July 2025
June 2025
Mental health and recovery and higher power
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Relationships and Activities.
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Concerning the topic; maybe a topic sentence…
How mental health has caused harm to my life and how recovery has shown me a new way to live; if I want to participate or experiment with what Ive learned under the care of a higher power; I can move in that direction and work for solutions today. I can work toward solutions if I talk to my higher power about being willing… Maybe I start with a 12 step group and prayer; whatever! Prayer is a good place to start…
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Attitude problems;
Ive been in a very confused state all my life. My early life was Oke. I felt relatively safe for a few years; thought I had a father looking out for me.
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Relationships; problems;
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So; I thought I had made friends; real friends at times in my life; to my shock; I did not. I met people who thought they were way way better then me. I had no idea what they actually thought of me until it was to late. They had much in common with each other; None of these people were my friends and I didn’t know this. I thought I was doing a good job creating friendships with these people; What I didn’t know; Non of them were friends on purpose; They never planned to be friends with me. They never wanted to be friends with me; They had no value for me they were just using me as an object to get something. In the end; when I woke up and stopped allowing them to treat me like an object; I was let go; no more interest on their part; They did not care about the horrible amount of damage they had done; Nothing; They were truly sociopaths.. In some case; upper middle class… Altho that term meant nothing to me when I was a young boy or a young teen. I didn’t know I had venture beyond my own social level and safety walls…
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I knew myself as a nice person; a decent person. And thought; why wouldnt someone want me as a friend; Id make a wonderful friend to anyone… What I didn’t understand; Non of the people I met wanted me as a friend; They didn’t care who I was; to them; I would always be a stranger and someone to use if they could get away with it. They thought they were better then me and so I nothing but an object to them.
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How does my mental health play roles in meeting these horrible people… Well; First I was so needy and had no family and I was afraid and scared… and needed someplace to go…
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So; I ended up at places with people that appeared OKE on the outside… But were users of regular people… or decent innocent unknowing people. These sociopathic opportunists had charm; were smooth friendly; acted like quite or sensitive normal people. However; underneath they were jackals; and I never saw it. And when I did see it start to know something was wrong; it was 2 late; I had invested myself within them and their families. In many cases they were murky people; people I could not read correctly; mainly because they did not care if I read them correctly; I meant nothing to them; They had lives and I mattered nothing to their daily development; they felt they had more important interests; self developing interests then to have me as a real friend; they did not want me; nor want me as a real friend.
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They didn’t care if I came up to visit; they play acted the role of close friend as long as I believed it; They did it for kicks; nothing more. The problem was; I had no idea what was going on. In several cases; I thought I was making true life time friends. I didn’t know I meant nothing to these people; also; Im not sure they needed any friends. I needed all kind of right friends. I wanted to belong to a sunny nice friendly world.
Theres a good chance; These people were faking me out every second I knew them.. I believe now; I may never have ever met the real person; the real “ Them”. They may have played me so thoroughly I had no idea I was dealing with there fake persona the whole time.
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It wont be till much much later after meeting them that things start breaking down and I realize Im just being used by cheap opportunist non humans. I had no idea; nothing; so I was devastated… technically after this I will never see these people again… I did revisit one of them once; However; that solidified my conclusion about the person. I was not of any interest to anyone; I was just being used and they never wanted to see me again for any reason. They had never valued me in the first place; they never wanted to be friends with me in the first place; They were snobs and thought they were better then me and that I was below human existence level.
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Mental health problems; and how this affected relationships.
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So; I was dissociative with many other problems. My mind was broken weakened and damaged; this meant I was desperate for help. Thus; if I met someone; I would be very needy and needing a friend and a family. I would try to make them my friend; but I needed them 1000 times more then they needed me. And because they were strangers; they had no idea of my value as a person. And in most cases they didn’t care. I was led on many times by these people and then dropped.
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I would created false memories of these people. Within my imagination I imagined they were much closer to me emotionally then they actually were. I made them out to be close friends in my imagination; In reality; I was not considered a friend by these people but no told me; no one was thinking good thoughts about me or any thoughts about me; they were thinking nothing because I meant nothing to them. I just didn’t know; I never knew.
