July 2025
June 2025
I've been moved to watch different vids By Doctors of psychology and physiology and chemistry and neural pathways and other such things; quantum physics; I wont bring up famous names here.
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I'm learning allot;
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What I watching is literally about me; where I'm at right now. I'm making the change over from past to future.
I'm completely in a confusing void.
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I'm literally practicing 1 minute; 2 minute; 5 minute 10 minute meditations when ever I get a thought about something from watching a video about what I would like to do or what I want. I look at part of the video and then have a 2 minute meditation from YouTube.
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I'm meditating on what my higher power and inner being want for me; to align with them through meditation.
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Its uncomfortable to open up spiritually and depend on God to get me to the right people and places and things. it takes chances; I have a history of nothing showing up when I was young; but that wasn't God I'm talking about; I'm talking about people; evil people; Human monsters.
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God is different. God was never called upon or utilized; not really; not in a daily way. I mean. I was so young. God should have been there to protect me...
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So; Im working with God now.
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Working with music is different. What is the goal. The goal is to perform music not just create it. Ill have to work with God on this; the message I'm getting from God right now is; learn how to create things; get good at it; so I can perform in front of others. Thats the direction; its about performing in front of others.
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Its my future; I'm not sure what I want.
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So; I'm right at the start of this.
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I've been getting harassed at the meetings again. So; I have to watch it. I'm trying to grow there and most of those people don't know it; I mean; they don't know what I'm about. And they are never going to.
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So; I'm in the middle of this paradigm shift change. I mean; I've already gone through it. I'm on the other side; but now what. I'm working on that frantically.
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The idea is; what's my purpose in life; what direction am I going and why? What do I believe in; Not much; not out in this world. Not after what I saw and have been through.
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However, that wont work. I've Got to work with my inner being to know what direction to go. I have to become awake if I want to survive. So many things I've done that put me to sleep. I have to wake up.
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Meditation is good; a good direction is good; But what is the direction; that's what I'm looking for. I know I'm moving forward kind of. I need a mission statement.
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I had a kind of mission statement of purpose; I'm going to create music and play it live because its therapeutic for me. I'm going to give something back to the world. Kind of Like a circus clown gives back to the world to make people happy; That kind of thing.
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Ill keep working with the universe on it. Its got to be something I believe in.
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I have no idea what's going on right now. I'm in the middle of things. Centered. I've got to be in the vortex in order to be centered in a safe place. Meaning in the realm of GOd; the vibrational realm.
Something new has to happen; is happening. The goal is to change; wake up and change everything.
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I don't know how to do this; I know how to write new stories for myself and meditate. The idea is to create new energy of belief and attract what I want because of it. But I don't know what I want. I don't believe in anything; not out in the real world.
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I have agoraphobia. I've never wanted to go outside; nothing to go to. I've gone to 12 step meetings in the place of real life.
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Ill keep working with my higher power. I'm not sure. I'm really not sure. I'm in this place of being the creator of my life; so; Ill work with God on all this stuff.
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I'm very blank right now kind of redundant on what I'm writing.
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I'm still stuck; still in the center. I don't know what the universe is going to do. Ill keep praying and writing and meditating.
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I've wanted to study some things. I'm learning how to get up in the morning and do so.
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The goal is to change my thoughts when I wake up in the morning. Its not easy. I just want to feel safe... I want to be around safe people; decent people.
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I want to live a life; a safe life. Ill work with GOd on this.
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My new thoughts have to over power my emotions when I wake up in the morning. I wake up in survival mode; I have to work with God and meditation on newer set of thoughts that are good for me. Keep taking chances and meditate between everything.
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