had a relationship with First Love; She didn’t exist. She wasnt even a girlfriend or a friend; Nothing. It took years of deep analyzing and working with God to come to the conclusion; I had simply been used for a short time by a stranger who didn’t even remember my name; Thats all it was; to them. Nothing really happened….
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I had created a giant fictitious world inside my brain about this person; And this kept me out of reality. And it would have kept me out of reality for the remainder of my life but I wanted more from this life and in conclusion I opted to work with God on facing this situation and working through it. It is; was painful. My mind is hurt or damaged; so; reality is hard enough as is. Facing this situation of my earlier life will be the most important work Ive done up to date for getting back on my feet. I was trapped in a time warp. Until I worked with God and faced this thing and got through it; I would never move forward in relationships again.
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NOTE: I trusted this person; Huge huge huge mistake; but I would have never known.. I was completely taken by surprise. I was looking for safety; a safe place from the sexual abuse I experienced before this for several years; I thought this person would be this safe place; In the end; I end up at the residence of another family of monsters and their daughter may have been the worst of all of them. I was truly caught off guard and destroyed by the whole thing… of course; with problems like mine at the time I needed real help from professionals; But I had no access; no one cared.
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Mental illness and ruptured personality causing this;
I was scared of women and got tired of even the few offers for one night stands in later life; to frightened of them; didn’t feel like I would be a man; or man enough… I felt stupid; didn’t feel safe; felt guilty because I did attract sex and women but hardly took up any offers; didn’t care; I was a small town person from early age; I just wanted a wife; I never thought about anything else; just a sweet normal basic wife; decent. Why cant I have a decent girlfriend or a wife instead. Well; As for a wife; from some of the vidoes Ive watched; In 2024 This is a big problem for allot of people.
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However; Im speaking of a different sort a problem when Im talking about getting a wife; a personal set of problems dealing with dissociation of reality and relationships and the marring of sexual abuse and harassment.
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However; Im back! I think; a bit back more in sanity; but so very weak mentally. But Im more present.
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Im barely able to go down a God Pathway into something new; This because Im not practiced at it in a such an authentic thorough committed way. This does not mean I havent been working on such things in general terms; Ive been working on this stuff for a long while now. However; everything is starting over for me now.
Ill explain what that feels like. A new beginning has started…
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Today; when it comes to relationships; Im at the beginning of a new millennium…
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Whats it like to start out again. Well. Im senior aged and beyond. No problem; but many many people are much younger then me.
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I have to remember no one appears to be attracted to me. I'm literally starting out with nothing. No one owes me anything; nothing!
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When I look at a younger women they don’t look at me…
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When your really old and want a girlfriend; its very confusing; Its all OKE. God will get me through it. But Im literally out here on my own. Ill be going through a lot of new experiences to find out where I fit in within this new area of my life for relationships. Im sure I wont be hitting any targets for a while concerning meeting the right people. I will probably meet many many of the wrong people and Ill have to learn how to work through all of this until I get some experience of where I fit in with in the world; Im OK with it; doesn’t mean it wont be extremely hard for a long while; we will see.
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Im not alone; I have people Im working with and 12 step groups and a very good relationship with trust for my higher power God Jesus Holy Spiritus Universal.
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Im not alone…
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Whats it like to suddenly start over;
I feel like a young teenager with no experience but allot of curiosity. However; its brutally cautious curiosity. What world will I fit into out here… Many people my age are retired… Im grateful for where Im at; Im just saying. I feel Oke; Im just old.
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I will be working with Higher Power. So; I will continue to use success based thinking processes. The goal is to get back into the game….
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Its all up to me how much of this direction I want to work at and earn… No one owes me anything.
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Im simply willing to go out into the real and try somethings. Im no one special.
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Ill be working with God on manifesting what I want …
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Im trying to describe what its really like to start over; Im a damaged person that can hardly handle reality as is…
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However; I can start over. This doesn’t mean much more then this! But thats OK. Its all great. Anyone that does the work to start over is fantastic; Im just saying; No one owes me anything.
