July 2025
June 2025
Let me say first; I have change; My frequency has gone way up... And Im looking for the next rise in human frequency.
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Here is an example of frequency; if I think about wanting a car; but I dont like myself or value myself; the frequency or desires I send out to the universe for a car are very weak and the image is of something very low...a low frequency. What do I get? I end up with a car from the junk yard,. I have to become what it is I desire first before it will show up.
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Lets say things are really going well for me... and I want a car; and I truly feel centered and great about everything.... and then I send out signals to the universe for a car; I will expect something really nice; like a corvette... I wont take anything less and wont think bout anything less; The universe will then show me a pathway to get to the corvette... I match frequencies with the corvette.
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So the point is; my frequency has risen much... I mean; its taken to a whole other level. Its not topped; but its not sub zero underground level like It was for years n year n years.. in a state of quiet desperation.
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As for the girl up the street; just a catastrophe. What I never mentioned about her; And I think I did mention she was one of the most beautiful girls in the school. and she was a cheerleader and she was stuck up to all... everything; all people except one; And that was me. She secretly loved me at the time.
I didnt spend just a few hours with her. She begged me to go out with her and she would jump me to go out with her. But I never did. I couldn't; shock; trauma bonded traumatic shock.. mental illness; dissociative disorder. I was not present. I could go no further with a girl that loved me or I loved. I could not budge.. The problem is; I could not tell her how I felt; I did not have the maturity... I had lied; lied about who I claimed to be. She actually had someone with her with no experience. none. All I had to do was ask her out as a girlfriend; but I never did; all I had to do was tell her how I felt about her; but I chickened out and it cost me the relationship.... So; I never really had a relationship with her. it went no further; I still tried to show up at her house. but it was futile. And that made me mad that she was not interested in helping me; but I never told her anything about myself so she did not know what was wrong with me or even if anything was wrong with me. and I was mad about that; enraged she did not at least try to see that I liked her but couldn't express myself; I had problems; but she didnt care. But in reality; she never knew...
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At some point; she just wrote me. Girls move on; they want boyfriends and relationships; and I had not established one with her... And as much as this pisses me off; when dealing with women; its true. One has to tell her immediately what is going on or lose her.
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There was nothing that was going to happen. Impossible. And than; after she and her mother laughed at me as if I was a weakling because I didnt make her my girlfriend; that put me in a state of shock and disgust. I had all these problems; I was a very serious person... Not shallow.
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After that event; my interest in being around her; I lost all trust. This was not someone that was interested in me the way I thought she was. Actually; she was interested in me but she thought she was getting someone else. When she found out who I really was; I was laughed and things separated. Her behavior became more pathological. And I didnt want someone like my mother. And I could not understand my love for her. The love I had for her was based on her being a nice girl; not this sociopathic monster.....SHe was starting to resemble her mom and she did not seem to care... She began to act arrogant and pathological; As if she had been 2 different people. I had no interest associating with anyone like that... I ran off. And I technically never came back ever. I did try to at times. but what was the point. it was all empty.... There was no one their I thought was there. I had made a mistake. She was looking for something else; something way different then me; she was looking for the shallow rich kid narcissist... jock football player. All the things I was not. I did not know what I had weaseled myself into.
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However, here's the deal; If I had told her after a short amount of time; who I was and what I wanted and what I thought of her; how I felt... and what I was doing around her... all of this would have changed history.... Im not suggesting thats what I would have done. But part of it I would have maybe. Maybe not...
The point is; when dealing with women; if I had sat down and talked to her; all of this would have been cleared up within minutes..
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So the lesson is taking action. And I did not have a clue about how to do that with anything. I still dont; im just now learning about it.
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So my frequency is higher.
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Song writing;
Nothing is more important than getting the power back in my life concerning song writing so I own it. ITs mine; and I want to explore it for no other reason then it feels good to be involved in it. That is the next level Im working with God; Im Tore up from the floor up; so; how this will come about I dont know; but thats what Im working and waiting with God concerning alignment.
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So; lets talk about the girl up the street.
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She is a kinds of suede presence after my original life was stolen. I was on my own from age 9 on... no one no longer cared about me or what happened to; my future was no more; I was like a ghost just following what I thought I was suppose to follow; their were no parents anymore. I had to go with my mother again several times...
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At my mothers I meet this girl up the street; she is allot like the kids I knew when younger. But that will be a problem; I dont live in those kinds of neighborhoods anymore... I really dont fit with anyone anywhere.
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Heres the deal bout the girl; 2 things. I dont fit. Im not in my home neighborhood anymore nor my home anymore. Im completely psychological dislocated... Im in trauma shock... Im completely dissociated from everything.
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The girl up the street is in her original life.. So; no way... I may have found her only because; What else was I suppose to do... I had no ideas...
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As for the girl or problems with her. The solution would have been simply to sit her down and talk to her; and that solves the problem. But I could not do that; that is chance taking; taking action. I could not take action; I was completely stopped from taking any action. My mind was completely shut down in mental illness and protect mode from the instability of the outside world; all things important to a human being were taken from me; I was completely destroyed and lost with no past... and no real present; nothing; this was done by way of a psychopath; Thats why they are the most dangerous filth on earth; they are pure murder'rs.... that is all they do; hunt people...
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As for the girl up the street. Im just now learning again how to take action on my own; getting my own support for help... This will be a difficult venture but possible again Now! and that is a bloody miracle.
The solution to the girl up the street was not to judge her; but to date her; simply ask her out... that would have solved all things with her.
Looking at why I didnt ask her out.. I will continue with that; the horror and my past; and the dysfunction of abuse and many other things. I needed to sit down with her and talk about it... That is an action step; and something Im just learning about right now; I cant do that yet with anyone; that is a goal of mine as I learn to cross over into new territory.
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I will be writing much much more on her until I came back to reality; not so much what she ever does in her life; if she is even still alive.. This was a long time ago; but not for me. For me it was a second ago. SMILE!
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I know I will confront sexual abuse as I climb the frequency later; God has got to help me out here...
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