July 2025
June 2025
Next move; and its very close; clean dishes; clean sink; wash bedding and make bed all the time. And
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When talking to people; understand that I shut down in the beginning; Ive been doing this since being bullied and destroyed when very young... I never got a chance to develop it; my voice or to stand up for myself. I was in 5th grade when I was destroyed or become extreme in dissociation and shut down....
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The goal is to learn to talk again with others right from the start with energy and openness without conceding my agenda to anyone... I want to be strong outside in the real world when around others. .........................................
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The goal is to analyze why I didnt talks to certain people; why! what was I afraid of; Im still afraid; I think deep down inside I didnt feel good enough for them; they were kind of go getters and I was to scared to be with them; they were over the top... Im still working on self; I dont know if I will ever be good enough to face people; certain people. I just want to feel safe..
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So; looking at specific times I was confronted in front of others and saw them as abuser authority figures; what was I doing and feeling and Ive seen women that appeared like this; women who liked me; I saw them as my controlling mother. I dont know that I would want to be around them; to many men they spent time around... No Thanks..............................................
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Im remember special times when I was younger; letting myself day dream and Im getting closer to these times... They are showing up; the frequency; we will see
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I just want to get to know a new person; its been a long long time since trying or wanting to do that; Im the opposite; I didnt want to get to know anyone and get destroyed or hurt; but another part of me wants to get to know people again... So; good things are happening for me... Im slowly coming out of it... But I have allot of work to work on in this area to wake up that I can have a decent life and meet new people and Im safe... and what happened to me in the past is not happing again... Im in the present.... and its my life and I get to do what I want.
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Im really scared to actually have a girl friend that ive gone on dates with; I dont feel good enough or worthy; So; thats what I have to work on; getting back to up to my own speed; getting back into alignment to this level feeling like Im good enough where I have my own independent relationships without asking someone if its OK... meaning the abusers of my past... Moving foward; Ill need much work on my social and internal life building up to this again; I think I can do this again... I need the next world to show up for background foundation... thats where Im headed; that thing I would call a " safe home"; thats what I need to experience for a while... Im right their; very close...
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Im not up to speed with women; and I have to understand that thats OK; Ill work to get up to speed; Im closer then I used to be; Im getting their....
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Im very defensive and dont want to be hurt; so Im defensive... and want to feel safe; thats all I want; just to feel safe; so; Ill ask God and work with God on feeling safe; how and where to feel safe and how to do that.. scary... really scary and at times dont know how Im going to get the recovery to feel safe Im so vulnerable around everything and everyone; this can be a problem at my 12 step groups; I dont know who is let through the door; and ive dealt with some jerks at times; bullies and bad people that have hurt me or saw me as a weakling they can take advantage of.
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Im visualizing my first love in my imagination; making that broken record play again; making it right. One of the biggest breakdowns from that came because I was broken when the relationship fell apart; I died with it; it meant everything to me as for survival; my identity; my success; w art I thought of myself; everything; it was all I had; she was all I had in the world.
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So; working through her in my imagination and letting her go after creating a happy ending will allow me to have a bit more identity strength in the present and that is needed; we will see what happens,. My self worth was associated with her and her families money and prosperity and social position; everything; I was extremely co dependent... horribly a-meshed.
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So; Im seeing a big pattern. I go in shallowly then hit a wall of damage; its like a light of amnesia l not allowed in. but I know I can go over it or past it; it has to do with sexual abuse; My mind wont let me see it... But I will work through it...
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Im seeing now Ive been scared to death to be in a relationship and have someone take a chance on me; id have to tell them my problems and why would they bother with me it would probably freak them out... why unless they were a psych nurse; why would they bother.
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A girl cant understand where Im at unless I tell her; thats my best chance at the moment and possible at this time... However, Ill have to practice first and slowly let God build things for me to un open what has been closed; if you get my meaning.
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I have to let the truth out and I have to deal with the pain... writing about it scares me right now; I think all the major trauma from the past; if I open it I loose the past; Ill have to grieve; but Im getting ready to loose it because Im so tired of dealing with it.
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This girl is associated with all the broken relationships I had at the time; they were all shattered; most at once by the psychopaths.... and later people like this girl I was in love with. So; working on this stuff will also bring up all the other broken relationships and that will be allot of baggage at once to deal with; over whelming.
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Ive mentioned problems with women I did not talk to and after months and months they gave up on me and went out with someone else and this crushed me; I mean; it destroyed me because I would not do that to someone I liked...
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Im realizing maybe thats not just the big deal; by practicing relationship building from the past; remixing relationships; I just might walk up to a new person and start talking to her assuming she likes me say; and suddenly Im back in my childhood completely where I was innocent and had a whole different life that was stolen from me and Im scared to death to have someone trigger me this way; so much so I would not get near anyone in the present; Not yet; but its changing; and I have to think about this a minute and figure out with Gods help how to start opening that up and remembering it and feeling it and letting it out... And I can see by opening up to a women for a relationship all of this stuff; this secretive life comes out; ultimately Im hoping God brings me to the right people to open up to... IF I can open this stuff up; more n more; no more need for the 12 step meetings; to hide in them; that would be nice.
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Im putting great pressure on a women not to make any mistakes with me so I feel safe; also; I dont have any life and that causes great pressure when getting involved with a women... I mean; all of my past and present needs get shoved down her throat since she is all I have and all Im opening up to concerning all of this; she will be the savior that saves me from my childhood from a long while ago.... She will take the place of a mother that never was... Ill be a child and she can listen to me all day long for ever... accept she works...
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Keep letting God open things up slowly and keep thinking in terms of what I want; focus on what I want...
Our partner
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