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I have no idea who God would bring to me; God knows; and its about God…
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It lets me know of something of what I might be looking for… But its all up to working with God down God Pathway. Its about creating new stories for myself. Its about trusting and working with God on things I cant see yet; I don’t know the outcome.
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Looking back at my history; there is no history; there is neglect and insanity and I will be used by a great many people. I will not have any real relationships with anyone. And I will not have relationships with someone that actually cares enough about me to see me or want me to develop and get better.. and is willing to help me. Helpers come from God.
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Helpers come from God. Energy from God goes into creating these helpers who have my name imprinted on their souls to help me; They are created and forged From the inner working and energy of God; they are God energy created into a form made to be my girlfriend and helper. They will know who they are…
And if I want someone like this ; someone God has made. God will have to remake me with his energy into someone ready for that other God energy person.
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So; I do have people in my court on my side.
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I believe all of this will take place around newer people I meet; of an educated nature…. With the same values I have. Im not sure who they will be.
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A real journey is involved in all of this.
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The First Love I had was NO Love; nothing real; it was just one more con artist playing me into the fool role before they suddenly dropped me. I was a complete stranger of no avail.
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NOTE: When I say they dropped me; I mean something even worse; One cant get dropped if nothing exists; and thats what exists; nothing… And I didn’t see that; it meant nothing to this person; my presence was a joke… They didn’t really drop me; they simply laughed and walked away with out ever having any interest in the first place; Im surprised they even remembered my name; In fact they didn’t. I was not wanted by these people; this type of people.
and all of this before anything could really be developed; This happened because I jumped the Gun on who I met. ( I met the wrong people; the wrong crowd; the wrong neighborhood). I was nobody in this neighborhood…
This will not be the first person who uses me for fun. ( their was no relationship); It was more like an extended introductionship or even less observationship on my part; either way; I was being used. No one was actually interested in me or paying attention to me; but I seemed to think they were; or I imagined they were; but they werent. I meant nothing to them for any reason. And this wont be the first person. I will have met many people who had no value for me; get a hold of me; Use me; then dump me before I realized what was happening. I wasn't stupid; I was innocent. Regardless; I have to watch out; Life is a risky business. And I had no help; I was completely lost and alone; at the mercy of a world I did not have a clue about… I was never connected to nice decent people. I just never understood.
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( no one was interested in me)( its as if I wasnt there. Im not sure why I didn’t get this)( they were perfect strangers who didn’t want me around)( why didn’t I get this)…. I don’t understand…
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In many cases I will end up around many people that try to bully me; intimidate me with violence or bullying or stalking behavior. I will be ran aground for the fun of it by many women who were using me or leading me on who had absolutely no interest in me or intent of ever dating me; ( This is my mental illness of wondering around the wrong people). They had 10000 more options then me; I just never understood who or what I had gotten around. I was under the innocent belief I had a chance with these people; but I did not; no one ever really took me seriously. No one ever really found me of any worth to them. Many wanted to teach me a lesson for ever thinking I could even meet them because they thought themselves of a way higher standard. And they wanted to make sure they let me know who was the boss; who was in charge; that an inferior like me would should not even think in any real terms of getting someone of importance like them; that I had no business even standing on the same street as they. They were royalty and who did I think I was even believing I could associate with them; They were going to make sure they destroyed me if they could get the chance so I would never be able to be in any situation to ever have real serious relationships with anyone ever again; they wanted to disable my ability to have or be in relationships. And they ended up doing just that. I was completely fooled and staged. I had no idea what was going on; I was 2 innocent mentally broken to understand what was going on; to mentally desperate and mentally ill. and to young and with no guidance of whom I was associating with. And no one to turn to; Nothing. No Help.
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However; this type of evil does not understand God or Gods resurrecting power. God Universe Sunny Jesus Holy spiritus + Angels; This is where the power is; its in the universe and tapping into God is tapping into the possibility of asking God for some of that protective power… However; If I go with God; meaning Im under Gods care; I have to stay under Gods care to get what God is offering; I don’t get to wonder off onto side quests… God wont cover them.
