July 2025
June 2025
This is an interesting topic for me. Its a kind of advancement for my thinking.
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Ive spent most of my adult life talking about how I cant make every moment count.
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The PTSD is what I would report on and how it destroys my ability to make any moment count.
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However, as my thinking ability grows in the area of " What Im looking forward to" not why I cant do things because of the past; as my focus shifts; I get extra natural perks to go with it. I get gifts; One of those lately is the ability to tell myself everything is getting better and better and everything will be all right.
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Everything is working out for me.
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I finely got on my bike; (Bling); wait lose; I hope its starting.... IT is starting; its been starting for a while now.
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I went riding; I looked at houses and cars going by; I saw this house out in fieldy kind of area; on the outskirts of town; it was a kind of lonely location right up next to a middle class housing project of about 40 house; trees all over the place; big lot with wheat land next to it.. It was a cool 1960's style house. a kind of conservatives; maybe a Wright house! I loved it; it was perfect and then I saw a Van go by... nicer type... more middle classy kind of... Japanese company....
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So; Im starting to get a picture of the real me; what I really value but gave up on ever having for myself after being destroyed when young.
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I have to get pictures of these things and imagine I all have them and there mine because that is the only way they are ever going to be mine; they wont be unless I make them mine right now before they show up... They have to show up in my imagination. And I have to work at those thoughts and see nothing less then that from now on; see what I want; not what I believe I cant have; thats the problem... I can sense a block; like I give up because I had to give up to abusers where I was crushed and thrown away.
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I keep seeing things I tell myself I cant have; and I give up; and that just cant be a way of thinking; because no one would ever get anything that way ever! .
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So; I was looking at housing pics on the internet and I thought. Ive got to believe I deserve these things; I must or Im never going to have anything; So; Im working on how to believe In having these things; that I would take the chance in my thinking; and thats all I better think about; Nothing else. nothing less. I can kind of feel it right now; where I justs think about better things.
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So; Im letting all this sink in.
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I saw this girl at one of my meetings and I like her. Im not the only one but I can see we get along with each other. Id like to try and go out with someone and stop blaming everything on everyone never being good enough or enough; Im wondering who is running my life; I think the sexual abusers are speaking through me; that is the problem; those voices dont want me going out with this women... They want to devour me and dont want me with anyone... So; I have to break away from that.
You know what would be nice; for me to ask her out and for to turn me down because she thinks shes better then me. That wouldnt be nice; but it would be nice if I would just ask someone out and then see what happens instead of wondering if I really feel connected to someone or like someone when I obviously like someone and I feel connected to them. I should ask people out first and see what happens and stay out of the future thinking nonsense. Im not sure im saying this right. I know Im making my point but Im purposely sabotaging the simple message I was saying; its time to feel good enough to ask out people instead of find excuses not to... Its time to like myself.
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Ill pray about it...
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Goals;
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What I look forward to...
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1. Wife, family children
2. House
3. Truck
4. Money
5. Career/work
6. Vacations
7. Hobbies
...a. Mountain biking
...b. plastic model kits
...c. Telescopes
8. Callings/talents
...a. Mathmatics outerspace
...b. Music creation
...c. Art creation
...d. Writer
9. Education
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Ive never got involved in math; I know i should have or should be... I know...
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As for all the goals I just mentioned; Why am I cutting everything down into ribbons; meaning. Why am I not standing up for my goals and believing in them. I see the abusers again in my nervous system; its as if they are in control.
So; the work is to define what I want...
I have allot of work connecting where Im at to my inner being God and the goals I have... Lots of meditation and prayer... Meditation is good for getting in touch with inner being.
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So; I have to keep a standard of who I am and what I represent and what I want; its got to come from somewhere and I have to learn faith with God... I must...
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Im looking for answers from the universe.
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