July 2025
June 2025
Page 1
.
New Blog;
Dating women when very young; and my interest in women;
Realizing; I had the right idea in relationships but the people I was associating with had no morals or ethics or values. For some strange reason I never checked that or looked for it. I was afraid I would be rejected if I found the right people.
.
NOTE: Concerning women; No one helped; Nothing. No One cared; Nothing. What kind of people did I hang out with? I thought I would be loved; Why? I didn’t realize all the scumbags that were out here.
.
I also suffer from Madonna whore complex- Sigmund Freud.
.
.
NOTE: Im realizing just how much the people I associated from the past that I thought I was building relationships with; just how much they didn’t respect me or even feel anything for me; I meant literally nothing to them accept laughing contempt; I was being played like a fool the whole time and never knew it… Its horrifying and sickening. Its evil; it is what it is. So; instead of getting mad at them; Get involved with God and let God pull me out of this horror abyss into Gods realm…
.
.
ANXIETY Disorder…
.
This is an issue… Being up and close to others… interacting; communicating… Dissociative problem.
.
Im seeing myself coming back slowly into whom I used to be when young. ( my level is the bowling level; like a bowling ally; blue collar basic). Thats my league; thats where I start.. Gods orders.
.
I have a problem dealing with criminally minded people. That is a problem; Ill have to work with God on… To get away from that…
.
.
I just need more time and more work with meditation and visualization to attract or manifest what I want.
.
.
.
.
OCCUPATION:
I don’t know… Ill have to open up; trust God… work on this to just open it up.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SOCIAL;
Page 2
.
So its happening;
.
In my groups; There's different people; some young people that I kind of joke with from a distance. I was in the store the yesterday; I saw them walking in the store in my direction. I suddenly had to decide. I trusted enough; I looked at them and waved. They were walking in my direction; Joking; I jumped in front of my cart to hide my ice-cream; Ive been making jokes in meetings about gaining Wait and drinking milk shakes.
.
So I jumped in front of my cart; and tried to make a kind of joke like I was hiding my ice-cream. He made a comment about; “ Well its better then other options laughing kind of…
.
That was a pure social interaction. I responded when I saw these people; I opened up. Its been a long time since opening up in front of others; especially when Im taking a chance socially with people I really don’t know. I don’t know how they really feel about me. But I took a chance as if I meant something to them. In the end; I didn’t… I might be more of an oddity to them; meaning; I think they like me; when they don’t like me that much. I might think they think highly of me when they don’t. They see me as an oddity.
.
What does this mean; This means; PURE SOCIAL CHANCE TAKING. The fact I took an open stance around them and not hide; AVPD; That is the big change that's occurring. It was brutally socially hard. I was forced on the spot to social deal with this…
.
This was horribly uncomfortable. It was frightening. However; it had the feelings of when I was younger with a partner.. When I had a car and a girlfriend. The interactions…
.
Ive been working with God; and it doesn’t surprise me that socially Im put into confrontational situations but the people Im interacting with are safe. And it crossed into that interactive social level of friends. IT was so very uncomfortable.
.
The problem is; I have to get stronger or want to. But lots of people from these meetings are not the right people for this. However; the general public is not always the best people for this either. Ill have to keep working with God on this.
.
The reality of working through social stuff is very hard. I probably wont get to close to getting to know people for this very reason; Im forced to open up like friends.
.
I dress like a HOBO; a Bum; like Im socially hiding. And as I slowly get better. Im being confronted…
.
I could say the universe was helping me socially because things are changing. This is a hardcore practice socially.
.
Page 3
.
.
So; everything is proceeding correctly under God… Ill have to keep working with God. Things are changing for me.
.
Im changing. Im moving forward back into society and away from the 12 step groups… Its just started in this arena.
.
AVPD/Dissociative disorder…
.
Ill have to work with God on how to come out of this enough to become a person socially again.
.
I haven't had any money; so; its been hard to be part of anything.
.
The realities with these problems; these social problems are; its like being in concrete; I might have allot of ideas but socially couldn’t move; It doesn’t appear its easy for the universe to move me forward either. Im trying to say; Its like trying to figure out how to get someone to come out from underneath their wall… So; the universe creates a situation where Im caught off guard and not hiding under the wall. And suddenly people I know that might be safe; they show up around me. And Thus; I go through what I went through at the store… I deal with confrontation.