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I thought people thought like me. I thought people had values like I did. They did not; they were much more cold heart’d and sinister… more narcissistic and pathological/evil. I never even thought it; never thought about it; I thought; if Im around them; its because they value me the way I value them.
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I was proud of my friends; I valued them but they did not value me. I thought about them all the time; But they never thought about me once; accept how to get rid of me when they were done using me.
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Romantic relationships;
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Problems;
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1. Wrong people.
2. Believing people were their to help me; when they weren’t.
3. I thought they were nice people; they weren’t.
4. I thought they were friendly decent people; they were not. Why did I think this; I did not take any responsibility to check who I was dealing with. And I kept no standards of who I was dealing with.
5. Standards; This means the quality of person I was dealing with; what kind of human being was I dealing with; where they sensitive decent respectable people. Loving down to earth kind people
6. Mental illness; Not being able to process information correctly of the outside world. I ended up around the wrong people because I was able to read the environment correctly.
7. Jumping the Gun on people. I would never ask if they were attracted to me; or if they liked me; if we were friends; if they were interested in me. Did they value me or respect me or look up to me… I never knew.
At times I would try to create friendships with women who were not attracted to me; I never knew. Months n months would go by until I finally things started falling apart and I didn’t understand; They had never been attracted to me.
I tried to make friends out of people that were not attracted to me. Finally after much exhaustion I finally gave way and realized what was happening. I was putting out allot of energy for my future with these people only to find out months later even years; they wanted nothing to do with me.
8. False sense of social position. I thought I had it going on and could walk up to certain women or show up around them and be accepted by them; When in reality; it never worked.
Example; I remember the cheerleaders in 8th grade. I had no chance with them; dating them; impossible; but then I never wanted to; they were not my type because they were evil. They were not nice people. Certainly they were like from another world; way out of my league. They were dating horrible horrible people; but those guys were more like men; Like Boys who turned to men way to early in their lives. Those guys were the scum… Basically no better then animals.. Horrifying..
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However; at some dumb choice in the future I actually thought I should be able to because Im such a nice guy; IT DIDNT WORK! In stead some of the cheerleaders I tried for just played me and mocked me into the ground. I think they were more horrified then I was that I would even attempt to date them or even get close to them.
9. Wanting to date the right people; but doing no work to find the right people.
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And the list goes on and on. Its a list of un realistic expectations of impossibilities.
The most important being; I thought I could skip the work involved in meeting the right types of people sent by God.
I ended up around the wrong types and thought I could change them into the right types. It never happened. In fact; most of them thought they could get better then me and I was dumped before a relationship of any kind could start.
10. Not meeting people with the same interests or intellectual abilities in the right intellectual areas of interest.
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And the list goes on..
11. Not telling someone how I felt about them.. being to chicken. OR unable to do dissociative disorder. Simply could not talk to people I liked; shut down.
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12. psychosis Dissociative disorder; avoidance disorder. CPTSD…
I was not finding people who understood this level of problems…
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13. No future; flunking out on everything. No real family; not loved by anyone; and not being able to open up about anything with anyone; totally closed off. Actually completely destroys any future with anyone. It never gets started.
14. Meeting people who really didn’t care if they were in a relationship with me or not; I was not their first choice.
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15. Fake-out; unethical people completely faking the development of friendship right from the beginning. From beginning through middle through end; All fake. On my side what does it look like; it looks like someone who is my true soulmate and best friend. No way of knowing. I mean; It took months for me to even begin to understand what was going on. In some case; 6-8 months to realize they were sociopaths; no question and therefore their could be no relationship with them.
Its been my experience that nice people done do this to people; sociopaths do this to people.
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16. Dating people who could never value me.
Dating people who could never respect me. Or trying to dating…
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17. The most important aspect; Not being able to trust myself. This means; the part of me going after these type of women Ive mentioned here in this list; Its no good; it wont work. None of it; Im chasing nothing. The key is not to use this part of myself; the part that goes after things… Instead I have to learn to be my higher self and work through God…
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Ive never had a girlfriend; Ive never once had a girl when I was young or a women as a friend; never. Never had any women ever see the real me; or value me for who I am; Nothing! At some point non of this makes any sense anymore. The idea in the Bible of having a true love; a loving doe; Nothing!
