July 2025
June 2025
The girl up the street. This was a girl I liked who lived up the street when young; teenager. I continue to work on this specific false relationship; finding out the truth about the situation; What happened and what didn't happen and what I think happened vs my delusional problems.
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So; on this blog I will take it one more step and say; Nothing happened here; this was a complete stranger.
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I was not invited to meet her; her brother and my brother happened to go up to her house and I was invited to go along; nothing more; so; no one actually asked me to come up and visit her. And the first time I met her; I had a feeling about her; a perception; it was completely contrived and wrong.
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So; I was completely wrong. Nothing existed; I'm lazy.
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It was easy to create a lie about this person.
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I was basically psychotic... dissociative and needed a mental institution. Thus; with this information; nothing existed.
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And its been and still is hard to deal with this; that nothing existed. I needed that delusion; that's the problem. This is more about the delusion then reality.
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I'm left with the delusion and talking to and listening to the delusion.
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I talked to the delusion; not the girl; I hardly knew the girl; if that! I might have seen her once or twice.
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I needed what the delusion was trying to create. I needed to believe I was part of something; some kind of family system; anything; a purpose or loved or accepted as a person a human being. The problem; I was picking random strangers to be this role; it didn't take long for them to ask me to leave or stay away from them; things fell apart quick.
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Its been a slammingly hard slap in the face to face this delusion and realize nothing was there. I made the whole thing up in my head. And for some reason; I cant seem to come to grips with this. A part of me feel in love at a deep level with this image person my head I thought was represented in the real world with this real person. but this real person was a stranger that didn't know me. I might have met her once. I saw her a few times. I made it up in my head and stayed to myself. I guess it helped me believe I had some kind of social power or belonging. Yes; Now its getting closer to the truth. I felt important. I felt valuable because I needed to feel valuable in the sick home life I was living or surviving in. I almost turned into a criminal from the neglect and other things being around those people I had to live with. I had no psychologist to work with. No one cared about me; I was in dyer situation.
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As I write this; I'm still hanging on. The goal is to get closer and closer until this persons name does not come up anymore because nothing existed. I wanted to be right; for someone to show up and tell me I was right; but no one did and I waited; and nothing. No one showed up because nothing ever existed and I could not live with this.
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I'm still delusional but in other ways; slowly learning how to come out of it to come back to reality to function in reality; that is my goal. My past still rules me.... but not completely but it does but it doesn't.
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I'm in the middle.
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I never really had any friends accept very young who lived on the southern side of town when I was young. A few people that did value me. A set of brothers and one other guy who lived across the street. That was about all. But I made a bunch more people nervous because I showed up at their houses all the time as if we were friends; we were not.
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I made up a whole world in my head of everything and everyone... that's how I lived; I was a loner.
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At some point my imagination become reality and began to believe I had the right to what I was fantasizing about and didn't have. And thus I started to cross the line a bit of who should like me and who should know me and I was just as valuable as they were; and so on.
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I'm slowly; as I write; trying to face these loses on many fronts; losses that never occurred; They are losses because I created them in my head and that facts of reality slammed me in my face and presented evidence that nothing ever happened; nothing was in the real world. IT literally was all in my head.
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Just because I felt I was just as good as someone else and should have had the right to know that other person because I was just as good as they are or were; I decided I did know them and they should accept me as I am.
I found a shutteringly horrible concept; the people I claimed I wanted to know so badly turned out to be very bad shallow people not worth anyone's time; in fact; dangerous possibly. I was delusional.
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My problem is getting over delusion. I was so alone and lonely I created unreality into reality; the people I did this with were never safe people; they were shallow 2 faced people. Why did I pick them? I thought they were popular winners.. And it wasn't fair; I had just as much capacity that they did. This wasn't fair. I should know them; I should be popular and accepted by the popular people. This just wasn't right.
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This is a really hard thing to accept and get over; that I was nothing in school and unknown the whole time. Nothing to anyone ever. I was in a dream world.
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Ive finally wized up a bit.
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I find myself around others I think should accept me as friend and valued; In reality; they do not; and they have told me so in many cases; but I wont listen. I keep going back because of their fake smile. It gives me attention; I think they like me or value me; In reality they value nothing; they are faking it and Im desperate to believe they like me and accept me for who I am. Ive never had anyone accept me for who I am; or value me or care to.
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Im doing it again; going after popular people who are shallow but are successful and assuming they will like me and treat me like a brother. They do not and I get bent out of shape about it; I was never accepted by them.
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The hardest one to deal with; scenario or story is the Girl up the street. I made the mistake of mistaking her lack of interest in me with an interest in me; and Im slowly coming to grips with it but its hard. However, its about wanting to stay asleep and a fake victim.
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I dont see any of these people I claim that I was good enough to associate with; I dont see any of them trying to get ahold of me.
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Who ever Im really suppose to be around God will bring around. I must learn this.
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I would like to get over the past and build my life back; date again and play my music live; put out art work.
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And here we go again; What music do I have; I have no finished written music ready to play live; its all fake all of this.
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I could create this into reality.
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I seem to stop short of reality and never go into that place. I would find out Im to stupid or dumb or have no maturity for being involved in anything; I basically can clean my room at this point and play video games; I dont remember ever getting past that level.
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Im on state funding for help; Mental illness and I must go to 12 step groups or the equivalent for the remainder of my life; or something social or I could end up committing suicide at some point by giving up.
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Im not really suicidal at this point but Im always in a constant mild depression and still have all the other problems.. You never know.
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I am making progress; but I need to come out of this un reality and build things in reality as they are.
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In reality; who am I suppose to associate with; what people really value me for who I am? What women?
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Im on my knees to God on all this stuff.
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What am I suppose to do in the real world; Im on my knees to God about all of this.
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I have to get over some levels of grief and trauma from the past; the loses so I can move forward in reality.
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Im slowly working my way toward the process of learning how to do things in reality simply for the sake of being in reality and not my fantasy world.
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More prayer on my knees.
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As I mentioned; I have a few people from the past I must accept I never had a relationship with; it was all fake and all in my head. I half never met those people and I must get rid of the false thoughts of those people; those strangers./
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Ill keep working with God on this in prayer so I can wake up.
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Its like Im still in a fantasy child bond. more like a trauma bond from the past.
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I remember doing this with TV shows when I was a kid to the point; I lived through those shows; they were my entire family and soon I was not connected to reality anymore.
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