I have to LEARN HOW TO GO DOWN THE GOD PATHWAY.. I have to practice and work with all of the members of the crew that God sends spiritually for my help; For this it means; the Spirit League; God Jesus; Holy Spirit; Angels and the Energy Girl helper girlfriend that God is sending ( she is in my imagination right now)(she is in my stories)… She is formed in the circles of the Angels where God Holy Spirit., Universe, Jesus are all putting in energy; and she is being formed from The ground up through God; with my blue print on her mind… She is of God; made of God energy… And I write many stories about her. However; I have to be re energized for who ever God is sending me… All things are in stories right now… Not in the real world yet… more work needs to be done.
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However; I do have to be ran through Gods energy again and again until I do following the instruction by God; that I become who She is looking for. So; Their it is; Ive got a lot of work cut out for me to work on…
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Anyway; With God all things are literally possible if I believe. And Im working on all of this right now.
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I think one of my most important issues is learning to accept being a broken disabled mentally; a person with many weakened mind issues still beginning; just learning to function in the world but maybe thriving a little bit.
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THE MAIN GOALS;
Several years ago the goals were established after working with God;
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1. My main goal working with God; get back to dating again
2. Get back to performing my music live that Ive created.
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The music stuff is going well; right on schedule. Im developing slowly but consistently; absolutely no complaints. I will say its hard work; slow work; I have much to learn; lots to learn and face; but everything is OKE.
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Relationships; First; God made it clear; For God to continue to work with me; I Must do the work to thoroughly get over First Love; I Did that.. Its 100% How do I feel bout that; beat up from the street up; exhausted; Sad; Relieved; I know the truth now. I was mentally ill not of this world and I got caught and taken advantage of… and thrown out. I imagined someone would help me; They did not; they did not end up who I thought I saw them in my brain to be.
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NOTE; First Love was treacherous She was not my friend as I thought she was; it was all fake. I thought she and I had a trust between us( this was in my head); This was ridiculous; She had no sworn trust for or with me; she could care less if she broke her trust with me; it meant nothing to her; she didn’t care who I was; I was a stranger; She couldn’t be trusted; I meant nothing to her; she probably turned on me 1000 times and I didndt even know it; I meant nothing to her… Im trying to make a point; basically its about mental illness.
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NOTE; I thought she and I had a trust between us( this was in my head). This is a hard statement for me; I still want to believe it like Im entitled; but obviously I cant; but the fact Im even in denial or delusional about it; Im taking such a dishonest stance when the truth rings clear nothing was here.. What is it I don’t want to face here… No one liked me; Sorry; Move ON! Damn this was hard at one time to deal with.. I was not suppose to like someone out of my lane; This is what happens. I did this all on my own and kept it to myself.. And thought someone owed me… Not sure why; Well; abuse from the past; I wanted what was mine; what was coming to me! But this person was never coming to me. I had to go out and some how end up at their house! So; My problem is with God not this girl or anyone else; its something about God owes me and I have to go back and talk to God about it. Talk to God about it right now.
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OKE; Ive made it past FIRST Love; Now what; Because this is not over; Getting over First Love or working through it is only half the problem…
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Have I attracted any women in general; I mean; women who come up to me or talk or anything; Yes; several. These are maybe not dating people but it does show I haven't lost my touch; Im still in the game a little bit; I just haven't been out in the Ball field where the action is. I don’t know if I was ever out in the ball field where the action is; Ive been to hurt; to mentally ill; to far gone for so many many years.
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Im old; fat; I really have to do something about the fat… Im so old it doesnt just come off anymore. Anyway; it doesn’t matter; if I really want to do something about this I will.
