July 2025
June 2025
Let me first say; I have dissociative disorder; nothing has changed; Im much better; but still have the conditions the CPTSD and AVPD and.... The list goes on...
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Ive been at different places to get help; Ive been at rough places to get help... Ive done allot of recovery on many fronts.
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Most of the times things go smoothly; but not always.
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Is it me or are their allot more sociopath narcissists in the world or what. Seems; lots of induced anti social personality disorders do to an over use of Meth! Brain melting.
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Talking about accomplishments
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In the recovery process using a combination of working the 12 steps sponsors and mass amounts of meetings combined with a healthy solid program of The Laws OF Attraction; Success based programs...
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Ive been able to work with the universe to solve problems and walls that have been up for 50 years. Im getting old! ( smile).
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When I say 50 YEARS; Im not kidding. 50 YEARs; 45 YEARs. 35 YEARS
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Many many things I wanted to be part of; never able to do anything or be anything; just hatred and remorse and loathing.
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However working the programs with some diligence for years; and having group support; Ive been able to conquer many areas.
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I will say; that non of the areas conquered would be able to be conquered in this life. Impossible; at least on my own as things were; impossible.
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However, with enough work and working with the universe things continue to become unlocked.
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Ive had about a 1000 smaller things unlock; those things unlock-able for years. For most of my adult life; I can see bulling locking everything down and me out of my self; starting in the 5th grade.
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The bigger things unlocked.
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Art; the ability to come an artist at any level.
Guitar; I broke through the basic novas level. I broke through to a point of being able to pick up the guitar and play it immediately from now on. I can take it in any direction and I can take it seriously if I want to; study it as a serious beginning guitar student if I want to; immediately. I can pick up the guitar and start right now; get the metronome out; and begin right now this second... Go any direction... No waiting ever again. I still have to study and learn; but Ive got the basic basics out of the way... I know enough basics to be solid enough to take of anytime I want to. Its a very nice feeling.
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Video games came back into my life... Nice new gaming machine and that gaming machining plays other rolls as well. I create art on it as my main art computer. And I write music in the notation program; However, it wont be the main music computer. Just saying.
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Piano; a experience with the piano. and a more usable approach to performing.
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Song writer composer. The understanding that its from the computer screen to the piano to live work. I create something in the notation music program on the computer; I complete a piece; I practice that piece at the piano and then take it out and play it live; and there it is; One long alignment. This is the goal; its not been at this level for long; so Im just starting. But its more then just starting; im proving that Im coming back into the real world doing real world things; no more fantasizing.
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So; the music progression is; From creating a piece in a notation program to practicing that piece on the piano to playing it live.
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Relationships;
Nothing has been more ripped to pieces; between being bullied against my will; fake friends who used me and I didnt know they despised me to fake family systems trying to completely destroy me to fake starter girlfriends that were not real; Not what they appeared to be; fakes. I am working with the source energy of the universe on all this. Im still working on it; will to the end of my days.
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For relationships; a few names will always come up.
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The universe has been unlocking information concerning relationships of my past and what happened and to regain control and power over my life to become independent and get to the point of asking others out again.
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Ive not been able to ask anyone out at all for years and years; most of my life. Nothing. Nothing at all.
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So; First let me say; as the universe points to the fact that altho I think they owe me for what they have done to me; relationships with others; the universe has abruptly pointed out that I am to ask God to forgive me for what I did to them and that is all I am to focus on; nothing else.
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And many more new concepts coming up. And as Im in horror about how I was treated; did I ever tell any of them how I felt. For some; did I choose not to date them; why did I date them? How did I attract them.
And for others; why did I bother dating them; for what; and that is a great important question I need to look at for I was a victim because I just didn't care.
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Heres are some other important concepts; when I rejected them; did I feel what they felt; what did they feel like when I rejected them; when they tried to get close to me and I through them off of me. deep inside I didnt want to throw them off of me; I wanted to hold them but I just couldn't.