.
Ive never been on a date before;
I was watching a you-tube vid; roasting people on Tic Toc.. I was listening to a women talking about dating; Suddenly it hit me. Wait a minute. “Ive never been on a date before”.
First thing I think of is; At my Grandparents; where I was sexually abused and violated and more destroyed. I was completely unable socially to be part of anything… because of this and how I ended up thrown away…
It was never safe; I was never safe anywhere…
.
The only girl I was ever around was FIRST LOVE ( I was never around her; actually; only for a second). That was short lived and was nothing. It actually was over before it started.. I basically said hello and ran off.. It never went any further ( it never started in the first place). I was laughed at and that was that… It wasn't even an acquaintance. It was nothing… Thats as close to me opening myself up authentically to someone for a date.. It never went further then their front door… And the door was slammed in my face!.. And that was that! FIRST LOVE ( Now Doubt she had several guys at the same time of a much greater value then me. I was of no value and it was silly to think I was the only guy around her. I find out the horrible humbling truth; I was not even the only guy around her; she had a whole slue of men in waiting; 5-8 of them probably. I was just to innocent to know what was going on… I just didn’t know… It sad… Anyway… I was alone… Sickening.
.
.
Something hit me when I was watching this Youtube video; I got a thought from the universe; What league am I in; What is my Correct League.
The problem I had with FIRST LOVE and other situations socially; I was always ending up around people way out of my league I never had a chance with. Because I never had a chance with them; I would never be able to succeed in those places. Those people were unable to see any worth; They didn’t care to see my worth; Or and; They didn’t have to; They knew I wasn't in their league and they were waiting for me to leave. They would put forth no effort… For them; I was a loser hobo; joke.. They were aghast I had even entered their presence…
.
OKE; Well; with Gods help Ive accepted whats happened in the past. However; looking at the past; I realize; Ive never had a date. Ive never been on a date. Ive never been with a person right sized for my league where I would have had to match the other person as a real possibility for a future. Someone at my league. Ive never been on a date with someone of my league level. That is way to hard for me to face; AVPD>.. Dissociative disorder. I never earned the experience
.
SO; I realize; Ive never been on a date before… never. Most of what I wanted to do with my life; I had thoughts about when very young… But they never came true because I was pulled from my home when I was 9… and everything stopped. So; I went no further on anything.
.
So; as I wake up; I realize; Ive never been on a date with a girl when younger or a women when I was older. Nothing. Zero…. What does this mean; it means Ive never worked on this.. It was not part of my existence; it had been erased.
.
So; thats where I start. Ands that's where God wants me to start; as my actual self…
.
My actual self has no status because I never earned status… I would have had to earn status because; I had nothing else going for me then what I earn. However; all of that was ripped to pieces; my independent life..
.
So; Now; Im asking God to bring me back to myself again and keep me safe; Teach me what I need to know… \.\
The fake best friend;
I have to let go of the thoughts of the past; the people I remember. Its interesting now; now that Ive worked on the past. Suddenly The fake best friend I had when very very young; he seems to be more important then the rest of the past people that used me; He seems to be on my mind; his family on my mind when I was younger. My interactions with his family and him. My interests and Goal is to get rid of him from my mind completely; from my younger life; all of it; Him and his family; so I can work with God on a more honest background where I would have started with nothing and would have had to earn my way through all of it.
.
I thought I would have been under a fathers care; and been safe. Unfortunately; that would not be the case. So; I spent my life dissociated from reality.
.
Looking back; Ive been mentally ill my whole life. Looking back; I can hardly believe the way I was brought up; there were no parents anywhere ever… I didn’t know anything was wrong when I was a young child until I realized they weren’t showing up to help me in school; year after year. That is why I reached out to kids at a very young age to be my friends. I ended up at their homes when I was 5-6; it just seemed normal to me. Unfortunately; I will be used by their families; I just didn’t know the reality of life yet..
.
Parents; they always knew!