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I have no money; ( if and when Im ready to really deal with the universe concerning this matter; Im sure the universe can see through to helping me a bit) . its no big deal right now for me; So many great spiritual things have occurred that Im literally in a changing re·nas·cence ; So; many miracles have happened for me and Ive steadily become better and better and better at being a human being. I still have my disabilities and such; However; many people don’t even see them anymore; in my personality. Most of the time now Im talking about God all the time. So; most people don’t see it guess. Its still alive and well but they don’t hear me talking about wanting to destroy myself the way I used to…
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STARTING OVER:
So ; here I am…
Im basically a basic person of older age starting over. The fact I can start over is the miracle of miracles. But I aint no one special. Im just basic person… As Ive said I have no money; Tht does mean I cant talk to my higher power about that and see what my higher power will do about it; its not like Im not hooked into the universe; But the point is; I was stripped of everything in my life and because of it; I ended up now; with a life; if its kept under God; it can happen. And I just start out as I am. Im nobody special; Im just a guy! And this can be awful scary when I think; how am I going to complete with anyone else in the world…
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So; In this new realm Ive got to work with God on it all; all the new stuff… All new; Beginning at the beginning… Nobody special; no special favors; I got God and work with God go out with what I know working under God and recovery process taking new chances; but this time; much smarter and led by the universe; and see what happens.
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Im old now; Its not like I can go out and act like Im 23 years old and expect to attract a bunch of younger women at this point. Im just saying; the reality is; what ever it really is; And wont know what anything is until I start working with God out their in the real jungles of life and see what happens.
Ill have God with me the whole time and other support; but its till risky business.
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Technically Ill be working with God to get inline with who he is sending me for relationships and Ill be changing and growing to meeting those relationships. Praying all the time; gratitude lists… And hopefully Ill be meditating everyday. But I need accountability for that.
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MUSICAL GOALS;
Right now; I need or want and want; 88 note weighted Keys for my music rig that I would use live and for piano practice. This is kind of complex in today's computer markets; its not like in the old days; 20 years ago or 30 years ago… it was much easier and music companies were making much better products; They weren’t all executive based money hungry based marketing companies trying to make a buck anyway they could off their old customers. Im afraid those days have changed. Its not so easy to find quality parts; quality machines. Its possible but now a days one has to pay literally a down payment for a house; the same price figuratively speaking to get something; buying a music gear product that will last for a relative long period of time. A few music gear companies are still around; mainly from Japan that are good quality; but you will pay for it. One of the pieces of stage piano synth workstation gear I was looking at; it costs as much as a used car… Its just the way things are now; start saving.
I guess if I was just starting in my interest in music it would be different; If I was a beginner.
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Altho Ive played piano; fooled around on it for 50 years; I made sure to learn nothing.. I made sure to avoid all things associated with it; never taking anything seriously; only kind of plucking around on it. And now with numerous amounts of spiritual and recovery work; Now; maybe I can take the art of creation with music more seriously; so really; Its very much like Im a beginner in so many ways.
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Ive never memorized a song in my life nor the lyrics to a song; Ive never sang a completed song in front of anyone. Ive never played a completed song of any kind in front of anyone. Ive never played a completed song that was written out; my own creation or something popular on the radio; Ive never played anything like that in front of others; Ive just never been serious or professional about anything ever; to scared to death to be that open and exposed and the responsibility and requirements; I just could not handle anything after the breakdowns I had years ago; And I certainly could not handle anything before that in my young life that led up to my final breakdowns that put me on social security.
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NOTE; I was thinking of a helper; Someone who wants to help me with this; I will talk to God about having a helper... amen
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So;
When I talk about starting over or starting at these things for music creation and relationship for the first time; Im not kidding.
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And I have to remember; Lots of people out here in this risky landscape of life don’t want to help me; They don’t care what happens to me; they don’t feel led to help me and they are not attracted to me.
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So; God will send the ones that are; Ill have to learn how to reorganize them.
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So; Ive never done these things for real; Relationships or creating my own music completed and performing live. Thats what the goals are.
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However; I have actually gone beyond the beginning of this. For; I have talked to many about all the things I was escaping from telling others; meaning the secrets or those things I felt bad about myself; I have shared most of these with someone or groups by this time. And Ive talked to women I know; Ive told them all my secrets; most of my secrets that I was afraid to tell women. Certainly Ive told numerous groups of men. So; their really isnt any secrets accept how to deal with real world rejection when people don’t find me attractive or of any interest or I tell them I have no money and Im on social security for mental health issues… So; That is the reality of things.
