July 2025
June 2025
Its settling in; the beginning of the aftermath of what happened when young; being destroyed. I heard a concept today at a meeting; Christian meeting; Hardship; to a pathway to peace... I can relate to this.
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The girl up the street; my first love; As God has described it to me; It would have been impossible for this person to have a normal relationship or friendship; Impossible. I saw a sensitive neglective person; In reality; this was someone with anti social personality disorder.. THey would never see any value in me ever; regardless; it would have been impossible for them. THey would never have normal relationships with anyone ever; nor attract human real human beings... THey would not have the capability to see any human qualities within someone. Impossible; Impossible then; Impossible now; Impossible ever.
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This person will always revert back to turning on someone. They would never be able to sustain a relationship with anyone other then maybe a criminal minded person maybe; I dont know! No one with any humanity; or what ever; its not personal.
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THe problem was; I never recognized it; I mistook it for loneliness or brokenness or neglect from parents and or... Low self worth or value or.... On n on; In reality; their was nothing wrong with this person. I had simply mis judged a situation 100%; I was around her to long; because it wouldnt get corrected with any immediacy ; it was 2 late... I had already created a bond with her. And in reality; there was no " Her"... Not as I saw it... No real person; No personality to work with...
I was co dependent. I have to work on that. Ill take it to God. Also; I do not know what a normal relationship is.. Where Im whole and the other person is whole.
Before; I was looking for someone to love me that I could love; the right person; someone who needed to be loved and I would fulfill that need; It never worked. I would save them and love them because they would appreciate me; my love for them because they were starving for love; But that never happened because thats not what was wrong with them. They were pathological and would remain so for the rest of their lives probably.
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The people I found that I thought needed to be loved were actually dangerous... They had no problems; I walked into a world of manipulators... So; Its better for me to start with Jesus/God Universe Holy spirit; and work with God on all this stuff to allow God to bring me into the light...
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Ill have to work with God more.
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As for the girl; It hurts. A tender area of self concerning this situation; It hurts; Ill have to work with God to get over it or move through it; or heal from it. ( Do I need my original family system as support for this? NO); times not the issue; Ill wait upon Gods techniques for this; to work on this; However; Im over her tho; Im not connected to her anymore; Its like the Titanic; it went down; but its still on the bottom of the ocean. It still exists. So; GOd will help me because her memories remain; but Im no longer of interest digging them up; THey are many of them; in the graveyard with the dead. And that hurts. I had put great expectations on that situation and it was all built on sand...
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Next subject;
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THE 10TH GRADE....
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So; As Ive been mentioning..
If I were to go back to the 10th grade right now; Things would be different; I would be able to come out of the abyss; I would talk to teachers and principle's and vise principle's; and councilors and everyone else needed. I would tell the truth; Get help for where I was at; Get a plan with all of those in charge and begin. IT would be hard. And I would be able to do this without my parents help; And that is a wonderous brilliant thing to have had happen to me; my thinking. God did this for me. Brilliant... fantastic. God and I saving me together; Unbelievable because I believe in being alive and I believe in life again; and nothing created this from the past; no family systems or relatives or neighborhoods or old school systems or fake friends or false girlfriends; mistaken identities; Associating co dependently with people who never really liked me or wanted me around... All of this is new; created new with new recovery processes in my life; starting at below zero; and now Im being healed of things. We will see where all of this is going!
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So; this is really about God and trusting God.. and working with GOd on all things and taking all things to God...
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Will I be able to do this; Take it all to God and trust God will go into everything I ask and fix it heal it and bring me back to a place of full trust in God; thats what all this is about.
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