Now; I realize; they got information sent to them from the school system from teachers; they knew exactly where I was at in the school system. They didn’t care…
.
.
.
Where do I go now in my recovery. Ive awakened a bit. Im a bit different then even several months ago.
The 12 step groups are not the answer for this. Ive out weighed my welcome in those places. Ive been able to be incognito for most of that experience; others not really knowing the real me deep down inside; what Im going through and what Im exactly trying to fix; How could they; or anyone else. And how I could I know what goes on deep down inside everyone who goes to those meetings. I get it; the more surface things and certainly fear and anguish come out; but everyone has their own personal stories I don’t know anything about…
.
Im suggesting the goal I have of learning how to live without drinking or any other mind controlling substance; How do I live without dissociation…. I realized; I never lived! How do I live…
.
So; Now I want to go back and start over and learn how to live. And God is showing me a way…
.
In the 12 step meetings; This is re reinforced; The concept of learning how to live without substances.. What ever that means to each person?
.
However; Now its more specific for me; my problems… And I want to go to places that can help me work on those problems… I do not feel safe at 12 step meetings for these things… To many wierdo’s and sociopaths show up there…
.
I would like more personalized safer specific care. Dont know yet.
.
I know my time at these meetings may be over. But their must be a replacement with life. So; anyway; Ill work with God on all this.
.
Everything is fine.
.
The biggest problem I have is Food; and age…
Im so grateful to be at this place in my life. Unfortunately its taken 2/3rds of my life to get here.. So; I my time on planet earth has a biological clock… Anyway; thats not for me to worry about.
.
I guess what Im saying is; Im seeing signs in my behavior of breaking out. Im getting the feeling of alienating people in the meetings; This is happening because Im moving forward; Im more bold within meetings to tell about what is really going on inside me at personal levels; personal levels that can be judged harshly by others and separate myself from them. I have a God. Ill work with God on it.
Ive lived in dissociated fantasy-land in order to survive; its the only thing that kept me safe; Now; it keeps me in poverty. Well; Im doing better tho… As I come out of this Fantasy land thinking; I look around and realize Im in poverty.. This is not a bad thing to see because its indicates I am wake and I am seeing out into the real world.
This indicates Ive not developed in the world; Ive developed AVPD and Ive develeped in my mind. It is within my mind Ive stayed safe.
.
Page 4
.
.
So; Im trying to get to grips with this so my insides match my outsides. I made a joke at a meeting yesterday; My league level is at the level of a bowling ally; where Im bowling in a bowling lane. When that bowling ball touches the bowling lane; thats the level of my league. It sounds low; but its actually down to earth. More importantly; Its mine! Its great; its fantastic; I know myself; God has shown me; This is my starting point and the level God brings things to me.
.
.
.
My goal now is to re write my history; every day; year of my young life up to 20 years old. Work with God on this to create new scenarios for myself of those ages. Thats the idea.
.
My goal is to get the past false co dependent living style; get those memories out of my past; stop focusing on them as if Im missing something because im not back their; or that Im so trauma bonded from the past; those experiences; I cant live without that co dependency; This must go. I must come forward and start over; just me and God. Ill have God help me see those past situations for the worthlessness they really are; and when I do this; Ill be able to move on from them. Those past memories are empty. I never developed. Instead; I hung around others that developed but I didn’t. Other peoples parents and experiences where teaching them how to live. I was getting nothing getting nowhere…
.
As for women. Ill need to become a whole new person; a much more grounded responsible person… The person I always wanted to be or thought I would become; from a young persons perspective. So; I have allot of work to do getting in line with God.
.
GOALS:
I have to get back with God and be cleared of the past; this happens by Sanity. So; as I capture sanity and wake up; I become myself again in reality… And from their Im starting over at zero; Im starting at the starting line. And I have to work with God to get to this place and then with God; start over as is. That seems where God is taking me… And other things will come after this; but not before… I guess. Ill keep working with God on this..
.
.
.
Im scared and under-confident and developed; Ill need much experience to become myself again; So; Ill be working with God become myself. The goal is the starting line. Ill need helpers from God. So; Ill be working with God on these things.
.