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I have allot to learn in the real world. And the real world is NOW!
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MEETINGS;
Starting to see dissociation problems because Im getting better; Im making social mistakes; these are the same mistakes I made years and years ago trying to makes friends when I was a kid. I tried to make friends only to find the people I was trying to make friends with were scumbags but I didn’t know it. I just thought they would be nice people because Im a nice person.
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Ive gone through this again at the meetings Im at. Suddenly the people I was associating with are not so friendly anymore. And Im seeing the kind of trash they really are; not friendly; Not safe; more like stalkers if one gets close enough to them and opens up to them. Thats whats happened several times… I just had no idea. And this is what happened when I was younger; naive…
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So; its happened again. Im starting to wake up; it puts me in a bad situation because some of the meeting have marginal people and criminals pasts; And yet I was acting like I was safe around them; when I wasn't. Suddenly I get turned on; realizing they were manipulating me the whole time acting like they were close people… In reality they were manipulators…
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Im at the place where it doesn’t matter as much; Ive worked through the main areas I wanted to work through concerning my recovery process; Im on my way to developing again…
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FIRST LOVE Reflections;
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I was watching a cop show… Something; the cops pull over college people… The college people like richy college level upper middle class kids… college age teenagers… and maybe a little older…
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One of the young women steps out of the car and she drunk kind a… shes a little to friendly and wobbling… What I noticed immediately; If I was that age. I would have no attraction to those type of popular richy kids… Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach; as I did when I was a child noticing those kinds; Popular crowd. Like they were way above in another world of privilege and so on. I took one look at this one girl and thought; She makes me sick; no attraction because of this social status; because I know what it really means; they are 2 faced cut throat privileged types. Im not suggesting all of them; Im suggesting Some are Because Ive dealt with several.
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NOTE; This is very good; my present attititude about this; it means self preservation; self love. I knew better when young; I had to much wisdom to get involved with entitled spoiled people who had been given everything and knew no different.. Unfortuantely; I was so very mentally ill when a teen; I was not present anymore and wonder up into their houses.. and will pay a heavy price in the end for doing so...
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The First Love I had; She was one of these.
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Looking at the young women in this video; I thought; My God; I know better then if I was at that age; I know better then to ever get involved with anyone like these women in this video. I knew this when I was a boy; I can see their treachery in these monsters when I was very young and innocent…
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Suddenly When seeing these young women in this cop video getting pulled over; that small child in me could see it and feel it; stay clear of these type of people; They act friendly but cant be trusted for any reason.. They will never be friends with anyone outside their circle.
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THE POINT:
My First Love was one of these; On of these privileged stuck-up people. That's why it backfired. I was delusional.. and mentally ill; because of this; I found myself wondering around finding myself around people like these stuck up popular people on he video. Suddenly on the video these women make me ill and for good reason.
The First Love I had was a mistake. I literally did not know who I had intended to associate with. I didn’t realize or want to see that this girl I wanted to get to know was actually a stuck up monster who would just use me for a short time; not even use; lead on and dump for the fun of it; I never had a relationship with her; I never got physically close. I really thought I was creating a friendship; I wasn't; I was being led on by something I did not understand; something completely evil I did not understand.
However; when I was a small child I understood not to ever get involved with those people.
I was mentally ill; its that simple. And I was destroyed. Thank God God got me out of there; because it was God that got me out of there But was in confused state of delusion for a very long time; many many years of not understanding. Now I understand better. Even tho I gave them my trust; they were treacherous and had no trust ethics; nothing! Wrong people to be associating with …
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Im starting to get enough sanity to see this now!
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Sex
A whole lot of other problems…
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Sex is a huge huge huge huge massively huge problem. I want to feel safe; I want through sexual abuse and harassment when in my adolescent years; I had to stay at a house of predators…
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And therapists assumed abuse when very very young; So;
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Sex is a whole other vlog;
I think Ill wait and talk about it…
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Its got allot of different angles…
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