July 2025
June 2025
Im at this point with the 12 step groups; Ive lived off them as long as I can; it reminds me of when I was hiding in college; I just hid their year after year; would drop out for a year and go back; finally I was so old the other students couldnt tell if I was a teacher or a student... I would hide in the library; I think they finally wanted to get rid of me just to get me out of their school.
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Ive co dependently stayed in the 12 step system; Its got nothing for me anymore; Ive worked through most things and come out on the other side; but not really; but sort a.
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I have a better understanding of relationship problems; I am phobic when it comes to long term relationships. Ive ran away or created drama with the other person and turned on them blaming them for the drama and not showing up around them anymore. I wanted them to rescue me; show up and rescue me like my parents were suppose to because they abandon me; but these women never did. I got mad at them and blamed them.
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Non of the women I ever met in the 12 step systems; regardless of groups had my value systems; most were narcissistic or sociopathic; some were stuck up soccer moms. No potential for dating; impossible and is impossible to this day.
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Short term relationships with women could work but they cant because I would be emotionally crushed. And short term relationships cant fix long term phobic problems.
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Ive got narcissistic problems; kind of; anger; rage; PTSD rage I guess would be a better way of looking at it. So; when it comes to relationships; something is blocking me but I think it needs to be talked out. Just keep talking about it and getting out the pain and hurt and fear.
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One major problem with the 12 step system is all the narcissists that take over meetings as leaders or even with psych backgrounds after being on the streets and on heavy doses of meth for years; this turning them into sociopaths with no conscious; but we are not suppose to know that. Insane; the whole thing...
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Ive been able to come back and make friends with people. Ive been able to pull women aside and talk to them; talk about my lack of self confidence with women. talk about all kinds of things; and Ill continue maybe; but do I need to at this point.
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What do I need from the 12 step systems; Ive been able to pull women aside and talk to them about how I feel. Ive been able to get back in touch with music and art and guitar and other things and push through the walls that I get back to playing again and doing art again; brilliant; unbelievable.
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talking to women again; calling them out; unbelievable considering my dissociative schizophrenic like condition.
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But its like being in a giant zoo. And I go from meeting to meeting to meeting and thats all I do with this life and then go home. No life.
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A New narrative; a new vision for the future; Im now working on a new vision for the future; learning about it and learning how to hold my own. Money attitude and having a car are part of this. Having a soulmate is part of this.
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Do I need the 12 step groups anymore for any of this. Well; maybe; for a place to go when Im emotionally beat up after being outside in the real world; but not really; I need to be hooked up in the real world with real people.
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Right now; Im just repeating in those rooms what I did yesterday; they are becoming my baby sitter and I dont know if I need a baby sitter anymore.
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Can I go out into the real world and function; not yet; I mean; I can function but Im like a 4 year old who is in a grown body. Ive been institutionalized.
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So; making it out in the real world; Ill work with the universe to find out what I want to do in the real world; how I want to live. Im not sure what is out here. I dont know.
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Im in a change period. ive pushed the limits of the 12 step system as far as it can go for me. In a sense; thats what I wanted. I wanted to get better; Im not sure I am all that better; I would say I'm motivated and have healed in many areas; not perfectly; but enough to want to move on.
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The people in these meetings; only a few are good for deeper conversations. At least Ive only been close to a few of them for it. As for women; No! Most go out into the real world for decent people.
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Money; This is the next big manifestation; how to find or receive or create money with a great attitude toward money; that is what Ill pray for.
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