So; Ive never dealt with a real person before at my level for a relationship. When I say my level; I mean; someone equal that I cant manipulate( so I can run away) or run away from because they don’t care… Instead; Ill be dealing with someone at my level; I can kind of see it… kind of. Ill have to work with God on these things.
Ill have to invest myself and put some time into it; and thus; when I show up; Ill be losing something after preparing… What does this mean. It means nothing is free. Ill have to get used to what happens
PAGE 5
.
.
.
when things don’t go my way when Im actually being my real self again. Ill have to stand up for myself and like myself as I am. Very hard. God help me. Ill have to gain experience standing up for myself. I have allot of areas to gain experience in. I actually get to re grow again. This means I can grow into areas Ive not been in before… That means most of my lfie.
.
.
.
.
I have to work with God to get rid of my past specifically memories of my best friend and his family when I was really really young; because I turn to those memories for my identity and those memories are wrong. They are not an honest reality of who I was and what I am.
.
I asked the question; What was really happening In my life at that time? . I want to be free of this so when I look back at my life; I see nothing. Im completely alone; a transparent beginning. And I work with God to deal with it and learn how to live being dependent on God and nothing else in this world or life. I was actually all alone when young; I just never knew it; No one was really taking care of me and I wasn't really getting any emotional love or acceptance.. I got no development.
.
So; Ill work with God to clear out my beginning processes in life that I can start over.
.
.
.
.
So; its about starting over again and being myself as myself and starting as myself; my real self without any extras… Just as is..
Im not at a place where no one owes me anything. I am at some places where I don’t think anyone owes me. So; I still have many places Im in Disney Land Fantasy; and not in reality; I have to work with God to learn how to become stronger to face what I have to work on and face to be able make my way out of Disney land Fantasy.
.
Because in my Fantasy I don’t have to create anything or do anything to have something. In my fantasy I don’t have to work at anything to have something.. My goal is to come into reality under Gods care and learn to handle what ever it is I have to do in that reality to have a life; In this reality to have a life.
.
.
WOMEN/DATING: NOW AND IN MY YOUTH: IM BEGINNING TO SEE IT..
.
God Universe; It has begun; God is beginning to fill my imagination properly.
.
Lets talk about leagues.
Because I was a throw away; I spent my young life trying to end up at someone elses house to become friends with their kids. I thought their kids liked me and liked me coming over; THEY DID NOT! I didn’t know this.
Page 6
.
.
My neighborhood when young;
2 sides when I was a child; the North side and the South side. On the North side were the rich houses several blocks down to The North. On the South side; The more basic middle class working class houses; A few blocks to the South.
.
I played with kids on both sides… the south side; the north side. Kids are kids; right? Maybe not? This is what I know!
.
The children on the North side; In the end; and I didn’t realize it; None of them wanted anything to do with me because I was not wealthy or strong middle class or upper middle class. I did play at their homes at times because I was 5-8 years old. I played with their kids I met at school. I didn’t know they were using me… The parents were using kids like me to socialize their children; they did not want me to become to close to their children or to become actual friends with their children… The parents were using me… They wanted me gone when I reached just beyond childhood level…
No one on the North side missed me. Non of those kids. If you were to ask any of those kids; they would individually and as a group say; “ I meant nothing to them”…. And that was the end of that. That includes friendship or later romantic interest. No girl on that side of the blocks would ever be interested in a romantic relationship. They date their own. I had to learn this brutal lesson the hard way… I not only never had a chance with them romantically; I never had a chance with them period; including friendship. However; I was never invited to meet them either… So… its not all their fault.
.
Am I as good as these children from the North side? It doesn’t matter; I don’t exist to them.. Caste system; I come from a different part of town. I was never invited to that part of town. Thus; I had no business being their…
.
South side;
So; I made friends on the South side of the blocks; How did that work. It worked. Would those kids have missed me and called me friend; YES!~ Even to this day. What about romantic relationships; I don’t know?
.
.
My league; What league am I from. Im not from the North side; the swim and tennis clubs; That is not my league says God. OK GOD; what is my league; From Jesus; “ How about the bowling league”! Stop! ( pause). Wow! OK GOD!
.
