July 2025
June 2025
My First Love; Ill be talking about her still; for she is in the story still; but I have gotten past her now; at least from being trapped in it... The universe has moved me on.
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ANd just like a video game where I beat the bosses; to my suprise; a door opens up in the game; a special door because Ive done so well in the game; a trap door; within the game; and a new map is presented to me... I whole new part of the game that was hidden; a new direction; Only obtained because I beat the bosses; lets say its an added perk or bonus for doing a thorough job in the main game; thus a side quest opens up out of nowhere and suddenly the game continues.
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And thus; Ive worked with the universe; and a door has opened up; A door into the 10th grade; Im back. It is an old/new door in my memories... for ever tombed or shut off.
And within the 10th grade is all the damage...
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Ill navigate and explain.
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So; an overview for a while; I dont know anything else.
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First; My first love in 10th grade; I havent really talked about that. I only talked about her up into the 9th grade; I met her between 8th and 9th grade; that summer; I had moved away from my home town back into my mothers house in the new town; The new town where my first love lived. Before this; I was living with my Grandmother in my home town; because no one ever wanted me; my mother and father, They did not want me.... Several times I had to move in with my Grandmother because no one wanted me... I was not wanted so I moved back in with my Grandmother...
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So; Im in this new town and up the street that summer lived the sister of a friend of my brothers... I was invited up to their house to meet her... This was a potential...
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So; Time Change; the camera pans down into my 10th grade years of dismal loneliness defiance and horror.
In this year; I drop out; Drug use becomes much stronger... and later will slow down because of drug overdoses that hurt my brain. I am flunking continually out of school; THis is from trauma and survival mode.. And mental illness.
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As for my first love; In 10th grade; a few months into the 10th grade; Ive already severed my contact with her several times. She; more n more; represents society; and Im dropping out of society.. I want nothing to do with organized society; WHy? If one did not come from a decent family and a family that had money where the kids were loved; they were doomed in this society; and I become one of those destroyed... And when identifying with the trauma class and not the middle classes; I was shunned by everyone regardless 0f age or social position in society..
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So; I dropped out of everything. Defense and survival mode and severe trauma.. I had no one and no support; nothing. As for my first love; in the 10th grade; THe last thing I could relate with was a girl that was going to succeed in life. I guess a few times I called her or showed up around her or at her house; but she had judged me so many times before without finding out what the truth was; I was so sick of people like this; her or anyone else like her. I did like her but it was a double standard; I couldnt stand her at the same time; she was my enemy; My enemy against everything I stood for. She represented the typical society person that never questioned anything. ALways did well at everything and was so far out of my league because of it; we were naturally at complete odds with each other; I could never see her respecting me; ever; for anything; She would only respect a man that did well in society... not a man who on his knees honoring God and being one with himself..
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NOTE; It seemed like those that were true to themselves were looked down upon as mentally ill or corrupt or of the most useless viel nature of an criminal elemental evil; treated like lepers; that's what we were to society. Why would this girl ever change focus of her society success story to look back at me as I was slowly disappearing from life itself.
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The other problem; In the 9th grade; the summer before the 9th grade; I could still look at life as a kid... or beginning teen; I couldnt see anything else... And I could get away with wanting to be popular in school... and I tried to be; tried to get attention from the girls and play drums in band and have million friends; I was popular; it was great for a month; but their was a problem; The other popular kids had families and those families had money and had been helping their children survive and thrive and go to school and do well. I had nothing; I had no family life; no relatives left. No brothers that were functional to work with... No friends from old... nothing. I was flunking out of school from severe trauma; and my taloration for that snobbish evil system that ran over people like me; that only catered to good kids from good neighborhoods; I was at war at this point with everything and everyone...
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As for the girl up the street; my first love; strangely; even tho I judged her as one of the stuck up ones that were no good like the rest of them... She never really did anything wrong to me... She did not dump me. I strangled any possibility of association with her or a relationship to the point that it finely any association with her suffocated to death. However, it did not bother her the least to never hook up with me or ever see me again; she had a thousand other possibilities; a whole world full of possibilities... For me I had only one interest in my heart; that was her; She could not ever be replaced.. And she never was... ever.