Heres another question; did I talk to them about; come back and tell them how I really felt about them. Did I deal with my emotions of throwing them away or there's. Did I talk to them; pull them aside immediately. and straiten things out. NO! and thus resides the problems looking at my role in things uncover; and the universe wants me to uncover these things. That is why Im looking at my role in it.
I put her on my lap? She jumped up on my lap for me to act like a father and bounce her on my knee; I was in love with her; I through her off. I rejected her; remember; I loved her with all my heart but wasnt showing it. it was to much for me. What did it feel like for her to be rejected. How come I dont know to feel it; just see it from a distance.
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It was all to much for me to have these enriched things in my face.
So; I pushed her away; how did she feel; rejected humiliated not wanted. Certainly didnt feel liked or loved probably.... How many more times could she go through that. She was demoralized.
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Why would I put someone I loved through this; why! If I loved someone I would not want to hurt them I would want to love them and protect them; how did I lose myself. I did I lose her... I never wanted to lose her.
What can I do the next time with someone. I have to learn to clean things up; not act out like this; Think about the chances she Took with me. Lots of them for me to like her.
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I spent allot of time around her and never asked her out.
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At one point I ran away and tried to come back to see if she would care. I have to remember; She already cared and I was showing no idea to anyone of my own behavior. And I have to continuously look at all of this. If I had pulled her to the side and explained any of this or my real feelings; things would have been different. But I asked the question; Why was she not interested in me if she didnt see me for weeks or month. It was if it didnt matter. I could not understand this...
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God has me looking at only one thing; what is my role in it. Im not suppose to look for reason to go to war something because I will create scenarios that will end up war like; her against me and then Ill ask her to prove herself.
None of this drama ever needed to occur in the first place.
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So; altho I got hurt; destroyed; thats not the true side of the story. The true side is; I was hurt before I ever met her. no one cared about me and I had been sexually abused with no help. Im still destroyed from it.
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Im still destroyed from everything. I have God tho; and a complete fake recovery life; meaning; I put on the recovery mask and go to meetings and sifer what I can. Im not to different then others I think. Its just what needs to be done to survive in recovery.
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So; I wanted to protect her and love here; did I? In the end everything backfired. Everything. I still felt the same way.
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The key im looking at right now is. Not responding to her at specific times and responding to her feelings and letting her know I was someone that cared about her but I have problems. I never did this; never showed any of my feelings; nothing; not sure why yet; accept the obvious of not wanting to be hurt.
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The fact was. I never went out with her. Why? I would have if I could have. I couldn't; I could not show the first of my feelings; The problem was; I couldn't tell her either; that may have had something to do with the psychopaths I was around and be affronted by... I know better now.
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The goal is to work on showing or expressing intimacy very lightly with small movements to start with; practicing where ive been ruptured.
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I think the gaol is to tell them how I feel from the start. Let them know where Im at and why from the start and work with that; go from there.
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Economics; I dont have any; but Im alive. and that has value; Ill have to explain that as well.
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Alignment with a higher power;
Its important to get into alignment with source energy inner being higher power universe God. Its so important because only then do I attract only those things in that realm; that vortex and nothing else.
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Im not sure the people or places or things of my past; Im not sure any of that was inline with my higher power or it was satanic because I had dropped away from my higher power. I was not praying every night I mean; nothing. and thats what I attracted I guess.
But even then; I didnt attract; I found myself at there door; not the other way around. This tells me something I have to come to grips with and work on.
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Getting in alignment is the number one things for all of this.
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Losing weight. seems impossible but if I am dedicated to then; possible; we will see.
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And Ill keep praying and asking the universe to forgiving me for harming these women or people... over n over praying for forgiveness from God concerning specific things I did to these people.
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So; Ive got my work cut out for me. Im on specific paths concerning relationships and wealth; the understanding of wealth; something I was never exposed to when young.
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