Well; My league is the ground level of the bowling ally. When I throw the bowling ball down the bowling lane; when that bowling ball hits the ground; thats my ground level league… There it is.
.
Is this Bad? NO! This is fine!~
. IF I was young again;
Q/. God; Are their any cute girls at the bowling ally; YES! Says Jesus!~ OK.
Q. GOD; They are not refined like they are on the North side. Response from God! Dear Omnicell! You will become friends with them and you both will learn how to become refined working together into the kind of refined people you want to be. I will send people into your league at the level of your league..
.
Page 7
.
.
.
This is an interesting answer; it suggests a few things. It suggests I wont be chasing after anyone. The girls at my league level will show up where I show up; at the bowling ally. We will both be at the same level; the same league… ( Bowling Ally) can mean many things… God will help me in the present design a way of living that works for me around this…
.
This suggests we will become friends.
This suggests we will be working together to better each other
This also suggests something very important; This suggests we are BOTH unrefined. And this is news to me.
.
NOTE: I Was acting like I was REFINED and a Gent about town of importance; When in reality; I was just a bowling league guy wearing a Zuit suit playing the part of President. It was all fake; I was not refined nor did I earn my stripes… Who was I; I had not earned anything. I had no idea who I was. I was a young kid who watched TV all the time. Not much more then that; However; when young; God would have sent me someone just like me; and we would have worked together to become more then just us.
.
I want to hang out with the rich;
I wanted to Hang out with the people of the North; the rich people in their rich houses; but I was not educated or refined like them nor had I earned super perfect grades like their children. I had actually done nothing in school but flunk out most of the time. I had no supervision of any kind and didn’t know it. And I needed to escape from where I was at because no one there in the house I was in… it was like I was alone all the time.
Yes; the cards that were dealt me did not allow me to do well at anything. I spent my time in defense mode. So.. or; fantasy mode…
.
.
So; this tells me allot.
.
Im starting to get a bigger picture of things… God is putting my direction into my heart. Now I must work with God… On this.
.
.
.
When young; when a young teenager;
What if I meet a broken girl from the North side? STOP! I wont be because God is not sending someone like that to me. Why? IF Jesus Cant save them H_ze…. What makes me think I can. Am I greater then Jesus! End of story… Unfortunately; I didn’t know this as a teenager and I shall be destroyed because of it.
.
And the same goes for the present as I wake up now. When I meet women; they must be at my league level; even now!
.
.
.
Page 8
.
.
What happened to me a Century ago with rich girls when I was a teenager; is what happens to women today on Tic Toc; They become Alpha Widows; I became a cheerleader Widow;
.
These girls on Tic Tok; They never get over “ Chad”; The Boss Boy Mega Dude they were following who gave them lies and some attention so he could sleep with them several times and then dump them. Girls like this stepped out of their league; delusionally found a guy that wasnt attracted to them but wanted to sleep with them for the bedroom fun then dump them. Those Top men don’t need anything more from those Tic Tok Girls.
.
I to was like an Alpha widow; but of a girl who lived on the North side.. She was not attracted to me; But I didn’t know that; I just didn’t understand the game… I was just looking for a friend to build a relationship. Im afraid I was handling things like a 8 year old instead of a young adult… These girls were way beyond their years in maturity; the girls I knew at my age at the time; 14-15-16; Im sure some of them had already been with Guys 21 years old from colleges and so forth. Nothing new under the sun accept my maturity level. I was dealing with the wrong kind girls when I was young.
Today; even tho Im old; Im know better now. I know God will only bring me someone at my league level…
.
Will I be interested in affluent people out of my league;
NOT ANYMORE! THANKS TO JESUS CHRIST!~
Thanks be to God who set me strait and put me back in the bowling ally I came from. And Ill start from their Thank you!
.
My Girls come from the bowling leagues; and Im damn proud of it! If I want more; Who ever God sends me; Me and her will work together under God to build something.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I don’t deserve what I havent earned!
.