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I did not have the whole world; I only at some point turned back to GOd...
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To my surprise she finally moved on; She did not want to naturally hang out with me for any reason; she moved on. Not that we were together or ever had been. This just proved my point that she was corrupted with the rest of them and had never really been on my side. Meaning; she never really cared either way; I really meant nothing to her. She did not care about me or cared what happened to me. The whole thing was a complete waist... Knowing her was a complete waste of time; all of it; a stupid game; that's all it was turned into by her; by people like her... And by me! I didnt know I was playing a game; until the cards were thrown down in front of me and exposed that I lost; I was a loser and I was laughed at...
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However, as Im working on things right now and it has been unlocked into the 10th grade; Did she really turn on me? NO! I did see her in a negative light; but with all frustration; she never turned on me; and that is perplexing. The thoughts I had about her; the negative thoughts; thats what helped me turn on her and never go back; altho it literally ruined me because I loved her... I gave all that up because of her disrespect. I gave her up! And I never accepted myself for that. But it was so confusing and I had no one to talk to; I didnt know what direction to go! Was she on my side? I guess it will never matter; for I never saw her again... I refused to ever talk to her ever again... I never saw her again...
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I could not be around someone that disrespected me. I finally just left... The way she disrespected me concerned me... it crossed over my boundaries and left me confused; I asked the question; What does this person really think about me? Something just isn't right here...
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I; being myself; and Im not accepted. THis did not make sense to me...
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However, still; even saying this or writing it right now; and I can tell you; She never turned on me.. She just didnt.
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In reality I pushed her away until she had no choice but to finally write me off as a negative and move on. And she did; almost to easily as if she had never met me!
However, As she told someone later; I meant nothing her; as if I was a joke of no importance to have met...
I never asked her out; she was never my girlfriend... I just hung out with her a few times... Im not sure if Im saying any of this right...
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IF Im not giving the right picture; I dont know... But I was hurt and never believed in her ever again or anything else. it was all a sick joke and the sick joke was on me... I was the joke! and I never knew; I just didnt.... I found out in the most horrible worthless ways... THese people just thought they were to good for me and everyone else. The problem was; I was dealing with the privileged class. I will not know what that will really mean until the 9th grade and more; moving into the 10th grade; suddenly I could see the classes dividing on each other... In this society; my worth was becoming valuable based on who I knew or how much money I came from and not on who I am on the inside or whether I knew God or not and how well I tried to have a relationship with God...
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I went from popularity; starting in the 9th grade; after a few months it started going downward; by the time In in the 10th grade; after a few months; Im able to see the writing on the wall and want nothing to do with society or groups or people anymore; I end up attracting 3 people and thats all. whats interesting tho; I remember those three people... I can see them now in my mind. once pairing everything out from my life; letting everything fall as it may; those three people were the ones that showed up; They were all good people; average people; but non steamed to be popular or needed to be...
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NOTE; In the 10th grade; women horrify me; after all I had been through; I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them; They spelled death for me... They seemed to be the opposite of God; on the wrong side of things. They were treacherous and not safe to associate with... They were truly Godless. They seemed worldly with no concious; no right or wrong... and could care less. THey didnt seem to care about anything; especially anything aligned with God! Nothing. I wanted nothing ever to do with them again; ever. I felt they were a purely evil force in society and would bring society down; they were traitors to their people... I simply could not stomach this. I just wanted to be left alone until I died...
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I did think about my first love all the time. But what was the point... IT was endless misery. She was forever gone; a memory; and nothing more...
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I continued to reach out to God; but God never really became a working real God in my life until I got into the recovery process. Im sure God was with me as I slowly come through high school and the next few years... God kept me alive through very troubled times. And finally when completely gone from mental illness; I joined the recovery process and from scratch; learned about God again... this time out of desperation.