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Im not interested in meeting women based on the amount of money I have or a car or house or bank sheets describing a list or account of money for the last 10 years.
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Im only interested in working with God; through God Pathway where God brings women that are created by Gods energy who are here to serve me as God commands and to be a helper as good commands. That is her role and she knows her role. She is made from the Holy Spirit of The Universe and From God… I would be her first choice under God…
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Ill have to work with God on all this. Im missing something… My belief. I just don’t believe; not after what Ive seen…
I have to learn to get my feelings out as I am right now; and then start over learning how to believe…
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I think its important to get my feelings out.
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The women I grew up with were all bad women; bad people. Its 2 bad; im talking about when very young; sickening people. Not all of them; but the ones who could have a closer influence on me. Its not a problem; accept I don’t want people like that around me ever again. And it seems thats the only kind of people I found in life. So; I can already see this playing out; the idea of; My mother was a psychopath. So were the other women around me; very close; unfortunately. So; thats all I end up around. Or that is all I look for; Well; that seems to literally be what happened; Those are the people I ended up around.
So with that brain washing; I need to take a break and get my senses back a bit and come back to reality bit; work with God to find good people. Or to attract good people.
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My biggest fear is being set up again by false people who are playing me. People that are not my friends and do not value me.
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NOTE: However; I went to those people that played me. I understand the role I ultimately played; The problem was; I had no idea it was going on; I didn’t realize I was being played nor did I realize I was being cast as a role… I was being judged as a loser who was expendable. I didn’t know it… I had no idea I was around the wrong people.
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I have to be more discerning of who I let into my private life. I was so desperate; I had no one.
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Today; Im starting the process of working with God on these things. To have a better life attract better people. We will see what happens… Im just starting on this; but sanity has return a little bit in this direction; maybe things can be different this time…
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ACTIVITY;
So; lets talk about professionalism.
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Im starting to get it; what the mental illness was or had destroyed… And all the rejection and lack of interest in life…
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I wasn't willing to fight for anything that I wanted; and I didn’t care anymore about losing anything; nothing mattered anyway…
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So; Lets talk about professionalism.
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I will admit now; I wanted to be a professional musician. The problem; I had no skills; no professional skills. What does that mean; it means that its not just about learning an instrument. Its about being in a professional industry. Several skills are necessary to be in that industry but they have little to do with actual music scale practice or music theory or history. Professional skills have to do with Responsibility. Dressing well, Entertaining a crowd, not being self centered and narcissistic onstage. Playing music people want to hear.. Always showing up on time for a gig. Not under charging for a gig. Always rehearsing music and having it down before the gig; all of it! On the business end; understanding contracts and wages and who gets what and how much… Understanding how to set up correctly for a gig; understanding one will be playing at several different places. Marking ones self in the entertainment business. And many other things.
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The key to professionalism is just that; responsibility and responsibility to being professional. And I had non of this and didn’t care anyway. I didn’t care anymore about anything. No one cared I was alive so why should I; the world had gotten rid of me so many times… Why should I care…
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Today under God; things are different. I still have a chance to change everything.
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I think what is most important right now is to learn how to handle things as an adult.
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What happens if I get into the wrong relationships with the wrong people. I have to stay awake to handle those situations to get out of those situations.
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THE PAST:
It is a horrible shame what I want through in the past; Ill continue to work with God to get over what Ive went through in the past… At least most of it is over with. I don’t mean its all dealt with; but it kind of is. Im in the aftermath of most of it.
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I still have to work on FIRST LOVE; Ive worked on most of it. Still more basic realities to face about that and get over.. Its horrible and in human. However; Ive got this part of myself that got me into trouble by getting around the wrong people in the first place; and thats what I have to look at.
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Today Im more interested in working down a God Pathway… Going in that direction… I have allot of work to do…
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