So; the more I worked with God and Im slowly coming back into reality; I began to realize; I get what I worked toward and I start at the bottom because thats where a person starts who has not worked for anything. And Im OKE doing so… And I have recovery groups to help me get through it. Im no different then anyone else.. I start at the most natural normal place; the starting line. However; I had expectations and righteous anger and How dare they tell me I have to start at the beginning of anything; don’t they know who I am. Well! The answer is; NO! They actually didn’t know who I am. No one does.
Page 9
.
So; in a sense; I didn’t work for anymore then what I had… if I hadnt worked for anything yet; I start where Im at; I take it to God and pray about it and meditate everyday; I like guided meditations. And slowly answers from the universe began to show up… And I start under Gods care where Im at. What if Im 2-5 years off of starting at the Starting line; GREAT: NO problem; Ill start where Im at and Ill get support for what Im doing so Im not alone; great; no problem. At some point Ill work my way up to the starting line. However; I believe I have to see it first in my imagination and believe it first and then Ill go in that direction.
.
I start with prayer and meditation;
.
Getting on my face and knees humbling myself to God everyday; numerous times a day; This brings about great results after awhile. I worked for connection with God. I felt I had the right to expect some kind of connection with God…
.
IF I never reached out to God or prayed; Why should God take me seriously. When I pray the universe is listening. God is listening and sees my interest…
.
.
Take one step after the other for what what I want; this entails many things.
.
I have had massive contempt and hatred concerning these type of things… That I have to take steps forward… However; As I grow up and God helps me and I get support. Im learning how to take steps forward… One step at a time toward what I want. I start in my imagination.
.
I cant really handle this yet; The real idea of actual steps in the real world; it seems hard.
.
Creating real steps in my imagination that I would use in the real world; seeing myself doing it; this will take a few months of work in my imagination.
.
Im heading into a new arena.
.
Im heading into that place where I practice the development of steps… Steps toward what I want and then in another segment; I practice standing up to what ever it is I want to talk to and ask them for what I want… And its kind of that simple; but that horribly hard for a dissociative.
.
.
THE MEETINGS:
God always has me one step beyond those places.
.
Im feeling the pressure; Some don’t want me their; Im twice their age and I talk twice as much about basically the same things everyday; every meeting… Im usually at every meeting.
Page 10
.
.
I like the ida of working on one specific thing everyday until it shows up. When I speak I give back. Some do like me at the meetings; Many don’t… Im being stalked at the meetings.
.
MEETINGS:
The goal for meetings this round of things.
.
Get my music abilities back
Get my art abilities back
Get my relationship abilities back.
.
Music has come back
Art has come back
Relationship stuff; Im working on that…
.
.
I am getting better! Feeling more independent and solid.
.
.
.
.
.
WHAT HAPPENED?
.
I felt 2 things that were personal.
I was at a meeting; a women; many women sitting across from me on the other side of the room; I cant help but look over at them because; theirs no other place to look when I look up; so I try not to…
.
There are few new women that have come into the meetings; new people in general. And its hard deal; one cant think that they will be to friendly; they are deceptive. They act friendly and act single( from a distance). This means; they act single. Suddenly a few month later; they show up with their original boyfriend and act completely different… They act like they are trying to protect themselves against the other guys in the room who obviously are thirsty for them… Obviously?
.
This type of deception is not new…
.
However; a strange thing occurred in me. Something I haven't felt in a long time. I shared once; it was uncomfortable with those people in the room.
.
Well; I shared again… In front of them anyway; about growing up; Me growing up. I did what my higher power wanted me to do. I spoke again; it was all uncomfortable. I realized the humiliation of being in these places…
.
Heres the strange bizarre point; Somehow; Relationally; Something happened to me…
.
PAGE 11
.
.
As I was sitting and these people showed up; These women with there boyfriends… And others; including more women…
.
IT wasn't easy to share; I felt exposed and my feelings surprised… However; Ill try to explain things..
First; it gave me an accurate level of where Im at relationally with the development within myself concerning everyone and concerning women. So; this was stunning; This is why I go to meetings around people; This stuff happens around people; it does not happen when Im alone… it gave me an accurate level of the work Ive done in the relationship areas… where Im at relationally.
.
Next;
Something else strange happened after I shared a second time. I shared about liking myself regardless these days of where Im at in my life; learning to like myself regardless…
.
