July 2025
June 2025
The creation of a nightmare.
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There was something about her the first time I saw her.
She was playing hard to get
When are eyes met; I could see it would be a challenge... made it that much more promising. Obviously she was interested in me; she was just playing a game.
I confessed it all; problems I had with women in a small setting with her and another friend...
She knew all about me now.
When I talked and saw her across the room; I could tell there might be something they're; I just know it; I just know it; its close.
From a distance she waved goodbye at me. ' IM IN"; I knew it would happen. Ive been picked by her; Im special.
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And on and on this rolls...
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Ive inner-acted with her about 20 times from small distances in a room. Did we talk; no; small venues of recovery meetings; she was participating...
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Reality;
Did she ever really talk to me? No! I just wanted to believe she did after awhile. However, Looking back; No! She really never said a word to me directly... But it felt like she did; and I wanted to believe she kind of did.
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She seemed excited when around me!~. In reality; I was excited to see her. Or; I got excited to see her.
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In reality; I was her prey... she saw me as a weakling pouring out all my weakness and interest in front of her to bash into the ground.
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So; what was really going on here.
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Shes a manipulative sociopath monster; What we call a Narcissist.
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Notice how attracted to her I am... and how Im fighting to claim she is attracted to me.. and Im just responding; When in reality; no one has actually really said anything to me; she sees me as bait; she sees me as prey to destroy...
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This is a sociopath from one of my recovery meetings. Im bringing this up because this is an example of how I get myself into trouble.
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This women is attractive to me; shes been around for a few years; just as I have been; not always in the same town; but shes had to find the rooms to recover...
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She would eat me for lunch if I got any closer. I would be manipulated out of my sanity if I allowed her to get closer. And its not her fault; she is a predator and Im falling right into her trap. She is a criminal. But notice how Im creating a relationship possibility that does not exist. She is so alluring; She is just like my mother; she could take care of me...
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Reality; She is not my mother; she wont be taking care of me. She is a monster and she is watching me to see if she can manipulate me the way she manipulates others.
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Yesterday; I watched my own behavior around her and other and realized how " pulled in" I get with the narcissist sociopath. Im attracted to pleasing them. I want their attention; give it to me. I make them out to be some kind of innocent interaction; as if we are both innocent and both at church or something. In reality; this is all in my mind and nervous system.. its like trying to friendly with a snake.. a cobra... The only end result is; Ill get bit.
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This is a very dangerous person. And not someone to ever get close to. Notice how I literally created some kind of relationship in my head.
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ITs like gambling for me...
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Im in my own world.
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My own dissociative world.
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Many times I sat in those meetings with only a few of us; and she was one of them and I poured out my intimacy as Im doing right now on this blog. And by doing so; it gave a feeling of closeness and family with the other people; she was one of them; but in reality; she is not my family; she is just someone who is confident and open with her boundaries because she could care less. She is simply acting open.. she has no conscious so what does it matter to her... What it did for me was give me a feeling of acceptance; very motherly. in reality; She does not like Me; she despises me and thinks she is superior.
She has made comments to me before; they wernt nice.. they were put downs; But notice how I dont bring those up...
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Its like im in my own world and she is my mother... ITs like being hypnotized by the narcissist... She caught on very quickly of what Im doing... how Im attracted to her. She sees it as bait...
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One of the most important aspects of this; She has done no contact with me ever; Im ive been around her 100 times... even tho she is in the same room. In reality; Im the one who claims her subtle looks and other slight movements are indications of interest in me... The small child in me thinking Ive found my mother.... In reality no one was subtly looking at me or anything else; she is not interested.. Im trying to make it out; find evidence that she is interested; she is not.
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I realize she has opened up to the group but not to me. Im just in the group and hoping she is also talking to me; but she never was; as I look back; I just have hopeful thinking...
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Why do I need her attention when she is a dangerous sociopath.
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Looking back; at times Ive actually made comments to her as if we were close or friends; as if I hd an in with her... This is my pathology problem and dangerous... This feeds her control over me; and is a move by a sociopath to do so...
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Im seeing how I create a problem for myself. In reality; I should be treating her like any other monster and get back stay back and stay to myself... dont look at her or anyone else like her... wait for the meeting to be over with and leave.
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Its interesting how someone with " shes got that look"; can pull me in...
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This is the kind of derangement dissociative disorder can create. I take someone or something that is not their and I created it in my need or imagination until I actually believe something is their between me and someone else and I can feel it. But what Im feeling is my own need or desire; not the other persons; its taken to a level of delusion. The sociopath can see this and their waiting for me to make a mistake... since im not invited.
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What I find alarming is how I convince or talk myself into being invited into their world when no one actually invited me for any reason.... Nothing exists.. Not even a hello or goodbye or any kind of talking between us.
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I notice that when I spill my personal stuff with her in the room; its like pouring it out all over her; its now between us. In reality; God set it up for me to pour my stuff out in a safe places; so; actually; I did pour my stuff out around a women I felt attracted to; but was a complete stranger. and never was anything else. And I have to remember this... The whole thing is dangerous...
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This is not a friend of mine; their will never be any friendship between me and that monster; and their never was....
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The idea Im even in the same room with them and feel marginally safe is my insanity because Im having to make them safe in my head. When in reality; they are not. non of them...
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Im learning; God is helping me.
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I almost created a safe relationship with this person and others like her in my head when nothing ever existed... complete insanity. really!
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This is an example of dissociative disorder; and PTSD... In a kind of reversed mode. Im taken back to my childhood in my head and I turn the nearest person into a mother figure...
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So; its about being lonely and needy and alone and needing to hang out where love is or could be so Im not alone...
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Im always looking for my mother and my neighborhood and my house and old friends and past life.. Thats all Im doing.... and it was all taken away from me... So; I turn to God.. and try to have a reason to be on planet earth...
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Back to the sociopaths at the meetings; As I wake up; for some meetings; its nothing but sociopaths.. and they are not friends of mine I just think they are... Its actually dangerous... The front ive created in those places...
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Im just looking for love in all the wrong places,...
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Dating is getting very close. Im still dissociating so its not close. But it is…. But its not; Damn; Ive got some kind of resistance to dating; its anger or hatred or something? I start dissociating…. Its better.. A part of my brain wont allow it.. Im not sure if thats from the trauma bond of past abusers or I have no self confidence or self esteem or dont feel worthy of anything. Maybe all of the above. Im smart and want to feel safe. I feel like I wont know who Im dating. Wont have a clue… I dont want someone like the people I was forced to grow up with.
Im having a hard time seeing myself take the first step; but the problem is; this is my body and my mind; I mean; who the hell is in control here; it seems like someone else; not me…. Im a puppet…. This has got to stop. Ive got to get back to the place of chance taking 101; no one owes me anything. I cant expect anything from anyone. I have to take chances and if it leads me to dead ends; O well. I have to learn to get out of it. Im really tired and burned out and exhausted dealing with people playing games so Im not thrilled about the idea of more people playing games with me and I playing the victim. I have to be assertive and stop playing the victim….
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Ill work with God on it. Pathway of practice. Getting closer.
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Money; this is another area of interest and manifestation.
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I want to write posts on Facebook groups but it keeps calling me back to this place.
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So; dating is getting closer. That means I'm out here in the real world... being part of things in the here n now; getting closer.... it is.
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Money; Ill have to keep working with God on this... really; keep myself from dissociating; I dissociate to horrible places when money gets brought up; places that make me seem shallow and worthless... And worthless is the right word for it; I can feel it; I have to get better in this arena.... man o man....
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