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I remember my maturity level in 1oth grade; no movement from 9th grade. I had nothing... And I was flunking out of school completely; I wanted nothing to do with established evil... this system... No one cared about my life in this system... No one; especially that girl I met in the summer of the 8th grade; And one things continued to trouble me; This one thing; She never really did anything to me... I just simply dropped away..
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I never forgot about her because Im a decent person. I just wanted to feel safe.. I wanted to be treated with respect; it never happened; I was shunned and ignored and thrown away from this shallow corrupt culture; Society. I was unseen and forgotten all my life.
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The problem is; when they throw someone away; it means death. And I will never forget that.. Ever! I never trusted this society ever again.
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This girl was willing to never see me again or care... And that kind of person is not the kind of person I will ever associate with... why would I; it stands for everything I do not stand for...
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So; I was at a strange dilemma. I stood up for what I believed in and lost the girl... I lost her for ever and ever and ever.
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Later in life; all I could do was take all of this to God; when in the recovery process and have God sort it out.
As I woke up in the recovery process; I first dealt with addiction and trauma present problems; it will be much later to get back into my real past; the deeper past.. Amnesia had blocked all of this; nothing that Im writing about existed later for me... I did not have access to any of this anymore; my mind separated me from everything from the past... I was not allowed to remember anything about anything...
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When in the 10th grade; more n more I cared about nothing; it was made clear to me my mother was no mother; I was not wanted and never had been and this was getting worse. At some point by the time Im in the 11th grade; I want to move; go back to my hometown. Leave; and I will. And much bulling will occur.. but I really dont care; I dont care about anything. I stopped caring about my life so many years before... So the 12 grade is horror and humiliation and bulling. Thats all it is; and trying to make up three years in one so I can graduate; and I did...
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This is not all my information of that time period; but its a beginning; and its the beginning of the horror; more horror of that time period; and the real loss of that time period; and its the story of that girl of the girl I knew from that time period. I would not be chasing after her ever again or anyone else. And I will never see her again.
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I was through with any kind of relationship with anybody... I had had enough of this corrupt people. I did not want a girlfriend or anyone; I did not want any of this filth from this society; its people; any of them getting near me; I just wanted to be left alone to die alone... in peace... No one of these worthless middle class people or upper middle class people or rich people or well to do or what ever any of this was. Or any of the other lower classes... I didnt mind so much the lower classes accept they start turning into sociopaths and bullies and violent and thieves and criminals and drugs and jails and such; And I wanted nothing to do with that; THis was not about jails and institutions for criminals; That was not a direction I was going in. I wanted peace and to just be left alone from this horrible place...
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I fell away from society because no one cared about me at all; its as if I never existed; did not matter and what happened to me mattered not because I was a throw away ghost...
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I had no one and no one cared if I died.. and I just wanted to die; thats all I ever wanted... I had no one.
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Later; I will go back into the Bible and read about God... I will go through many hardships later to get me to a point of getting into the recovery process.
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As for what is important; THe girl; it was a 2 edged sword of values. On one side; I loved someone; on the other she didnt love me; need me. She had a whole future ahead of her without me; to have the best of things without me... And she didnt need me; or seem to care in the least... I meant nothing to her; I was not worth find out about. When It was 2 much for her to humble herself to find out about me or save me or atleast think about me; she didnt bother; she just moved on. And I didn't chase after her. I just stayed away from her and everyone else and stayed to myself and watched her disappear for ever. I saw her at school at times; It destroyed me in side. She was popular and succeeding even more. I was unseen and falling away dropping out more n more; I was part of the unseen throw aways; and finally I will disappear for ever and move away.
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As for the girl; I will take her to God at a much later date when my mind returns to me a bit from mental illness... It was all buried; all my feelings and what happened here. And it will be much later until I decide to work with God first and with the support of the recovery system and process Im involved in; I will work with all of these things and start uncovering this ancient history...
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