Something happened relationally; 2 things happened; I got stronger and felt suddenly fuller… better.
.
Meaning in the relationship area… I got stronger and felt taken care of; was it God? What ever it was; I got a boost twice… 2 areas… like I got loved; Like someone loved me; Like I got a relationship… and someone was loving me. I felt it must have been me loving me? I guess; from God; it was strange. I mean. It was like a father or mother had just taken care of me or loved me. And it internalized.. I cant describe it.
.
NOTE: I am ready to go back to regular therapy if need be… And get away from these open meetings… To many wierdo’s or people who don’t care about me or understand me. That was the point in the first place; to be around people that didn’t understand me so I could just blend in… be a nobody… Now; as I open up and stuff is surfacing; I don’t want to deal with all these predators in the groups. Half the people complaining in some of these groups about predators Are predators…
.
Its also about my boundaries; I loved myself enough not be affected by the other people in the rooms; the women that show up with their boyfriends with a kind of protection attitude while they look at me and others as if everyone is a predator or weakling who is thirsty for them; suddenly they show up with their boyfriends for protection kind of thing… Not the first time Ive felt that and Im certainly not the only one whos had it weaponized against them; half a room can feel it… I guess Im just tired of it..
.
Regardless; My boundaries went up; the ones from God; it was like God put up boundaries and protected me from these menacing people. God is protecting me.
.
Whats incredible; I just jumped 2 squares forward in this process of relationship rebuilding. I mean; I did not expect to get feed emotionally and feel better; not with others in the room and the way I and others can get treated by this stupidity.
.
Im further along. Im shocked…
.
Page 12
.
.
I felt embarrassed or exposed; I just kept it to myself; Not just me but who ever! It strangely backfired. And a strange thing happened; I felt loved in 2 different ways. Going to meetings being subjected to this insanity. it backfired; They will never learn…
.
And ill be their tomorrow for the same thing.
.
I had protection; I had F_cking protection; The part of me that is protecting me… like a giant shield and I had God… And I had something else; LOVE! A wall of self love went up and took advantage of this situation and allowed me to grow 2 hits thicker or more. I actually Got love. Incredible. Something loved me. Someone loved me. God loved me.. My protectors from heaven loved me.
.
I got this feelings like protection because Im worth more then these scumbags pulling these games; I had a whole wall of protection that I don’t remember ever having before; or having up before. I mean; its incredible; but I also got information about relationships ; I mean; I grew in a positive sense as if someone fed me candy; like I actually got fed from something; like the universe was feeding me causing the opposite affect of the shaming behavior of those trying to shame people in the rooms. It had the reverse affect…
.
Its all God; I don’t know what is going on here… But im getting better. And I left the meeting early; I asked God; I mean I was completely in God at those moments and I got this feeling I left those other people to themselves; who could not energy destroy me anymore; Kind of like I won! All very interesting.
I didn’t leave empty handed; I left full. Much fuller of myself…
.
And as I mentioned; I spoke twice; my inner feelings in front of these people anyway. Showing that Gods direction for me and value for me will not be put down. people who don’t value me will not be stopping my voice. I mean; I don’t care enough about them to go that deeply about them or what they did… their just another set of people lost in this vast bi way…
.
NOTE: I mention having a voice and standing up for it… Im getting to the point that Im getting to strong for the meetings.. Maybe Im 80% their.. Im getting kind of independent kind of… I think; but Im still broken.
.
Im shocked that I can be so no caring about the whole thing and just walk away with all value intact. I mean; when did I remember God helping me out like this before. Damn. Im not used to being so resilient.
.
I feel like because Im worth more then this; suddenly God stood up for myself.. and a part of me that is looking out for me stood up for me; Its was like another part of me that bows down to God was standing watch over me watching me and looking out for me and taking care of me. And God was behind him… And God was directing to make sure I was taken care of and safe. I wasnt alone…
.
Page 13
.
.
I will say this; the women who do these things; like the ones across from me ( time to time) in the meeting rooms; no way to tell they would end up doing this; being lying or deceiving; They appear completely sincere and nice; And its a complete trap… devious sickening; an act of complete contempt toward others and me; who ever else they are spitting in the face of… But it didn’t seem to work! It did catch me off guard; When they are their with their boyfriends; I have to just look in other directions. Im like; Im worth to much for this and God protected me and got me out of there without ever giving up any of my self worth. Incredible.. Its not perfect; its not like Im not affected; but its not the first time haters have deceived. The good news is; if I keep going and start to feel better; I wont have to go back their as much.
.
NOTE; I am old.
I then prayed during the meeting on what to do and God let me know it was OKE for me to get up and get out of there and leave those other people to their own misery and evil.
.
.
.
Concerning First Love;
NOTE: When I felt good about myself; That is how I felt when I met FIRST LOVE; An exceptionally evil person. By the time I left my experience with her; I was completely emptied as a person; as a vessel; And destroyed. I had no idea I wasnt safe.
.
Today had that similar feel of betrayal; but it didn’t work on me to day; Those others in the room; it shocked me but it didn’t have an affect on my worth; just the opposite happened; I found out just what Im really worth to myself and God! Its like those idiots in the room didn’t even count… And I Got out of there.
.
So; Im feeling better about myself… Its just kind of starting… I guess; I mean; its crazy; Im actually feeling better about myself.
.
NOTE: I also feel the emptiness of not having a home when young; during my adolescence.. and a future taken. And being robbed of my life when young. Being stripped of everything. This is the nature of the psychopath; they will take advantage of children because they are the easiest prey to attack… to torture…
.
Whats most important about today is an inventory. I was able to take a look at my Relationship inventory; where am I in the recovery process concerning relationship.. At what level between 1-10 mental health wise… Development wise. Ive mentioned that my main goal for being back in the rooms was; is; music art and relationship development; Getting ownership of these concepts back in my life. Relationship concepts are the last ones I have to work on. And Im ever so slowly getting a hold of them.
.
Page 14
.
.
So; this situation today; altho shocking and uncomfortable ends up giving me evaluating information for me to size up where Im actually at and what I need to work on for my self development concerning relationship…
.
.
What is happening is; God is resurrecting me back to my life… Im certainly not back to health; or enough mental health yet; but damn. I mean; things are showing upward momentum. Im strong enough to kind of face forward on some things I could never look at before; and its freaking me out. I mean; its causing horrible pain… My God!
.
It would be cool to make it through sexual abuse and feel better about myself and the betrayal and abandonment of my parents. But then; They were never their in the first place… So.. I seem to be getting slightly better and I will pray for it to continue; I have no clue on the outcome… Im not in control of it; but I can do the spiritual work and keep working with God.
.
.
.
IM STARTING TO FEEL IT>
.
No mother; through my adolescence years; Instead; violations from bullies and sexual abuse when I was suppose to have a mother; Horrible. Im not sure how God is going to get me through this.
.
Im really feeling the loss and complete demoralization and abandonment of not having any mother ever. Nothing. I can really feel it; Im not sure how God is going to take care of me. Im starting to see why addictions and dissociation; its through this time period of being thrown away at age 9. Im not sure what God is going to do for me.. How God is going to heal me.
.
I know today at meetings; and lately; people are able to tell… Some people know Im getting different and at some point Ill leave. I might want to mellow down after awhile… Im very close to not going back. Not needing it.
The meetings have opened this up… and Im sharing more-real now. Something; stronger and healed up a bit; but not that much. A bit stronger then needing the meetings. I don’t know…
.
Im slowly getting better in those places where I was broken and abandon.
.
I hate seeing bullies come in within my adolescence instead of a mother or father… I cant stand it… Ill have to deal with it talk to God about it… I never expected anything like this to happen. Im not sure what to do about it. Ill have to work with God on it… No family; no mother and father; no home; no school anymore; all friends gone. They were fake anyway… They never liked me; they never liked me because I was a burden. They never wanted to meet me in the first place. No home.
.
I will say this; I should be opening up more about all of this now and getting more pain out; I can tell. Its wanting to come out more; sexual abuse and being controlled by sexual abusers… in that time period; getting horribly triggered right now; horrible. Ill keep working on it.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ More Thoughts more changes...
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.090s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.76
Time : 3.090s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.76